WALDOLand Blog

Nothing But Salads This Week

2008-04-02T21:45:00.001-04:00

I've been eating nothing but salads this week for dinner. I'm actually alright with that.

I go to my local Giant every night on my way home and make myself a little salad from the salad bar. I start with a bed of Romaine lettuce. Top it with a pile of shredded carrots. Then top the carrots with some shredded cheese. Very colorful in its simplicity. I swing around to the other side of the bar and grab some Fajita chicken strips. Maybe a pinch of real bacon bits for garnish and color. Top it all off with a light splash of Thousand Island dressing and, voila! We have salad.

Once my salad is made, I go over to the beverage aisle and pick up a bottled water or a tea or something like. That. Not because it's any healthier than anything else. Just because I like it. Now that I've got dinner and a beverage, I'm out.

This has been perfect for me. Not only is it better for me than the shit that I usually end up eating for dinner, but it's very cheap (only like $3-4), and it's surprisingly enough food to satisfy me up and keep me filled. The chicken is enough protein to keep my carnivorous bloodlust at bay. The lettuce and carrots are just enough filler to keep me full and not attempt to go out and find dinner #2 like a damn Hobbit. (I know, LOTR reference. I don't even like those movies. Shoot me now). There are enough components in my salad that I like that outweigh my argument for not eating salad in the first place; which is there are too many things I don't like.

I usually don't eat salads because of the three primary ingredients, lettuce, tomato, and onion, I despise two of them and merely tolerate the third. I can't stand a raw tomato. Not on anything. Not ever. No hoagies, not zeps, no salads, no nothing. If they're there, I pick them out or off. It's something about the consistency of a cold squishy tomato. I don't like that slimy, pulpy feeling. They even taste different than a cooked tomato. Now a cooked tomato. I'll eat a cooked tomato in nearly anything. Tomato soup (my favorite meal), Tomato sauce, Tomato paste, Salsa (Yes, with the exception of Pico De Gallo, salsa uses cooked tomatoes), Chili (stewed tomatoes), Pizza sauce, etc. Nearly anything. I even put diced tomatoes into most of my own culinary delights. I feel the same way about onions. Raw: eccchh!!! I can stand that acidic, acerbic crunch. God they taste just as bad as they smell. P-U! But a cooked onion. Especially sauteed. A little caramelized. Ooh, baby. I could eat them bitches by themselves. Some dishes I make, like a good steak for example, start with some frozen onions that I sautee in butter with some button mushrooms. Oh, god I just want to eat that part before the steak is even done.

Anyway...

You might be asking yourself why I've been eating like this. A couple of reasons, actually. First, the 15 pounds I lost in the last month, I found them. They were orbiting my ass. So that was a big shock to my system. Plus I've seen the pattern of what, or more importantly how much, I've been eating and it's not good. I've also gotten lazy about lifting in the morning, and noticed that my arms have turned into jelly. So I'm trying to eat better this week because I know I'm going to eat like shit (or at least drink like a fish) both Thursday and Friday of this week. I'm trying to preemptively counter-balance that. I've also gotten back on the stick with lifting in the mornings now. Plus, even though I'm not doing a weight-loss bet with a coworker like we planned, then cancelled, I'm still tryin to lose as if we were. So I figure, let's keep it pushin'. After all, that was my motto for the New Year.

The salads are ok with me. I could probably still eat them for another good while. They're tasty enough not to bore me for a little bit. In a week, who knows? It's just funny. Me eating salad with no prompting. This from they guy who cosigned on, "Why ruin a perfectly good barbecue with salad?" The guy who usually says, "Skip the rabbit food." Who'd a thunk it? My mother thinks there's something going on, like I found a new woman and I'm trying to slim down for her. That's just how she thinks. I should be so lucky. :)

Frank Caliendo's Impressions Suck

2008-03-31T19:45:00.002-04:00

OK, it's time somebody said something. I can't take it anymore.

Frank Caliendo should have stuck with MADtv. God almighty. I've had enough of him. I thought his John Madden impression was great. In fact no one did it better. That was his trademark. His signature. He was the 'Madden' guy. Fox Sports picked him up to do that impression for Sunday games which was awesome.

Frank then decided to expand his repertoire. He did a great Dubya impression. in fact one of the better ones I've seen. But quite honestly, he was too fat to portray the Prez. This is the point where he should have stopped and faded away into obscurity.

TBS decided to pick him and his impressions up for a few specials and a series...of nothing but sketches of him doing his impressions. Hold up. Stop right there. OK, he's good at one or two, but he's really stepping outside his ability. He added a few new ones that were not bad when they weren't totally generic like Robert DeNiro & Dr. Phil.

FrankTV was a colossal bust and yet, TBS insists that they are "very funny" More like "higly dubious"

But honestly, you cant build a sketch comedy show on one man's impressions alone. There simply isn't enough material.

Mostly his impressions all started to run together. When you can figure out exactly who it is he's trying to impersonate, you realize that all of his impressions sound the exact same.

The culmination of this genericism was when I saw a Dish Network commercial with him talking to himself as Charles Barkley (or so we're meant to believe). That impression sounded so mealy and generic and phoned in. At first, I genuinely couldn't tell who it was supposed to be. I thought with the makeup, maybe it could be the Round Mound of Rebound, but it just didn't sound like him. I've met Charles Barkley. I know his Alabama drawl. It doesn't sound anything like that. In fact, I think that impression was a little condescending. If it wasn't meant to be poking fun at him, I think Sir Charles should be a little offended. (Not that I'm defending Charles Barkley at all. I still think he's an ass.)

