Frank Caliendo's Impressions Suck
OK, it's time somebody said something. I can't take it anymore.  Frank Caliendo should have stuck with MADtv. God almighty. I've had enough of him. I thought his John Madden impression was great. In fact no one did it better. That was his trademark. His signature. He was the 'Madden' guy. Fox Sports picked him up to do that impression for Sunday games which was awesome. Frank then decided to expand his repertoire. He did a great Dubya impression. in fact one of the better ones I've seen. But quite honestly, he was too fat to portray the Prez. This is the point where he should have stopped and faded away into obscurity. TBS decided to pick him and his impressions up for a few specials and a series...of nothing but sketches of him doing his impressions. Hold up. Stop right there. OK, he's good at one or two, but he's really stepping outside his ability. He added a few new ones that were not bad when they weren't totally generic like Robert DeNiro & Dr. Phil. FrankTV was a colossal bust and yet, TBS insists that they are "very funny" More like "higly dubious" But honestly, you cant build a sketch comedy show on one man's impressions alone. There simply isn't enough material. Mostly his impressions all started to run together. When you can figure out exactly who it is he's trying to impersonate, you realize that all of his impressions sound the exact same. The culmination of this genericism was when I saw a Dish Network commercial with him talking to himself as Charles Barkley (or so we're meant to believe). That impression sounded so mealy and generic and phoned in. At first, I genuinely couldn't tell who it was supposed to be. I thought with the makeup, maybe it could be the Round Mound of Rebound, but it just didn't sound like him. I've met Charles Barkley. I know his Alabama drawl. It doesn't sound anything like that. In fact, I think that impression was a little condescending. If it wasn't meant to be poking fun at him, I think Sir Charles should be a little offended. (Not that I'm defending Charles Barkley at all. I still think he's an ass.) <![CDATA[<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2HWqM_gWEo" target="frankcaliendoyoutube"><img src="http://www.waldoland.com/images/blogimages/frankcaliendodishnetwork.jpg" alt="Frank Caliendo Dish Network Commercial 2"></a>]]>Nowadays, every time I see Frank Caliendo doing an impression, I'm like, "Yeah, ok. It's you. Ha ha. We get it. Whatever. <Click>" :| Just give up. Go away. Labels: Advertising, Comedy, TV
Sexual Chocolate!
You know, I have been watching Coming To America lately. It's been on cable a few times in the last week. I had forgotten how truly funny that movie actually is. Certainly I pick up on a lot more humor than I did when I first saw it when I was 8. That shit's got some great scenes in it. Like the one featuring Randy Watson & Sexual Chocolate. <![CDATA[<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoS8j9eNMZU" target="sexualchocolate"><img src="http://www.waldoland.com/images/blogimages/sexualchocolate.jpg" /></a>]]>Every time I leave a group of people, that's how I'm going to do it. I know my Uncle Wayne already does it, but that's way too funny for him to keep all for himself. I know the white people at work won't get it, but that's half the fun. :)  Wow, the girl that played Lisa in it, Shari Headley, my god what a stunningly gorgeous woman. Oh, my god she is beautiful. Why haven't we seen more of her? I just looked her up on IMDB. It looks like she's done a lot of one-times on TV episodes here and there over the years. And a lot of Soaps. Stuff I don't admit I watch. I don't understand why she didn't do more feature films. As beautiful as she is, she could have been a great star. Hehe, and Eriq LaSalle. Forever playing a prick. At least in ER, he's a magnanimous prick. Labels: Comedy, Fun, Hot Bitches, Movies
Saw this and thought it was awesome
 To all my tech geek friends, you should find this hilarious. I was surfing the web and stubled across this image of a dude who has HTML markup tatooed on the back of his neck. More specifically, a closing </head> tag, followed by an opening <body> tag. To quote Desirea, awesome. :) Labels: Comedy, Geekdom, Tattoos, Technology, Web Development
Johnny Knoxville has a Wawa tattoo
 That's so awesome. I was watching Jackass: Number Two and I saw that Johnny Knoxville has a Wawa logo tattooed on his upper left arm. Truly a testament to how awesome Wawas are. My guess would be that Bam Margera and his crew had some influence over that, since we know that Knoxville's not exactly from 'round here. I think it's especially awesome because I worked for Wawa for two years. It just makes me happy that I've touched him in an indirect way. :) Labels: Comedy, Movies, Pop Culture, Tattoos
DONG!!!
I love a good donging! Let's be clear. A donging has nothing to do with any kind of he-bitch man sex. A donging is when you're watching a movie, usually comedy or action, and a character gets smacked in the head area with a large, usually metallic, object which makes a great sound. DONG! e.g. - Frying pan to the back of the skull. I love that shit! Cartoon violence. It's the greatest. Especially when it's really unexpected. If you can see it coming, it loses a lot of its value. Labels: Comedy, Fun, Movies, TV
Two Jawns, One Ugghhhh!
