As you may notice, it is now 4:40 AM and I'm on my computer blogging. I woke up at 4 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. As I tried to get back to sleep, I realized I couldn't for three reasons.
I couldn't lay on my side because of how hungry I was.
I couldn't lay on my side because of how horny I was.
I couldn't turn off my mind.
That's when I had a revelation albeit a minor one.
Typically, I sleep with the TV on. It's almost like a nightlight/alarm clock. I watch TV until I fall asleep. I don't even bother turning it off. I just watch whatever I'm watching until I fade away.
I'm so attached to it that I rarely know what it's like to sleep without it. When Jade and I would sleep together, we would sleep with the TV on. She was the same way.
I decided to try an experiment last night. I was done what I was doing for the night, turned off all the downstairs lights and headed up to bed. I got into the bedroom and hadn't turned on the lights at all. Completely dark. The realization was that I couldn't find my remote control in the sheets. After groping around in the dark, I didn't even turn the TV on. I thought it would be a welcome and calming change to sleep without my dependency. My electric bill will thank me.
Here's what I've discovered. I use the TV as a mental distraction. Without it, I can't shut my mind off. As someone who spends a great deal of time in my own head, I have a near constant inner monologue. With nothing drowning it out, the volume gets amplified. I can't shut my mind up.
I know that sounds crazy... and it probably is. I can't tune out the voice in my head. Thank god it's only one voice.
I find myself pondering philosophy, giving life lessons, writing blog entries, having fantasies, thinking about the next day, dreaming up new code-based solutions, website designs, etc. The only thing that stops this deluge of thought during the day is that it's constantly interrupted by speaking, or working.
I think I woke up, fully awake at 4 AM because my own mind had no one to listen to it. I think this is what it must be like to be truly insane. I think crazy people just don't know how to suppress or absorb the inner monologue. It just becomes completely overwhelming. Fortunately, I have been living with my own inner monologue for a very long time.
Labels: Insomnia, Life, Philosophizing