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2HWqM_gWEo" target="frankcaliendoyoutube"></a>

Nowadays, every time I see Frank Caliendo doing an impression, I'm like, "Yeah, ok. It's you. Ha ha. We get it. Whatever. <Click>" :|
Just give up. Go away.

Sexual Chocolate!

2008-03-30T17:48:00.002-04:00

You know, I have been watching Coming To America lately. It's been on cable a few times in the last week. I had forgotten how truly funny that movie actually is. Certainly I pick up on a lot more humor than I did when I first saw it when I was 8.

That shit's got some great scenes in it. Like the one featuring Randy Watson & Sexual Chocolate.

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoS8j9eNMZU" target="sexualchocolate"></a>

Every time I leave a group of people, that's how I'm going to do it. I know my Uncle Wayne already does it, but that's way too funny for him to keep all for himself. I know the white people at work won't get it, but that's half the fun. :)

Wow, the girl that played Lisa in it, Shari Headley, my god what a stunningly gorgeous woman. Oh, my god she is beautiful. Why haven't we seen more of her? I just looked her up on IMDB. It looks like she's done a lot of one-times on TV episodes here and there over the years. And a lot of Soaps. Stuff I don't ~~admit~~ I watch. I don't understand why she didn't do more feature films. As beautiful as she is, she could have been a great star.

Hehe, and Eriq LaSalle. Forever playing a prick. At least in ER, he's a magnanimous prick.

When Was Jillian Barberie EVER That Big?

2008-03-30T16:06:00.002-04:00

Have you seen the commercials for Nutrisystem with Jillian Barberie?

They say she lost 41 pounds. Did you hear me, butterfly? 41 pounds!!! When was she EVER that big? Don't you think we would have noticed that shit (and complained about it) by now? As much as she's on TV? Come on.

Did you see that photoshopped-ass before picture? There's no frikkin' way She could have snuck and got that big. Who are you trying to bullshit? Maybe you lost 41 pounds in your tits!

Even better is the one with Larry The Cable Guy. "I lost 50 pounds with Nutrisystem" I got news for ya, Larr. Yer still a fatshit.

Who says there's no truth in advertising?

Well it's about goddamn time!

2008-03-24T18:34:00.003-04:00

I get home and flip on my laptop. I look up and there's an alert from Apple. I have new downloads available. I open the dialog and, voila. Safari version 3.1 (525.13) is ready for download!

Apple finally released a version of Safari for Windows that doesn't crash INSTANTLY!

Yay.

Thank God. It's been months since Apple released a version that didn't crash within 3seconds of starting up. I haven't been able to do successful Safari development or testing in months. That's really great when you're about to release a large scale production website. Uh, we hope it works.

Everybody and their momma would tell Apple about it. Apple would keep releasing Safari like it worked. We'd all fire up Safari and guess what? Same thing.

Apple: "It works now."
    Users: "Uh, no it doesn't."
Apple: "OK, it works now."
    Users: "Uh, no it doesn't."
Apple: "How about now?"
    Users: "Nope. Nothin'. Still broke."
Apple: "Now?"
    Users: "Nada."
Apple: "I said it works. Now leave me alone!"
    Users: "Hello? Is anyone there?"

Jailbroke, bitch!

2008-03-22T12:06:00.003-04:00

Finally! It's been agonizing. I've been trying to jailbreak my brand new iPod Touch 32GB for the last couple of weeks. In fact, I've been trying with no success since the day I bought it.

Ironically enough, the first time I did it successfully, nearly right out of the box, using ZiPhone. Sweet, right? I dunno. I was watching some video on YouTube on how to jailbreak the 1.1.4 firmware. Of course me, having A.D.H.D. a short attention span and no patience, I got to doing half the steps before the video even mentioned them. For example, when it said, "Close iTunes" I didn't close iTunes. When it said, "iTunes will show you a dialog, just dismiss it and continue." I decided to Restore my iPod back to the 1.1.4 firmware after I had jailbroken it. Ooops, well whatever.

I figured I'd just jailbreak it again, right? Wrong. I tried jailbreaking it using the exact same ZiPhone method and ... holy shit! Oh, man did I eff this thing up. I saw the diagnostic info as usual during the alternate boot sequence, just like I did when I jailbroke it before, but this time when it got up to the MAC Address of the device, all I got was an infinite loop of messages reading, "BSD root: md0, major 2 minor 0"

Awww shit!

It took me a good long while to figure out how to even get my iPod to even boot normally after that. Dammit!

So I spent the last 3 weeks trying, ever so futily, to jailbreak my iPod. Every method I came across said, "Oh, that method doesn't work for the 32GB" or "This method only works on the iPhone, not the iPod" Oy vey! Most methods were derivations of the same method. Most told me to launch some combination of iPhuc and ZiPhone multiple concurrent times. Some of them told me to downgrade to a lower version of the firmware, jailbreak it and then upgrade through an installed app.

All of them claim to have been confirmed. Most of them even had video proving it. None of them worked for me. Every single time I get to the point where I'm trying to actually jailbreak it, I got the BSD error.

All of a sudden this Saturday I decided to go out and see of there was newer version of ZiPhone. Sure enough, there was! They must have released it in like the last week. Yay! I downloaded it installed it. I ran the jailbreak and sunnuvabitch it worked! I'm so happy.

