I had a revelation today.
I don't actually hate Jade.
As I was driving to
Coyote Crossing in Conshohocken for lunch last Friday, I found myself flipping the finger down Elm/Hector street in the general direction of 7th Heaven.
I was thinking about the hate that I've been harboring all this time over Jade. Thinking about how it's poisoned my soul. The hate and anger and frustration has changed me. I've turned into a different person.
Though I haven't become completely bitter, it has changed my perspective on quite a few things. It's actually become a positive influence on my life. Even though I'm still cleaning up the mess left behind in her wake, I can't let her turn me to the dark side. I can't let her change me.
I came to the conclusion that I don't need to waste any more time hating her. It's not healthy. I was indulging my own craziness. Yes, I hate what she did to me. Yes, It breaks my heart every time I think how much of a better life she would have if only she were a better person. It's been nearly a year now and I'm still thinking about her.
The hate held power over me. I don't let any one thing hold power over me like that. Why should I continue to hold on to something so negative? As someone very wise once told me,
"If it ain't good for you, and it ain't good to you, there's no reason to continue doing it." The funny thing was that it was me perpetuating the hate. She stopped calling in August.
So why was I still holding on? Maybe it was some vain hope that she might change. If not for herself, then for her children. I would like to know that she's all right. More importantly, I would like to know that her daughter is all right. It breaks my heart every time I see a child with a joy of life like she had. I probably would have been the best father figure that she'll ever have.
But it's over now. I'm over her. She doesn't hold any more power whatsoever over me.
Labels: Dating, Hot Bitches, Life