Yo, you know the clip. It's been passed around the internet like an elephant leg at a Reggae festival. Two girls, one cup. I personally don't ever want to see it. That shit's just revolting. But ?uestLove from The Roots has seen it. So has the rest of The Roots crew. ?uest videotaped their initial viewing of it and threw it up on his MySpace page. Yo for real, that's the funniest shit I've seen in like a minute. Labels: Comedy, Videos
Manswers: How Do You Take a Stripper Home?
I DVR'ed an episode of Manswers on Spike the other night. It came on at midnight and I was too tired to stay up and watch it. It had one segment that kind of piqued my interest. How Do You Take a Stripper Home?. Hmmm. I wonder what that's like? I wonder if they had any advice that paralleled my own experience with strippers. Well, I watched it last night and here is the outcome. Let's compare it to real life. - Go on the slow nights. Your goal is to become a regular.
Yeah. I'll buy into that one. On a busy night, you're just another face in the crowd. On a slow night, you're more likely to get noticed. Although you run the risk of appearing like (and becoming) that lonely perv that's in the club every night, a.k.a. a stalker. - The first place you don't sit is the stage. Post up at the bar like it's a regular bar. The one way you're gonna get a stripper's attention is by really not giving her a ton of attention.
I don't agree with this one. In a lot of local joints the stage is the bar so you can't avoid it. In the bigger places, only the bartender will notice you at the bar. Although the reasoning behind this one is more sound than the actual method. Giving a stripper ALL your attention is deadly. They will have you hooked. You will become addicted and they will run you dry. Once she has you hooked, she will know it and all you become to her is a money source. Once that happens, Game over. Now there is something to be said about playing hard to get. Feigning interest. Don't overdo it. Strippers can smell bullshit like a fart in a car. - Bring a chick with you. Any time a girl is around another girl, there's always a little bit of competition.
I don't know about this one. Yes, it's true about the competition, but that's all women. First, where are you going to find a straight chick who will go to a strip club with you? Second, if you do find one, why aren't you banging her? Third, in my experience a stripper is more exited at the prospect of giving another chick a lapdance than you. They see horny guys all day. This move will not work to your advantage. - Don't tip the strippers. Strippers are in it for one thing: money. The moment that money changes hands, you're a source of income. You'll never be seen as anything else.
That's partially true. Don't show your roll. Break out a few singles at a time. If a stripper sees that your money is long, then it's all said and done. Not tipping a stripper can lead to venomous consequences. In a big place like Delilah's, where a stripper can clear hundreds a night, they won't miss your couple dollars. In a dive joint, the strippers there are working hard for the money, so every dollar counts. Snubbing a stripper in these places will actually get you the opposite result. Bring enough money to make sure every stripper that comes around for a tip get some money. It's just respectful. If there's one that actually interests you, make it a point to have her come over to you to get a little something extra. She'll then start to recognize you and begin to engage you. Yes, it's to get more money from you, but it gets your foot in the door. This is your opportunity to start chatting her up. - Throw a party. Girls love to party, and these girls love to party.
Yes, they do. All of them love to get lit. This is not a guarantee of anything, though. Don't think you're like the guy in the clip and just say, "Oh, I'm having a party," and walk out the door with them. Strippers are not likely to leave the club with you. If you're going to party with strippers, make an announcement. Set a date. Make an event out of it. Invite a few of them for a little fun. Don't be the only one there. You're more likely to end up with a stripper if you see her outside the club, than in. So the objective here is to get them to willingly interact with you outside the club. So a party is a good way to do it. Your friends will have fun, they will have fun, and most importantly, you will have fun.
Anyway, it doesn't seem like Spike has the ultimate answer to picking up strippers. It seems no one does. Ultimately, strippers are people, too. They have needs and wants just like the rest of us ... only adjusted. Contrary to what one might think, strippers are usually very sexually repressed. Either from some sexual trauma, or the fact that they grind in guys' laps all day. The likelihood is that they won't go home with you for a one night stand, though it does happen. The more you can see them outside the club, the more likely they are to see you as someone they might continue to see outside the club. My couple of tips should help to keep your game strong and continue to keep your money long. Just so I can say I warned you, just be aware, you are taking a stripper home (or attempting, anyway). If you're the jealous type, this is not an adventure for you. You have to deal with strippers giving sexual attention to another guy. Also nearly every last one of them is crazy in some way (or many ways). Other links: Labels: Bars, Comedy, Hot Bitches, Life, Night life, Strip clubs, TV
Banned!
