I've been eating nothing but salads this week for dinner. I'm actually alright with that.

I go to my local Giant every night on my way home and make myself a little salad from the salad bar. I start with a bed of Romaine lettuce. Top it with a pile of shredded carrots. Then top the carrots with some shredded cheese. Very colorful in its simplicity. I swing around to the other side of the bar and grab some Fajita chicken strips. Maybe a pinch of real bacon bits for garnish and color. Top it all off with a light splash of Thousand Island dressing and, voila! We have salad.

Once my salad is made, I go over to the beverage aisle and pick up a bottled water or a tea or something like. That. Not because it's any healthier than anything else. Just because I like it. Now that I've got dinner and a beverage, I'm out.

This has been perfect for me. Not only is it better for me than the shit that I usually end up eating for dinner, but it's very cheap (only like $3-4), and it's surprisingly enough food to satisfy me up and keep me filled. The chicken is enough protein to keep my carnivorous bloodlust at bay. The lettuce and carrots are just enough filler to keep me full and not attempt to go out and find dinner #2 like a damn Hobbit. (I know, LOTR reference. I don't even like those movies. Shoot me now). There are enough components in my salad that I like that outweigh my argument for not eating salad in the first place; which is there are too many things I don't like.

I usually don't eat salads because of the three primary ingredients, lettuce, tomato, and onion, I despise two of them and merely tolerate the third. I can't stand a raw tomato. Not on anything. Not ever. No hoagies, not zeps, no salads, no nothing. If they're there, I pick them out or off. It's something about the consistency of a cold squishy tomato. I don't like that slimy, pulpy feeling. They even taste different than a cooked tomato. Now a cooked tomato. I'll eat a cooked tomato in nearly anything. Tomato soup (my favorite meal), Tomato sauce, Tomato paste, Salsa (Yes, with the exception of Pico De Gallo, salsa uses cooked tomatoes), Chili (stewed tomatoes), Pizza sauce, etc. Nearly anything. I even put diced tomatoes into most of my own culinary delights. I feel the same way about onions. Raw: eccchh!!! I can stand that acidic, acerbic crunch. God they taste just as bad as they smell. P-U! But a cooked onion. Especially sauteed. A little caramelized. Ooh, baby. I could eat them bitches by themselves. Some dishes I make, like a good steak for example, start with some frozen onions that I sautee in butter with some button mushrooms. Oh, god I just want to eat that part before the steak is even done.

Anyway...

You might be asking yourself why I've been eating like this. A couple of reasons, actually. First, the 15 pounds I lost in the last month, I found them. They were orbiting my ass. So that was a big shock to my system. Plus I've seen the pattern of what, or more importantly how much, I've been eating and it's not good. I've also gotten lazy about lifting in the morning, and noticed that my arms have turned into jelly. So I'm trying to eat better this week because I know I'm going to eat like shit (or at least drink like a fish) both Thursday and Friday of this week. I'm trying to preemptively counter-balance that. I've also gotten back on the stick with lifting in the mornings now. Plus, even though I'm not doing a weight-loss bet with a coworker like we planned, then cancelled, I'm still tryin to lose as if we were. So I figure, let's keep it pushin'. After all, that was my motto for the New Year.

The salads are ok with me. I could probably still eat them for another good while. They're tasty enough not to bore me for a little bit. In a week, who knows? It's just funny. Me eating salad with no prompting. This from they guy who cosigned on, "Why ruin a perfectly good barbecue with salad?" The guy who usually says, "Skip the rabbit food." Who'd a thunk it? My mother thinks there's something going on, like I found a new woman and I'm trying to slim down for her. That's just how she thinks. I should be so lucky. :)

Labels: Fitness, Food, Health

OK, it's time somebody said something. I can't take it anymore.

Frank Caliendo should have stuck with MADtv. God almighty. I've had enough of him. I thought his John Madden impression was great. In fact no one did it better. That was his trademark. His signature. He was the 'Madden' guy. Fox Sports picked him up to do that impression for Sunday games which was awesome.

Frank then decided to expand his repertoire. He did a great Dubya impression. in fact one of the better ones I've seen. But quite honestly, he was too fat to portray the Prez. This is the point where he should have stopped and faded away into obscurity.

