So I thought I was just a little wrecked when I came in to work on Friday after being out until 3AM the previous night. I had some dehydration and a little nagging cough. I would speak to people and my voice would get more and more gravely. People thought, "Man, you must have tore it up last night. I can't believe you even bothered to show up today."
"That's right. And on a snow day, too...bitches!"
As the day went on, the cough got worse. By the time I left work, I couldn't speak anymore. My throat was that irritated. By the time I got home, I was horking up little chunks of hurl and lung butter. I'd sit on the couch and cough so hard I would gag. This was fun. Thank God I didn't have to go to work in the morning. I kept thinking I must have caught the
West Nile Virus, or at least the
West Conshy Virus.
Here it is Saturday, and I can't bring myself to get out of bed. I'm not weak or anything, I simply know that If I sit up and breathe, that I'm gonna cough. Fuck that. I'll sleep all day. I ain't got shit else to do.
So Saturday's gone. Now for the fucked up shit. The cold has moved from primarily my chest to my head. I'm still coughing, but now I've got all kinds of shit happening. I've got a killer headache at the base of my skull. Every orifice on my head is closed up. I'm got so much sinus pressure that my eyeballs hurt, and on top of it all, I've got a fever of like 110.
Too fatigued to cook and to dizzy to even stand, I spent most of Sunday hungry until my Mom came over and brought me some Chicken and Dumplings. Nothin like that momma love when you're sick. Oh, that shit made my day.
I could feel the fever just radiating off of me. Anywhere skin was touching skin I could feel the heat. My balls were like this mist-laden, tropical, Evil Jungle Penis, forest fire. I was in a constant sweat. I'm sure I smelled great.
I couldn't even sleep with the fever. I had two blankets and a fan. I felt like an old menopausal woman. I'm HOOOOOOOTTT!!! I'm COOOOOOLLLLDD!!! I'm HOOOOOOOTTT!!! I'm COOOOOOLLLLDD!!! Yeesh!
Monday I wasn't even trying to feel work. I was still horking up chunks of things that didn't belong in my body. Awesome.
I truly didn't realize how sick I was until I tried to go to the store and get some supplies. I dragged my ass to the Giant and loaded up on cough drops, decongestants, and antihistamines. I filled my cart with microwavable soups and Gatorade. ('Cause it's got lectro-lights) I was so dehydrated I nearly passed out three times in the store. I'm walking around and my lips are so dry, I look like I've been giving blowjobs to powdered donuts all day. I wanted to kill the little aggravating checkout boy, who didn't have any change in his drawer. Ordinarily I'd have leapt over the counter and strangled him
AND his manager after I floated him a C-Note and he looked at me like he was stupid, but I was far too weak. I just wanted to get back home.
And for some reason, the sunlight made me nauseous. Or maybe it was the fact that I hadn't eaten anything solid in the last three days.
I somehow made it back home. And nearly passed out on the couch. I didn't even bother to put the food away. OK, so now I've made my journey out into the world and hopefully once I get a little food in me, I'll feel better.
I'm online IM'ing people at work because I'm starved for entertainment. Nothing on TV. I ended up watching a lot of Lifetime. THERE WAS NOTHING ELSE ON! I was so eff'ing bored. Anyway, I'm IM'ing Gina when I made the biggest dumbass move I've made in a while. Never eat saltines and drink orange juice after your lips have split from being dehydrated. BIG MISTAKE! Oh, that sucked so bad!
I was hoping that people would send me entertaining e-mails and stuff because I was sick. No such luck. I was so bored!
The meds I took were enough to kill a horse, but I was feeling shitty so I doubled up on them. Jeezus,
Mucinex are big fucking pills! Could choke a bull moose with them sons o' bitches! They say take them with a full glass of water. No shit! Wouldn't want to risk one of thtem getting lodged in your esophagus on the way down. It's like trying to swallow a football every twelve hours!
Anyway, Monday was spent. Tuesday I was feeling much better, but still not quite 100%. I still had a nagging cough, but my body was just trying to get phlegm out of my left lung. It wasn't like a hacking anymore. I still wasn't going to work. I decided that today I wasn't going in to the office, but at least I could get some work done from home.
Well, it's Wednesday. I'm dragging my ass into work like a wounded dog. I still can't really speak, and I'm a phlegm machine. Oh well. One good thing about being sick. I must have lost 5 pounds in sweat alone. Another is I haven't even thought about a cigarette since last week.
Labels: Health