The first thing I installed was BSD subsystem and OpenSSH. I don't actually know why, but that's what they tell me so I did. I installed all kinds of neat stuff. iPhysics is the most addictive game EVER. It's great. I've got all kinds of guitar and piano stuff for the musician on the go. Now that I've unlocked my iPod, I can install a plethora of meaningless crap. It's awesome!

Unfortunately whenever you jailbreak an iPod, it wipes all of your music and settings, so now I have to wait another 3 hours for my music to finish sync'ing. Oh well. Still worth it.

Ooooooowieee!

2008-03-20T19:37:00.003-04:00

Damn, Salma Hayek has a killer body. Every time I see it, it's just a thing of beauty. Makes me damn near want to cry sometimes.

Every time From Dusk Till Dawn comes on, I am compelled to tune in if for nothing else than the table dance of Santanico Pandemonium. Ooooooowieee! Now that's what I call a fucking show!

<a href="http://youtube.com/watch?v=zvCTkBKRggc" target="youtube"></a>

Still Standing

2008-03-11T13:53:00.001-04:00

So, I'm still smoke free. Congratulate me.

Something I've discovered about myself. It's not so much the nicotine or the smoke that I craved. It was the ritual of smoking itself that attracted me.

It was everything about actually doing it that I liked.

It starts with buying the pack. Knowing your brand. Being able to walk into your local Wawa, stepping up to the counter and asking for your brand. Anything else is unacceptable. No substitutions, no compromises. Ever. Even though 100 other people ask for that same pack of Marlboro Menthol Light Box a day, it was still something that was uniquely you. Your brand. Your flavor. Your style. You.

Once you pay, you can't even open your pack until you've prepared it. Packing your cigarettes by turning the pack on the butt end and slamming them against the counter repeatedly until you're satisfied. Maybe there's no counter space. The back of your wrist or the heel of your hand will do in a pinch. You've got to compact every bit of tobacco in those cigarettes, making every drag even more potent.

Then the unveiling. To peel the cellophane from the top of the box, you don't even have to look to see where the starter tab or the perforation is. You've done this a million times before. It's almost natural instinct. In that all too familiar circular motion you whip that plastic off the top and don't even hesitate to discard it. You flick the roof of the cardboard box open with the edge of your thumb. You rip out the foil keeping that magic fresh. Again discarded. You're so close. Nothing can stop you now.

You hold that pack to your bottom lip. You can feel the soft cotton of the filters pressed against your lips, packed so firmly in the box like 20 little class 'A' soldiers, all standing at attention. You draw your first whiff of the box. The menthol rises up your nose and fills the space behind your eyes. Mmm, they're fresh. Nothing worse than a stale smoke.

Your teeth, a precision instrument, select the first soldier to fall. They isolate a cigarette from the center of the pack and slide him out slowly. The ghost of James Dean is with you. He can see the slow cool forming at the tip of your lips. The box is closed and 19 soldiers are left standing.

You whip out your faithful Zippo from its place of keeping, the fifth pocket. He knows his job. He is the catalyst. All that came before was for not without him. A little flare is all he desires. You whip him open with the coolest of ease. Roll his striker and he's ready to go. You cock your head ever so slightly and take that first drag. That long slow drag. James would be proud. The smoke fills your lungs. A tingle passes through your body. Your muscles relax. The tension that's been building at the base of our neck begins to loosen. You feel light-headed. Almost dizzy. The nicotine flows through your body like a rushing flood. From your shoulders to the small of your back to your toes. You exhale and slam the zippo shut. You remember this feeling. It's been this good to you so many times before.

Damn, that was some good writing, huh? I'm making smoking sound like a supermarket romance novel. Cool. Shit I was on a roll.

Anyway, I smoked because it was something to do. I smoked at work because it got me away from my computer screen if only for a few minutes. When I smoked at home, I never smoked in the house because I never wanted my furniture to smell like an ashtray. I liked having the discipline of that rule. I would always smoke outside. I would always so out on my deck and smoke, though in the colder winter months, I've taking to smoking on my front steps.

Even smoking on the deck was a ritual. I had my favorite smoking deck chair I would sit in. I had an ashtray that i liked that I would empty every so often. Maybe I would choose to sit on my air conditioner. Maybe I would choose to lean over the rail of the deck. I would look up at the stars and contemplate the universe and everything else around me.

In summers I sit out on the deck with my guitar. I would use my zippo as a slide, sitting in my chair playing blues, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes all night. Those are some of my most relaxing times. Giving concerts for no one but myself.

When I'm deep in thought about work (whether it be professional or recreational work), sometimes my brain goes into overdrive. I need the smoke break to calm my mind down. The mild euphoria lets only a couple of thoughts seep through at a time. Not the standard hundreds, or even the thousands in overdrive mode. It allows me to slow down and actually let my brain process the thoughts it had. Kinda like speed reading. Yes, you just read this book in 12 minutes, but how much of it did you actually retain?

The biggest ritual for me was driving. My brain knows that the first thing I do after finding a good radio station is to light one up. I roll down the window a crack. Cigarette in left hand. Right hand on the wheel. When it's raining, the window is rolled up, and the cigarette switches hands, allowing me to put my ashes in the ashtray in my truck. I actually had to learn to drive with only my left hand so that I could smoke.

I even had special smokes for special occasions. I used to have clove cigarettes (Djarum) for parties and very long road trips. I've been smoking cloves since I was 16. I could rarely find them and I could sparsely get them then, so they were always reserved for special occasions.

