I am the king of Star Trek 2.0.

Just for shits & giggles, on Saturday morning I signed up to play along with Star Trek 2.0. For those of you that don't know, on G4 TV, they air an episode of Classic Trek, along with an interactive "Spock Market", news, and live statistics like the number of Dramatic Music Stabs, Uhura undie shots, Torn Kirk Shirts, and Ricardo Montalban. They also have an interactive chat which the show poses a question and users can respond and it shows up on the air. Neat, huh?

OK, so I'm a nerd.

So I sign up. I respond to the question, "What would interglactic space aliens look like?" to which I respond things like, "I think they would be furry.", "Mickey Rourke", and "Vivica Fox". :D

About five minutes later, I see my name pop up on screen with my first response. HOLY SHIT! IT WORKS!!!! I am a god! I control your air waves!

OK, so maybe not, but still it was pretty damn cool. Now I have a reason to watch Classic Trek. Another couple of minutes later I see my Mickey Rourke response show up. Obviously, there's a guy just monitoring this feed and deciding which responses make it to air. If there weren't could you just images what filth people would say?

Anyway, I thought that was some of the coolest shit I've seen in a while. And yes, I am a geek.

Labels: Geekdom, TV

And another one bites the dust.

I was watching the Dancing with the Stars results show last night. America voted to eliminate Harry Hamlin and professional dancer Ashly Del Grosso.

"Why?", you ask.

The answer, my sweeties, is because Harry dances like a walking toothpick. Even my fat ass could dance a tango with more passion than that. I'm sure when Harry and Ashly visited the Argentinian tango club earlier this week, the regulars looked at him like, "You must unclench...everything."

I feel so bad for Ashly Del Grosso, though. She's a fantastic dancer and the cutest little thing. Last season she had to contend with Master P (aka P. Miller), who danced like Frankenstein's Monster in basketball sneakers. For some reason, they weren't eliminated as early as they should have been (like week 1; "Kenny Mayne, you are safe!"). For about six weeks straight, poor little Ashly had to dance her tiny ass off around P. to compensate for for the "Frank factor". After each performance, America continued to vote them through to the next week, largely for entertainment value (watching P.), and also largely for sympathy value for Ashly. I lost faith in the American public a little more each week.

This season, she had to get the toothpick, Harry Hamlin, to loosen up. While as daunting a task as this might have been, Harry, couldn't you have taken some lessons from your wife Lisa Rinna in the off-season? Look how well she did. Well, America didn't have much sympathy for Harry. It's not that we didn't like you Harry, really. It's just that you're no Master P.

So we bid a fond farewell to Harry Hamlin and Ashly Del Grosso.


BTW - Speaking of mismatched dancing partners, this goes out to Louis van Amstel. Why when you're choreographing the Paso Doble (that's Double-Turn for all y'all ignant mo-fo's), would you partner Ashly, who I'd say is a diminutive 5'2", with Nick Kossovich (aka Wolfenstein), who stands at a towering 6'5" at least. That looked like some serious Master-Blaster/My Giant shit.

"Excuse me, Nick. It's a little difficult to dance with you when your dick's in my eye."



BTW - Yes I'm back again. What the fuck are the Scissor Sisters? That was they gayest shit I've seen in a while. How are you called Scissor Sisters whe there's only one woman (at least I'm pretty sure that was a woman, not a dude in drag) and she's not even the lead singer. And WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A BASS PLAYER!!?! (No, I'm not looking for a gig)

Labels: TV

The birthday BBQ bash went great!!!

As usual we cooked enough food for a small army, even though there were only 6 people. You know, the usual barbecue fare: Dogs, sausages, steakburgers, potato salad, chicken, ribs.

Why? because it's all about the leftovers.

The usual suspects showed up: Simple-ass Mom, geriatric pimp Dad, crazy-ass Wayne brought Oronde (who cut her hair extremely short, but it looks really good on her). We missed Allen, who wasn't feeling well.

I brought Jen. (needle skips here)

I was petrified. I don't usually bring the women I date around my family. Especially not the ones I've been this sprung on before. Truth be told, I've never been THIS sprung on anybody before. That's A LOT of crazy to handle all at once and we've only gone out three times before this. Even though they're very accepting, I still had no idea how they would react.

Everybody loved her. And I do mean EVERYBODY. That made me so happy. She brought some brownies for everyone which sealed the deal even further. We sat, we ate, we talked shit all night. This is what we do. Jen fit right in. She is officially a member of the tribe. I think she had a good time. I couldn't have asked for a better birthday.

I was surprised that nobody was drinking. Mom and Jen had a couple of glasses of wine each, but that was it. I bought a damn case of Yeungling Lager and a sixer of Corona, because I know that's what Jen likes. Nobody (myself included) touched any of it.