Summummabitch! As some of you know, I've been scouring content from the web to make my MP3 collection pages more SEO friendly. So of course with my huge collection of songs it would take until the end of the next millennium to gather reviews, artist bios, and lyrics manually. Naturally, I built a tool. Now of course, my tool has to be as unnecessarily sophisticated as it can be, which means I'm doing major website scraping, multithreading, thread pumping and dynamic throttling. I ran my tool for every artist/album/track in my collenction against AMG and other sites. Over 30,000 website hits in a matter of a few hours. Collected everything I could. Sweet. Of course as I'm reviewing my results, I realize there's a major bug in my screen scraping routine. D'oh! I go to run my tool again, and suddenly, I get no results. I check my search result manually and this is the message I get any time I do a search on AMG from my home laptop: Through traffic monitoring of our websites we have identified your IP address accessing allmusic.com at a rate and speed inconsistent with the noncommercial and personal use permitted by our site's Terms of Service. As a result, further access to allmusic.com has been denied. Because IP addresses can be shared by numerous users, your access may be being denied based on the aggregate use of your IP address rather than your own individual use. To ensure that this is not the case, simply create your own individual user account by becoming a Registered Member of allmusic. [Click on the “Register†button in the upper right hand corner of the home page.] Once you’ve become a Registered Member and are logged in, you will once again have full access to allmusic, and will continue to have access, as long as your usage remains consistent with our Terms of Service. If you are already a Registered Member of allmusic, simply ensure that you are logged in when you use the site. Thank you. - xxx.xxx.xxx.xxx Dammit! Though technically, it is for personal use, I suppose I could see how after reviewing their logs they could interpret my usage as a Denial of Service attack. Come on, what If I were a search engine spider? Hehe. I just thought that was way too fuckin' funny! Now of course, you know me. I'm not going to let this stop me, but this was great! Hah! Labels: ASP.Net, Comedy, Programming, Technology, VB.Net, Web Development
The Boondocks Returns
 The Boondocks is back on Adult Swim and is as good as ever. My man Huey is still the young revolutionary. Striving to destroy the system from within. Huey is everything I was when I was 16. Hyperintelligent with an afro and generally disenchanted with everything around him. Granddad is still an old coot. Who reminds me very much of my own father. Riley is still the flaming ghetto id. I always thought The Boondocks was the best shit for black people on television. It crosses so many lines without being totally damaging to the perception of black folks in America. Instead, it highlights our flaws and shows them for just what they are...flaws. Just like everyone else has. Rather than glorifying our flaws like most other shuckin' and jivin'-ass black television shows today, Boondocks takes a rye look at them and states the need for change, or at least change of perception. You know, the fact that they will drop the "N-Bomb" at least a dozen times per episode doesn't even bother me. It's so revolutionary. It's just what the industry needs. Also the fact that it makes white people cringe because they know that only we could get away with it, makes me smile. Thank you Aaron McGruder Webster defines the "nigga moment" as a moment when ignorance overwhelms the mind of an otherwise logical Negro male. Causing him to act in an illogical, self-destructive manner... i.e. like a nigga.
If Nigga Moments had their own category, Nigga Moments would be the third leading killer of black men behind pork chops and F.E.M.A. It's a fact. The following is the definitive list of the top ten killers of black men, according to the Bob Mayo Clinic: - F.E.M.A.
- Pork chops
- Nigga Moments
- HIV/AIDS
- L.A.P.D.
- N.Y.P.D.
- The 'Itis
- Bitches
- Malt Liquor
- White People
Oddly enough, Tonight's episode of The Boondocks made a scary parallel to my life. A Pimp Named Slickback states the following: "Your friends have reason to believe that you are suffering from Chronic Bitch Dependency. Bitch dependency is no laughing matter. Addiction to a bitch can fuck with your friends, your health, and scary enough, even your money. It's a disease, Tom."