Without the ritual of smoking, I feel kind of empty. Like, now what do I do? Without smoking, I don't really have an excuse to visit my deck and contemplate the universe. It's too cold for blues nights. How do I slow my brain down when I'm busy? What will I do when I need a break at work? Even driving, my brain wants to smoke because it knows that's always what it's done.

My biggest fear is the future. You already know I regressed at the bar last week. Well I'm going out to Kildare's this Friday and I'm debating whether to smoke or not. My brain just won't let me drink and not smoke. But a lot of people only smoke when they drink. Maybe it's ok. I don't know. It seems like if I only smoke when I'm out drinking, it's still an improvement. The question is, will I start to go out drinking more? Hehe.

OK, So I had a moment of weakness.

2008-03-07T17:25:00.001-05:00

I was out last night at the Fox And Hound for an impromptu happy hour. I just didn't feel right drinking and not smoking. Almost two weeks without one and I caved. Like a schlep I bummed cigarettes off of everyone there. I must have had at least six last night. My brain just wouldn't let me drink and not smoke.

So it's a new day. And I still have no desire to smoke. If I can limit myself to just while I'm drinking, I think even that is an improvement. I think I'll be ok, "quitting" As Mark Twain said, "Quitting smoking is easy. I've done it a thousand times."

I'll quit again tomorrow. :)

Waiting on the World to Change

2008-03-07T13:30:00.001-05:00

So I had a revelation today. I discovered a problem of mine. I keep waiting on the world to change. I took a look back at a few of my personal relationships over the past couple of years. I realized that I was always waiting for the other person to change. Whether it be changing an opinion, a viewpoint, their personality, whatever.

I always feel like I'm evolving. I'm always willing to take that one step forward. Because of that, it seems, that I assume everyone else is willing, too. What I discovered is that just because I'm ready doesn't meant that they are, no matter how much I want it. No matter how much I want them to be.

Case in point: With Jade, I kept waiting on her to be a better person. I had faith. I expected her to be. She even tried. But she wasn't ready. She wasn't able to let go of herself long enough to realize that she wasn't the center of the universe. I kept waiting on her to change and while I was waiting, she ruined me. It was my own fault that I let her do that to me. I couldn't see her for what she was, only what I expected her to be.

Next case in point: I recently asked someone out who works at the same company as I do. I won't mention her name here. She turned me down. Though I wasn't mad, I was kind of puzzled as to why she said no. She stated as one of her reasons that she wasn't willing to breach "the friend boundary" especially with someone she works with. I suppose I understand that. Her friendship is very important to me. I remember stating in public many times, "Don't dip your pen in the company ink." Logically, I should have heeded my own advice, but I couldn't help the way I felt.

I started to analyze her response a little. I kept thinking to myself in stark contrast to my own advice, "We can make it work. It doesn't have to be awkward if we don't let it." Did you notice the pronoun in there, we? I discovered playing back in my head that her response was about her. She wasn't willing to cross the friend boundary. She was uncomfortable dating someone at work. She wasn't willing to put our friendship in jeopardy.

Just because I was willing to cross those lines for the prospect of something more than friendship, something better, why should I expect that she would? I think it's probably a little arrogant of me to expect that. If she was willing, that's great. If she wasn't, that's her decision, not my expectation. She has her own set of rules that she lives her life by. I shouldn't impose myself upon that.

Final case in point: Sydd. I wouldn't talk to Sydd for years because when I was 21 and he was 21, I was semi-successful. I had my life together (or at least was on the track). I had a good job and was living on my own, making a little bit of coin. I expected he should be doing the same. When I discovered that not only he wasn't, but he was still continuing in the same patterns that had gotten him into deep shit as a teenager, I dropped him. We had a knock-down, drag-out on the phone, and I didn't speak to him again for years. I expected him to do better because I was doing better.

Sydd was the same as he ever was. I had expected so much better. He just wasn't ready to do better at that point. Why did I expect so much? Maybe I always thought, "Well, if I can do it, why can't you?" I can't hold other people to my own standards. Everybody's different and everybody's got their own path. Thankfully, we're starting to get back in touch with one another in recent days. He's doing better. I'm doing better. I feel we'll be better friends now.

I don't know. It's just a surprising pattern I've discovered in my personal relationships. I keep expecting the world to change and what I've realized is that people are who they are. It's not my job to change them. And it shouldn't be my expectation that they will. In fact, I know now, that some people ain't never gonna change. It's not incumbent upon me to expect anything from anyone.

Maybe this sounds cynical. It's really not. It's actually a more positive outlook. I can still hope for people. I can still believe good things about people. It's just not my place to impose or expect anything.

Damn, I Need A Cigarette After This One

2008-03-04T20:05:00.002-05:00

Of all people, my mother sent this one to me.

MediaTakeOut.com just got its hands on an excerpt from the tell-all book of Philadelphia-based radio personality Goldengirl (whose real mane is Lisa Natson) entitled Sex & Celebrities: The Truth, the Whole Truth, The Naked Truth.

...

Lil Kim and I were touching, rubbing, and before I knew it, we were playing in each other's pussy with our fingers. Her ass was so soft, I kept touching and grabbing it. I'd never felt anybody's ass as soft as mine, and her titties were huge and pretty. Her nipples got hard instantly as I licked all over them. She was rubbing my clit and grabbing my ass.

She pulled me on top of her, and somehow made her clit press a button on mine. We were grinding clits, and it felt unbelievably good. I figured she knew what she was doing, cause my pussy was dripping wet. We were both moaning, and I didn't think she could feel my pussy juices, because as she slid her fingers between my lips.