TBS decided to pick him and his impressions up for a few specials and a series...of nothing but sketches of him doing his impressions. Hold up. Stop right there. OK, he's good at one or two, but he's really stepping outside his ability. He added a few new ones that were not bad when they weren't totally generic like Robert DeNiro & Dr. Phil.

FrankTV was a colossal bust and yet, TBS insists that they are "very funny" More like "higly dubious"

But honestly, you cant build a sketch comedy show on one man's impressions alone. There simply isn't enough material.

Mostly his impressions all started to run together. When you can figure out exactly who it is he's trying to impersonate, you realize that all of his impressions sound the exact same.

The culmination of this genericism was when I saw a Dish Network commercial with him talking to himself as Charles Barkley (or so we're meant to believe). That impression sounded so mealy and generic and phoned in. At first, I genuinely couldn't tell who it was supposed to be. I thought with the makeup, maybe it could be the Round Mound of Rebound, but it just didn't sound like him. I've met Charles Barkley. I know his Alabama drawl. It doesn't sound anything like that. In fact, I think that impression was a little condescending. If it wasn't meant to be poking fun at him, I think Sir Charles should be a little offended. (Not that I'm defending Charles Barkley at all. I still think he's an ass.)

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2HWqM_gWEo" target="frankcaliendoyoutube"><img src="http://www.waldoland.com/images/blogimages/frankcaliendodishnetwork.jpg" alt="Frank Caliendo Dish Network Commercial 2"></a>


Nowadays, every time I see Frank Caliendo doing an impression, I'm like, "Yeah, ok. It's you. Ha ha. We get it. Whatever. <Click>" :|
Just give up. Go away.

Labels: Advertising, Comedy, TV

You know, I have been watching Coming To America lately. It's been on cable a few times in the last week. I had forgotten how truly funny that movie actually is. Certainly I pick up on a lot more humor than I did when I first saw it when I was 8.

That shit's got some great scenes in it. Like the one featuring Randy Watson & Sexual Chocolate.

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoS8j9eNMZU" target="sexualchocolate"><img src="http://www.waldoland.com/images/blogimages/sexualchocolate.jpg" /></a>

Every time I leave a group of people, that's how I'm going to do it. I know my Uncle Wayne already does it, but that's way too funny for him to keep all for himself. I know the white people at work won't get it, but that's half the fun. :)

Wow, the girl that played Lisa in it, Shari Headley, my god what a stunningly gorgeous woman. Oh, my god she is beautiful. Why haven't we seen more of her? I just looked her up on IMDB. It looks like she's done a lot of one-times on TV episodes here and there over the years. And a lot of Soaps. Stuff I don't admit I watch. I don't understand why she didn't do more feature films. As beautiful as she is, she could have been a great star.

Hehe, and Eriq LaSalle. Forever playing a prick. At least in ER, he's a magnanimous prick.

Labels: Comedy, Fun, Hot Bitches, Movies

Have you seen the commercials for Nutrisystem with Jillian Barberie?

They say she lost 41 pounds. Did you hear me, butterfly? 41 pounds!!! When was she EVER that big? Don't you think we would have noticed that shit (and complained about it) by now? As much as she's on TV? Come on.

Did you see that photoshopped-ass before picture? There's no frikkin' way She could have snuck and got that big. Who are you trying to bullshit? Maybe you lost 41 pounds in your tits!


Even better is the one with Larry The Cable Guy. "I lost 50 pounds with Nutrisystem" I got news for ya, Larr. Yer still a fatshit.


Who says there's no truth in advertising?

Labels: Advertising, Fitness, Health, Hot Bitches, Rants, TV

I get home and flip on my laptop. I look up and there's an alert from Apple. I have new downloads available. I open the dialog and, voila. Safari version 3.1 (525.13) is ready for download!

Apple finally released a version of Safari for Windows that doesn't crash INSTANTLY!

Yay.

Thank God. It's been months since Apple released a version that didn't crash within 3seconds of starting up. I haven't been able to do successful Safari development or testing in months. That's really great when you're about to release a large scale production website. Uh, we hope it works.

Everybody and their momma would tell Apple about it. Apple would keep releasing Safari like it worked. We'd all fire up Safari and guess what? Same thing.