So I've get plenty of cold beers if anybody wants to come over! :)

Labels: Dating

Happy birthday to me. :S

We pushed my birthday BBQ back to Sunday, the 3^rd, because Hurricane Ernesto was coming up the coast. It's hard to get those coals lit when the grill is floating down the street.

I wake up around 9 this morning to the smell of eggs and grits. Yay. My mother is making breakfast. I saunter into the kitchen, only to see one damn plate of food, being scurried away and eaten. All I see is an empty stove and the only thing my mother has to say to me is, "Watch the burners, they're hot"

DAMN :| WTF!?!

Here it is, my birthday, and I can't even get a birthday breakfast. That's some cold shit.

So I lay down on the couch and just watch her eat her breakfast and sip her coffeee. The next thing she says to me is, "You have chores to do."

I am Jack's enraged sphincter.

After about another five minutes, she takes a breath from scarfing down eggs & grits long enough to wonder why I'm not eating any breakfast, and blythely states, "There's plenty of cereal in there."

I am Jack's twitching eye.

HELLO!?!?!!? WTF!!?!

So finally after about a half-hour, I casually mention that IT'S MY FRIKKIN' BIRTHDAY!!! Folks, if you could have seen the look on her face as she realized that she forgot it was my birthday...it was PRICELESS!

You know, senile dementia must be fun. We both had a good laugh at how she forgot it was my birthday in the time it took her to walk from the top of the stairs to the bottom step (which nowadays is considerable) and how she just gagged me out of breakfast.


So how did I get gagged twice, you ask?

Shortly thereafter, I leave to start running errands for the BBQ tomorrow. She left relatively the same time to run her own errands. I had to run to the liquor store and the beer distributor. I stopped at McDonald's (for obvious reasons) to get a breakfsat sandwich. I didn't feel like eating it in the car, so I brought it home to eat when I was through with my runs.

She gets back from the grocery store before I have a chance to eat my sandwich, which means I have to sprint up from whatever I may be doing, and unload and put away the groceries and supplies.

I put away all the shit while she sits in the bigass lounge chair and recuperates. Because, you know, grocery shopping is such tiring work. Now that I've put the shit away, do I have a chance to sit down and have some breakfast. Don't forget. It's still my birthday. I'm ready to eat my sandwich and I hear, "Oh, I'm so starving. Can I have whatever that is?"

I am Jack's burst ocular blood vessel.

SUNNUVABITCH!!!!!!


I'm not actually mad because it's so funny, but that's some effed up stuff, man.

Labels: Rants

Date number three with Jen last night.

We met for drinks at the Moon Saloon last night. We talked and laughed and drank. I had a great time. I'm pretty sure she did, too (that's important, huh?).

We felt kind of silly because all night we kept thinking that place had a hell of a sound system. The CD's playing sounded like a live band. Then we kept wondering why people were clapping in between tracks. It was only after 2 hours and me getting up to look around the corner to discover that there actually was a live band playing! Damn we thought that CD was good. We felt like goons :S

Afterwards we walked the streets of Phoenixville for a little bit. Mostly looking for my truck (inside joke). It was a little drizzly out so I got to be close to her; we shared an umbrella. We got a slice at (Frank's) Italian Delite [although, she calls it Dan's] on Bridge St. and watched the last few minutes of the Eagles preseason game. A beautiful girl who likes football and loves pizza. It doesn't get much better than that.

After Frank's/Dan's, I drove her back to her car and we went back to her place. She offered me a beer and lit some candles. We sat on the couch watched the boob tube in search of the game we were watching a few minutes ago. Evidently it was the fourth quarter; the game was over. Oops. The worst part of that was at least the Eagles were winning when we left the pizza place. Amazing what can happen in like, ten minutes, huh?

Since we couldn't find the Eagles game, she began flipping throught the guide on her DirecTV. I didn't really care what we watched as long as I was there with her. Without prompting or goading, she turns to Spike to watch some "Prisoners Gone Wild" show. This is great! Not only does she like football pizza and beer, but she watches Spike!

So we're watching "Prisoners Gone Wild" and all I could think about was how bad I wanted to kiss her. Stupid me, I'm too much of a punk to make a move. I'm just not rushing things. It was only our third date and I didn't want to do anything to screw it up, ilke advance too early. I even tried the lame-ass yawn-and put your arm around her move. Dumbass.

It got late (after midnight) and so we decided to end the evening. As I'm leaving and we kiss good-night, something happened. It was electric. I couldn't think of anything other than how I wanted that moment, that kiss, to last forever.

I'm so sprung on this girl.

Labels: Dating