When she felt how wet she had gotten me, she got a surge of adrenaline and said, "Oh my God, girl, you're so wet, let me..." and she leaned up and grabbed my leg to motion me to turn my ass to her face. I did, and we were in the sixty-nine position, with her on the bottom.

...

LAWD HAVE MERCY!!!

True or not. I don't care. This was the best story ever told. Hallelujah! Holy shit!

Read the rest of this excerpt here. I swear to God, you'll grizz your shorts.

EXPLOSIVE: FEMALE RADIO PERSONALITY WRITES ABOUT HER INTIMATE ENCOUNTER WITH LIL KIM (PARENTAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED)

That Sandwich Sucked Ass Again!

2008-03-03T17:15:00.000-05:00

God Dammit!

Vadim and I went to Wrongway (Subway) for lunch today. Jeff and RC were trying their gym-during-lunchtime thing, so it was just us.

I was excited about trying their pastrami sandwich for the first time. Yeah, throw some swiss cheese, mustard and pickles on there. make it like a real deli sandwich. And toast that bitch, too.

I sat down to eat my sandwich. I took one bite and ... Ecch! Pbbtt! Phooey! That shis was nasty. My God, it was like where there should have been flavor in the meat, there was nothing but more salt. Uccch! A huge fucking salt sandwich! I couldn't even eat half of that.

Just goes to show, if you want real deli, fucking go to Michael's. Fuck all that other shit.

Smoke Free (OK, for real this time)

2008-02-29T16:27:00.000-05:00

Yeah, so I haven't smoked in like a week. Not since Andy Kemp's farewell party. Mostly because I got sick with a cold right after that. I was coughing so hard I couldn't even think about cigarettes. Even when I got better (I'm still not completely well) The desire to smoke wasn't even there.

So I just simply made the decision to quit cold turkey. I know what everyone says, "Oh, it won't work. It'll fail. You can't quit cold turkey." Eat Me. Fuck You I can.

I haven't had a cigarette in a week now. So far, so good. Although it is tough. My body's not craving the smoke, but it is craving the nicotine. My brain is sending me messages while I'm driving like, "Shouldn't you be smoking? You mostly smoke when you drive." But my will to defy and resist even my own urges is strong. I'm having nic fits, but I'm replacing them with drinking water.

I still go out of the office with the smokers when they feel the need. Even though I'm not smoking. I can tolerate being around smoke. Most people it would make them want to smoke more. Not me. It's more of an endurance test. I go out just to get away from my desk for a while. My brain needs the break.

One thing I've noticed since I've stopped is my senses have become more acute. I can smell what my clothes really smelled like when I was smoking. Usually I'm pretty conscious of that. I try to keep the scent off of me to a degree, but sometimes it's pretty obvious. But now I can instantly tell when someone else has recently had a cigarette. I can go "He had one five minutes ago, and she had one ten." My father went through the same thing when he got out of the hospital this past summer. He lost the desire to smoke and when he stopped he realized what his clothes smelled like.

It's funny the lack of nicotine in my system has started to make me act weird(er). I'm walking around more silly and it's probably because I haven't had a smoke to mellow me out in a week.

Well, I don't know. We'll see how it goes. Wish me luck. Next thing you know, I'll be eating right and exercising.

Being Sick Fucking Sucks!

2008-02-27T15:19:00.002-05:00

So I thought I was just a little wrecked when I came in to work on Friday after being out until 3AM the previous night. I had some dehydration and a little nagging cough. I would speak to people and my voice would get more and more gravely. People thought, "Man, you must have tore it up last night. I can't believe you even bothered to show up today."
"That's right. And on a snow day, too...bitches!"

As the day went on, the cough got worse. By the time I left work, I couldn't speak anymore. My throat was that irritated. By the time I got home, I was horking up little chunks of hurl and lung butter. I'd sit on the couch and cough so hard I would gag. This was fun. Thank God I didn't have to go to work in the morning. I kept thinking I must have caught the West Nile Virus, or at least the West Conshy Virus.

Here it is Saturday, and I can't bring myself to get out of bed. I'm not weak or anything, I simply know that If I sit up and breathe, that I'm gonna cough. Fuck that. I'll sleep all day. I ain't got shit else to do.

So Saturday's gone. Now for the fucked up shit. The cold has moved from primarily my chest to my head. I'm still coughing, but now I've got all kinds of shit happening. I've got a killer headache at the base of my skull. Every orifice on my head is closed up. I'm got so much sinus pressure that my eyeballs hurt, and on top of it all, I've got a fever of like 110.

Too fatigued to cook and to dizzy to even stand, I spent most of Sunday hungry until my Mom came over and brought me some Chicken and Dumplings. Nothin like that momma love when you're sick. Oh, that shit made my day.

I could feel the fever just radiating off of me. Anywhere skin was touching skin I could feel the heat. My balls were like this mist-laden, tropical, Evil Jungle Penis, forest fire. I was in a constant sweat. I'm sure I smelled great.

I couldn't even sleep with the fever. I had two blankets and a fan. I felt like an old menopausal woman. I'm HOOOOOOOTTT!!! I'm COOOOOOLLLLDD!!! I'm HOOOOOOOTTT!!! I'm COOOOOOLLLLDD!!! Yeesh!

Monday I wasn't even trying to feel work. I was still horking up chunks of things that didn't belong in my body. Awesome.