Apple: "It works now."
    Users: "Uh, no it doesn't."
Apple: "OK, it works now."
    Users: "Uh, no it doesn't."
Apple: "How about now?"
    Users: "Nope. Nothin'. Still broke."
Apple: "Now?"
    Users: "Nada."
Apple: "I said it works. Now leave me alone!"
    Users: "Hello? Is anyone there?"

Labels: Technology, Web Development, Website, Work

Finally! It's been agonizing. I've been trying to jailbreak my brand new iPod Touch 32GB for the last couple of weeks. In fact, I've been trying with no success since the day I bought it.

Ironically enough, the first time I did it successfully, nearly right out of the box, using ZiPhone. Sweet, right? I dunno. I was watching some video on YouTube on how to jailbreak the 1.1.4 firmware. Of course me, having A.D.H.D. a short attention span and no patience, I got to doing half the steps before the video even mentioned them. For example, when it said, "Close iTunes" I didn't close iTunes. When it said, "iTunes will show you a dialog, just dismiss it and continue." I decided to Restore my iPod back to the 1.1.4 firmware after I had jailbroken it. Ooops, well whatever.

I figured I'd just jailbreak it again, right? Wrong. I tried jailbreaking it using the exact same ZiPhone method and ... holy shit! Oh, man did I eff this thing up. I saw the diagnostic info as usual during the alternate boot sequence, just like I did when I jailbroke it before, but this time when it got up to the MAC Address of the device, all I got was an infinite loop of messages reading, "BSD root: md0, major 2 minor 0"

Awww shit!

It took me a good long while to figure out how to even get my iPod to even boot normally after that. Dammit!

So I spent the last 3 weeks trying, ever so futily, to jailbreak my iPod. Every method I came across said, "Oh, that method doesn't work for the 32GB" or "This method only works on the iPhone, not the iPod" Oy vey! Most methods were derivations of the same method. Most told me to launch some combination of iPhuc and ZiPhone multiple concurrent times. Some of them told me to downgrade to a lower version of the firmware, jailbreak it and then upgrade through an installed app.

All of them claim to have been confirmed. Most of them even had video proving it. None of them worked for me. Every single time I get to the point where I'm trying to actually jailbreak it, I got the BSD error.

All of a sudden this Saturday I decided to go out and see of there was newer version of ZiPhone. Sure enough, there was! They must have released it in like the last week. Yay! I downloaded it installed it. I ran the jailbreak and sunnuvabitch it worked! I'm so happy.

The first thing I installed was BSD subsystem and OpenSSH. I don't actually know why, but that's what they tell me so I did. I installed all kinds of neat stuff. iPhysics is the most addictive game EVER. It's great. I've got all kinds of guitar and piano stuff for the musician on the go. Now that I've unlocked my iPod, I can install a plethora of meaningless crap. It's awesome!

Unfortunately whenever you jailbreak an iPod, it wipes all of your music and settings, so now I have to wait another 3 hours for my music to finish sync'ing. Oh well. Still worth it.

Labels: iPod, iTunes, Music

Damn, Salma Hayek has a killer body. Every time I see it, it's just a thing of beauty. Makes me damn near want to cry sometimes.

Every time From Dusk Till Dawn comes on, I am compelled to tune in if for nothing else than the table dance of Santanico Pandemonium. Ooooooowieee! Now that's what I call a fucking show!

<a href="http://youtube.com/watch?v=zvCTkBKRggc" target="youtube"><img src="http://www.waldoland.com/images/blogimages/salmadusktilldawn.jpg" alt="Salma Hayek" /></a>

Labels: Hot Bitches, Movies

So, I'm still smoke free. Congratulate me.

Something I've discovered about myself. It's not so much the nicotine or the smoke that I craved. It was the ritual of smoking itself that attracted me.

It was everything about actually doing it that I liked.

It starts with buying the pack. Knowing your brand. Being able to walk into your local Wawa, stepping up to the counter and asking for your brand. Anything else is unacceptable. No substitutions, no compromises. Ever. Even though 100 other people ask for that same pack of Marlboro Menthol Light Box a day, it was still something that was uniquely you. Your brand. Your flavor. Your style. You.

Once you pay, you can't even open your pack until you've prepared it. Packing your cigarettes by turning the pack on the butt end and slamming them against the counter repeatedly until you're satisfied. Maybe there's no counter space. The back of your wrist or the heel of your hand will do in a pinch. You've got to compact every bit of tobacco in those cigarettes, making every drag even more potent.

Then the unveiling. To peel the cellophane from the top of the box, you don't even have to look to see where the starter tab or the perforation is. You've done this a million times before. It's almost natural instinct. In that all too familiar circular motion you whip that plastic off the top and don't even hesitate to discard it. You flick the roof of the cardboard box open with the edge of your thumb. You rip out the foil keeping that magic fresh. Again discarded. You're so close. Nothing can stop you now.

You hold that pack to your bottom lip. You can feel the soft cotton of the filters pressed against your lips, packed so firmly in the box like 20 little class 'A' soldiers, all standing at attention. You draw your first whiff of the box. The menthol rises up your nose and fills the space behind your eyes. Mmm, they're fresh. Nothing worse than a stale smoke.

Your teeth, a precision instrument, select the first soldier to fall. They isolate a cigarette from the center of the pack and slide him out slowly. The ghost of James Dean is with you. He can see the slow cool forming at the tip of your lips. The box is closed and 19 soldiers are left standing.

You whip out your faithful Zippo from its place of keeping, the fifth pocket. He knows his job. He is the catalyst. All that came before was for not without him. A little flare is all he desires. You whip him open with the coolest of ease. Roll his striker and he's ready to go. You cock your head ever so slightly and take that first drag. That long slow drag. James would be proud. The smoke fills your lungs. A tingle passes through your body. Your muscles relax. The tension that's been building at the base of our neck begins to loosen. You feel light-headed. Almost dizzy. The nicotine flows through your body like a rushing flood. From your shoulders to the small of your back to your toes. You exhale and slam the zippo shut. You remember this feeling. It's been this good to you so many times before.


Damn, that was some good writing, huh? I'm making smoking sound like a supermarket romance novel. Cool. Shit I was on a roll.


Anyway, I smoked because it was something to do. I smoked at work because it got me away from my computer screen if only for a few minutes. When I smoked at home, I never smoked in the house because I never wanted my furniture to smell like an ashtray. I liked having the discipline of that rule. I would always smoke outside. I would always so out on my deck and smoke, though in the colder winter months, I've taking to smoking on my front steps.

Even smoking on the deck was a ritual. I had my favorite smoking deck chair I would sit in. I had an ashtray that i liked that I would empty every so often. Maybe I would choose to sit on my air conditioner. Maybe I would choose to lean over the rail of the deck. I would look up at the stars and contemplate the universe and everything else around me.

In summers I sit out on the deck with my guitar. I would use my zippo as a slide, sitting in my chair playing blues, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes all night. Those are some of my most relaxing times. Giving concerts for no one but myself.

When I'm deep in thought about work (whether it be professional or recreational work), sometimes my brain goes into overdrive. I need the smoke break to calm my mind down. The mild euphoria lets only a couple of thoughts seep through at a time. Not the standard hundreds, or even the thousands in overdrive mode. It allows me to slow down and actually let my brain process the thoughts it had. Kinda like speed reading. Yes, you just read this book in 12 minutes, but how much of it did you actually retain?

The biggest ritual for me was driving. My brain knows that the first thing I do after finding a good radio station is to light one up. I roll down the window a crack. Cigarette in left hand. Right hand on the wheel. When it's raining, the window is rolled up, and the cigarette switches hands, allowing me to put my ashes in the ashtray in my truck. I actually had to learn to drive with only my left hand so that I could smoke.

I even had special smokes for special occasions. I used to have clove cigarettes (Djarum) for parties and very long road trips. I've been smoking cloves since I was 16. I could rarely find them and I could sparsely get them then, so they were always reserved for special occasions.


Without the ritual of smoking, I feel kind of empty. Like, now what do I do? Without smoking, I don't really have an excuse to visit my deck and contemplate the universe. It's too cold for blues nights. How do I slow my brain down when I'm busy? What will I do when I need a break at work? Even driving, my brain wants to smoke because it knows that's always what it's done.

My biggest fear is the future. You already know I regressed at the bar last week. Well I'm going out to Kildare's this Friday and I'm debating whether to smoke or not. My brain just won't let me drink and not smoke. But a lot of people only smoke when they drink. Maybe it's ok. I don't know. It seems like if I only smoke when I'm out drinking, it's still an improvement. The question is, will I start to go out drinking more? Hehe.

Labels: Philosophizing