I truly didn't realize how sick I was until I tried to go to the store and get some supplies. I dragged my ass to the Giant and loaded up on cough drops, decongestants, and antihistamines. I filled my cart with microwavable soups and Gatorade. ('Cause it's got lectro-lights) I was so dehydrated I nearly passed out three times in the store. I'm walking around and my lips are so dry, I look like I've been giving blowjobs to powdered donuts all day. I wanted to kill the little aggravating checkout boy, who didn't have any change in his drawer. Ordinarily I'd have leapt over the counter and strangled him AND his manager after I floated him a C-Note and he looked at me like he was stupid, but I was far too weak. I just wanted to get back home.

And for some reason, the sunlight made me nauseous. Or maybe it was the fact that I hadn't eaten anything solid in the last three days.

I somehow made it back home. And nearly passed out on the couch. I didn't even bother to put the food away. OK, so now I've made my journey out into the world and hopefully once I get a little food in me, I'll feel better.

I'm online IM'ing people at work because I'm starved for entertainment. Nothing on TV. I ended up watching a lot of Lifetime. THERE WAS NOTHING ELSE ON! I was so eff'ing bored. Anyway, I'm IM'ing Gina when I made the biggest dumbass move I've made in a while. Never eat saltines and drink orange juice after your lips have split from being dehydrated. BIG MISTAKE! Oh, that sucked so bad!

I was hoping that people would send me entertaining e-mails and stuff because I was sick. No such luck. I was so bored!

The meds I took were enough to kill a horse, but I was feeling shitty so I doubled up on them. Jeezus, Mucinex are big fucking pills! Could choke a bull moose with them sons o' bitches! They say take them with a full glass of water. No shit! Wouldn't want to risk one of thtem getting lodged in your esophagus on the way down. It's like trying to swallow a football every twelve hours!

Anyway, Monday was spent. Tuesday I was feeling much better, but still not quite 100%. I still had a nagging cough, but my body was just trying to get phlegm out of my left lung. It wasn't like a hacking anymore. I still wasn't going to work. I decided that today I wasn't going in to the office, but at least I could get some work done from home.

Well, it's Wednesday. I'm dragging my ass into work like a wounded dog. I still can't really speak, and I'm a phlegm machine. Oh well. One good thing about being sick. I must have lost 5 pounds in sweat alone. Another is I haven't even thought about a cigarette since last week.

Found in Parking Lot at 2560

2008-02-21T16:51:00.000-05:00

Found in Parking Lot at 2560:
One (1) used condom.
Magnum size.
Discarded in lot.

Please see Facilities Manager to claim.

Yeah. You read right. I'll be Gat Damned if I didn't find a used condom in the parking lot when I pulled in to work this morning. I setp out of my truck and BAM! There it is lying on the ground. Staring me in the face.

"Is that a ?...It damn sure is!!!"

And they bitched about the "sea of cigarette butts" in the parking lots at work. How about somebody do something to clean up this shit? If I track a cigarette butt on my shoe, that's not exactly end-of-the-world nasty. But a goddman used fucking condom? Eww Eww Eww!

What I wanna know is who's fucking in the YellowBook parking lot? What kind of mad parking lot sex does a yellow pages provider inspire?

"Unh... Ooooh... Say it, bitch!"
"Ohhh ... Yellow Book dot commmmm!!!"
"Business is off the charts!"

OK. Eww. I just grossed myself out with that one.

I'm debating whether or not to send something to facilities in response to their ludicrous flame e-mail about smoking. But I talked to HR and they said they have my back.

Dear Facilities,

Attached is photographic evidence of what I found in the parking lot today. You people have the nerve to complain about the highly dubious "sea of butts" in the parking lot. You've got to be fucking kidding me. Piss off, you hypocritical collection of contradictions.

xoxo
~~keller~~ Rob

So I got my very first MySpace groupie

2008-02-18T10:06:00.005-05:00

So I'm checking up on MySpace this weekend and I get a new friend request from someone I don't know. My first instinct is to Mark It As Spam. But sometimes I check out the profile to see if it's a real person or if it's the usual "Come see my pornographic pictures on another site" request.

Turns out it's some 15 14*-year old girl living somewhere in ~~California~~ Georgia**. Usually most friend requests that come from people I don't know and aren't spam are usually musicians that want to promote themselves through me or random people who find some interest in me, usually by finding a blog entry of mine. So I figured this girl was the latter.

So I added this girl because I figured, "What's the harm?" Whatever. It's one more friend. Most people on MySpace just collect friends. Most people they don't actually know, so whatever. I've seen people with 1,000 friends. I feel like a loser because I only have 70.

I see this girl post a couple of bulletins shortly after. One of which is the exact same survey that I forwarded on from ?uestLove, Songs In The Key Of Life (Childhood-Adulthood). I read it and most of the answers are the exact same as mine. HAH! I mean verbatim.

That's awesome! My very first MySpace groupie. Hahaha!

It's awesome to know that I'm corrupting 15 14*-year old minds in small towns in ~~California~~ Georgia**.

So come on and be my friend because I'm a loser and I need the attention. Hahaha!

RETRACTIONS:
*-OK, so she was 14, not 15. Woot. ;)
**-And she was from Covington, Georgia not California. Easy mistake to make when you're drunk; CA for GA. Hah!

Flirting has its benefits

2008-02-12T11:44:00.000-05:00

So I was buying some new clothes last night at the Casual Male XL. I'm just looking around. I usually know what I want.

In walk these three South Philly Guidos. Three loud, fat, sloppy-looking bastards. They come blustering in the door like, "Yo, I heard you gots dem underwears for us!" They were loud, rude, ignorant, and obnoxious. They wandered around the store like they had never been in a Big & Tall store, much less a Men's Store before. I could smell the cheesesteaks seeping through their pores.

They would drop little gems, like, "Yeah, we needs to get summadem thermal underwears. We're freezing our asses off. I'm gonna put summa dese on right now. I need some underwears on." and "Do yous gots summadem diuretic socks?"
"Look at these ties they made for us!"

They kept trying to finagle coupons and discounts out of the clerk.
"They mailed me a coupon, so it should be in the system"
    "Sir, you have to bring in the coupon so I can honor it. I can't do anything if you don't bring it in."
"Well, it should be 75% off. The sign out front says You gots 75% off on things."
    "Yes sir, the things marked as 75% off have tickets stating so."

So I'm politely waiting for these guys to leave so I can make my purchases. The entire time I'm laughing my ass off quietly at how ignorant these guys are.

Anyway, Once these guys leave, I make my way to the register. As I'm ringing out, I start flirting with the clerk that was working. You know, my little charming act. You know me, smooth as hell. ;-)
"Will there be anything else today, sir?"
    "Actually, I was looking at these patent leather loafers over here. I was wondering if you had them in a size 11?"
"Oh, you like these? These are nice. Let me look in the back for you."
...
"Well, I'm afraid I don't, but I do have these other loafers in an 11."
    "Well, I really liked these patent leather ones."
"Oh, you like the patent leather, huh? Yeah I like the shiny, too."
    "Yeah, well, you know. I got to keep it shinin'"

Oh, she was eating it up.

"Yeah, you have good taste."
    "Well, I know what I like."
"I can tell by your purchases, you know how to dress. And you're not afraid of a little splash of color."
    "Yeah, I can put a little something together."
"Ooh, and look at these pants and this belt. You really know what's good."
    "Yeah, I've been looking for a grommet belt for a while. You know what would really be fly, is if you guys had a pyramid studded belt."
"Well, let me know what you'd like, and I'll tell my manager. We'll see what we can do about getting that in for you."

We also spent a little time laughing at those Guidos who just left.

"Did you see how they were trying to get over on me?."
    "Yeah, I saw that."
"I can't do anything about the prices marked."
    "I know, they just can't read."
"Let me see if I can hook you up with a couple of 'specials'."
    "Bet."
...
    "So what's your name?"
"Oh, my name's ******"
    "It was good to meet you."
"Oh, I hope you come back soon. I'll be here all week. Let me carry those bags for you."

Now she could have just let me pay full price for my purchases, seeing as she was a little aggravated it how those Guidos were trying to squeeze out nonexistent discounts for ultimately $50 worth of underwear. But because I was flirting with her, engaging her like a person not a clerk, she hooked me up with five $50 shirts for $19.99 each. That's a hookup.

So what did we learn from this?

A little flirting, a little nicety goes a long way. People in the retail and service industries are typically treated like tools; even nuisances. They are ignored or mistreated by the impatient masses. They appreciate it so much. I had no interest in this girl. And I certainly wasn't trying to pick someone up in the Casual Male XL. But look at how the Guidos treated her. Rude, crass, ignorant. She just wanted to get them out of the store as fast as she could. Now me, a little flirting and she was hooking me up left and right, even carried my bags out the store. Look at the mileage I got from it. That certainly wasn't my intent, either. I was simply being myself, who is a nice engaging guy to talk to.

The next time you're in a restaurant, or in a retail store, show some kindness. Talk to the person who's taking care of you. See what a difference treating someone like a person makes. They will bend over backwards to make you satisfied. My mother is the exact same way. She makes friends everywhere she goes out of the wait staff or salespeople. Because of that, they remember her everywhere she goes and they go out of their way to ensure she's taken care of.

DISCLAIMER:
I make no aspersions on the Italian people as a whole. Italians are a rich beautiful people with a deep cultural heritage.
I do not think of all Italians in the way described in this post, nor do I casually use the term 'Guido'.
In fact, some of my favorite people are Italian. Gina, you know I love ya :)
The slobs in this particular case were truly deserving of the term, 'Guido'.
Please don't hold that against me, but rather against those three guys that could embarrass an entire race of people.
    - Read, the Management

How's this for inconspicuous?

2008-01-31T19:58:00.000-05:00

My girl Des hipped me to this last night.

Evidently the latest trend in body art is Blacklight Tattoos. Tats are barely visible in ordinary light, but hit the club and bam! Under UV blacklight the tats glow in the dark. That's so effing cool!

LATEST BODY ART TREND: 'INVISIBLE' TATTOOS

Doing things is what we like to do...Yes!

2008-01-31T18:26:00.000-05:00

God this commercial is imbecilic. Yet another in a long line of TV commercials that proves only one thing...America actually is as stupid as it looks.

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShWp1IbRKQE" target="dunkincommercial"></a>

It seems like the latest trend in advertising is to produce the most asinine commercials possible. This can be seen in the broad variety of commercials that are prevalent today. Just turn on your TV and flip to any channel and I bet you will come across any number of these commercials. There's something to be said for the basic principle of advertising, AIDA (attract, interest, desire, action), but come on. Why stupid? If anything, it will Annoy, Irritate, Disgust, and Avert.

TV commercials for the past few years have become increasingly stupid. Do you remember the Quizno's commercials with the two singing rats (a.k.a. sponge monkeys)? Did that really make you want to buy a sandwich? Did that even amuse you a little bit? No. It made people want to vomit so much that Quizno's lost business and was forced to pull the spots due to increasing complaint.

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZrks-BPeLQ" target="quiznos"></a>

It's like advertising companies aren't even trying anymore. They're just taking money to produce commercials that a first-grader could (and probably did) come up with. "Hey, my son Josh cam up with a great campaign for your product last night after he took a poopie like a big boy" Is it only going to get worse from here?

Remember the HeadOn Apply directly to forehead spots? Where they would chain the same irritating commercial together three times in a row? And then the had the balls to produce yet another SERIES of commercials where people would interrupt the commercial and spout off how much they couldn't stand the commercial, but loved the product! What balls!

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_SwD7RveNE" target="headon"></a>

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0HAmqYTJqo" target="headon"></a>

Please tell me that this trend will stop sometime soon.

Quizno's spokes-rats grab attention
Your Most Irritating TV Commercial?
What is the most irritating television commercial that you've ever seen?

Where You At? What You Is?!?!

2008-01-30T21:50:00.000-05:00

I know this has been out for a long while, but I just felt that I had to comment on it. Have you seen that new Boost Mobile commercial?

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1PLvuwKRBj4" target="youtube"></a>

I'm not mad at all about Jermaine Dupri or Young Jeezy in the song. They're alright. Not nearly as hot a track as the first one with Kanye West, Ludacris, and The Game, though. I actually downloaded that and played it constantly. I memorized the lyrics. I even learned how to play it on the bass. The track was hot. This one's kinda weak and commercial, but ... it's a commercial.

Anyway ... What the hell is that skinny transgendered-looking white dude(?) that thinks he can rap at the end of the commercial? It's no wonder this thing only got 2 lines. Whatever the hell it is, it spits out two lines of the weakest, second grade shit I've ever heard. Who the fuck are you and why did you think that was appealing? Who's dick did you suck at Boost Mobile to get in this commercial? I mean seriously.

I'm that dude that got whatchya need.
Eyes on the prize. Pickin' Up speed

I'm not sure, but I think dude(?)'s got a perm, makeup, hip-hugger jeans, platforms, and has midriff showing. He couldn't be more feminine if he were actually a woman. Who actually thought that this would sell phones? It's another in a long line of stupid-ass advertising ploys that they believe that America will swallow like tripe. And sure enough, we do.

Come to find out that's Mickey Avalon. Dude, your shit is weak. What the fuck? I'm that dude that got whatchya need? I'm glad I don't need flow. Maybe I need hormone therapy.

You know, I had ONE track from this dude, Jane Fonda. I downloaded it because I thought it was pleasant and the little club rat kids seem to like it. But after seeing and hearing this dude(?), I assure you there will not be more.

Yet another reason why MySpace Sucks and Facebook Rules

2008-01-26T11:45:00.000-05:00

Just the simple fact that the blogs in MySpace can't be cross-posted or imported.

If I write a blog post on this site, I can let Facebook import my XML Feed and blammo, instant cross-post into their Notes feature.

With MySpace, I literally have to manually copy and paste every blog post I write and re-post it in MySpace. For someone who posts regularly, this is an incredible pain in the ass. On top of that, MySpace's wysiwyg editor is complete crap. If I post markup that for example, has a <table> tag in it, MySpace thinks they're clever and scrubs it out and replaces it with bad markup. Their scrubbed markup is not even close to XHTML-compliant (or even HTML-compliant), so I'm limited in what I can actually post to MySpace.

Saw this and thought it was awesome

2008-01-26T11:08:00.000-05:00

To all my tech geek friends, you should find this hilarious.

I was surfing the web and stubled across this image of a dude who has HTML markup tatooed on the back of his neck. More specifically, a closing </head> tag, followed by an opening <body> tag.

To quote Desirea, awesome. :)

You ever take a poop so big it made you hungry?

2008-01-26T10:15:00.000-05:00

That'll teach me to eat 4 Cheddar-Wurst for dinner at 11 at night.

What the fuck is Bronco Berry Sauce?

2008-01-23T22:40:00.000-05:00

Went to Arby's tonight, because dad gave me coupons. Tried their new cheesecake bites. Awesome.

Hot little cheesecake nuggets with a raspberry dipping sauce. Schweet. Although...

I looked in my bag and there was a little tub of some sauce called Bronco Berry Sauce. I read the fine print on the label which mentioned high fructose corn syrup, red peppers, jalapenos and garlic. Something didn't sound right. Berries and peppers?

I have to admit I was curious. I cracked the seal on it and the smell was just fucking horrendous! God damn, that shit was awful. Of all the smells I could have expected when combining those two particular flavors, that was just fucking wrong! I put a tiny dab on my tongue and it was just as bad as I expected. Eww, eww, eww! I actually started to gag from the taste.

Whose fucking idea was this? What planet did you come from where you might have thought this marriage made in hell would have tasted good. Come to find out that Arby's has even more revolting demonically-inspired sauce flavors launching, like Peachapeno. What the fuck is a Peachapeno?

That shit ain't right.

Damn, I ain't blogged in like a minute.

2008-01-13T11:39:00.000-05:00

Y'all aint even heard from my ass in the 08.

I been busy as a sumummabitch through the New Year. Working on the new release of YellowBook.com, but I promise I've got posts in the queue, ready to back date.

So stay tuned, campers. There's a whole bunch coming.