"Did you know that scientists believe that some people are born with a genetic predisposition to bitch dependency?" Sound familiar? Labels: Comedy, Life, Society, TV
OK, so I've been home watching a lot of TV lately. (Gosh, I wonder why) There's a show that I just can't get enough of, Hell DateHell Date is a TV dating/reality/prank show that comes on BET. The premise is that a person goes on a date, under the auspices that they are on a reality dating show. The production crew will follow the young couple around with cameras to various date locales. The twist is that one of the people on the date is an actor working on the show. The actor's job is to make the date as miserable as possible for the other person. The other person has no idea that they're on the date from hell! OK, so this is not my typical fare. Ordinarily, I never watch reality TV, in particular dating shows, but this one is just too good. Hellish dates include the unsuspecting brotha that goes on a date with a pre-op trannie. At first they're kickin' it. Vibin', you know. In the car ride to their first locale, they're getting to know each other. She lets him know that she's just getting back into the dating game after a while, after recuperating from some health issues. One of the locales on their date was a ranch, taking horseback riding lessons. As both of them mount their horses, the dude was fine, but the sista was complaining that the saddle was hurting her <<stuff>>. The dude was starting to grow suspicious. Why would a woman be hurting there? The next locale was a wig shop. They were both fooling around trying on wigs. The girl starts mentioning that this is how she really wants to look. While trying on a wig in the mirror, she begins to chant to herself, "I am beautiful...I am pretty." The brotha grows more suspicious. Finally they are having a drink at a club. The girl mentions how much she likes his goatee and how she never could grow one, as much as she wanted to. She invites him to dance and he declines, stating he's not ready to dance right now. Finally, the brotha senses there's something amiss with her and tries to let her down easy. "I think maybe I would rather have you as a friend." Oh, that's when she went off! She started cussing him out and showing him her suspiciously growing bulge under her dress. "How you just gonna disrespect me!?! This ain't gonna be a problem! In another two months it won't even be there! You ain't gotta make no thing about it! Look at it!" When the brotha can't take no more, a midget in a devil suit comes out to tell him he's been on Hell Date. This sista wasn't really a trannie, but the dude didn't know that. Just watching his expressions change when she would say certain things was comedy enough. To add more levity, they had a confessional where he would reveal his concerns. Another great hell date was another unsuspecting brotha who met up with this kinda quiet, shy, but cute girl. He picked her up at her apartment. She invited him in for a drink before they went out to a club. Again, they're vibin' getting to know each other. After a little while, she says that she's going to go change and they'll leave. A couple of minutes later, she comes out and quietly mentions that she has something for him. Kind of a surprise. He turns around an holy shit! She's got on a latex dominatrix outfit and a whip! She goes from Dr. Jekyll to Mrs. Hyde. She's barking commands at him and cracking the whip. This dude is freaking the fuck out! Whoo! Now see me, I would have been into it. That probably would have thrown her off her game. I'd have been all smooth with the shit. Oh, hell yes! But that's just me. More dates from hell include the dude that gets just a little overly possessive on a first date. "You my woman now." Another is a dude that has a family emergency and has to pick up his retarded little (26-year old) brother and watch him on their date. The one that really got me watching was this one. An unsuspecting brotha meets this fly ass girl. She gets this family emergency phone call and has to pick up her daughter from day care. The dude's face is a little disappointed because not only does she have a kid, but their date is interrupted because her ex-husband can't watch her. So they got to pick up her child. The kid is this pretty little girl who unbeknown to this dude is a child actor. The kid starts asking questions like, "Don't you think we look a lot alike? Is it alright if I call you Daddy?" Just watching this dude sweat was HILARIOUS! So check out Hell Date on BET. It comes on weekday @ 12:30 in the afternoon. I don't know when else it comes on, but catch it when you can. It's great! Labels: Comedy, Dating, Night life, TV
My Bar Tab is $525.50
This is fun to do. It was just passed around MySpace. Just read the "offense" and if you've done it, you owe that fine. Keep going until you've read each "offense" and added up your total fine. Title your bulletin "My Bar Tab is $........" You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine. Smoked pot -- $10Fo' shizzle, my nizzle. The stickiest of the icky, baby.Did acid -- $5Only once in Valley Forge Park. I swear I thought that bear was talking to me. He had some profound shit to say.Ever had sex at church -- $25Um, No. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Go directly to hell.Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40One day I'll tell you about the time I woke up in Voorhies, NJ.Had sex with someone on My Space -- $25Have never gotten the MySpace lay.Had sex for money -- $100Sadly I'm not a whore. Oh, who am I kidding? If you've got the money, honey...Ever had sex with the a Puerto Rican -- $20She was half Puerto Rican. Does that count? Do I only add $10?Vandalized something -- $20You know how it says 'AEON' on that overpass on 202 N around Devon? Yet, despite what people think, I was NOT the one tagging BPT all over town and I did NOT spray paint "Kiss my Black Ass!" on the side of the High School building.Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10Ewww! No.Beat up someone -- $20Stomped the ever-lovin monkey shit out of someone.Been jumped -- $10Been jumped for so many reasons. Mistaken identity, random drunken beating...Crossed dressed -- $10Hey, it was powder puff football. Everybody did it. The football team, the cheerleaders, and the marching band. ;-)Given money to stripper -- $25Everything I had and more. Damn you.Been in love with a stripper -- $20Yeah. What was I thinking?Kissed some one who's name you didn't know --$10Yeah that's happened. ...And what's your name?Hit on someone of the same sex while at work-- $15Sorry, don't swing that way. Whether it's at work or not.Ever drive drunk -- $20Not too drunk. Sure after I've had a few, I've noticed my judgement's impaired. I'm a little more careful. Never pissy drunk, though.Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50Used to do that every Friday. Still would If I still worked there.Used toys while having sex -- $30No ass clowns, please.Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20I refer back to the Voorhies, NJ story.Went skinny dipping -- $5Nah, no pools (at the time)Had sex in a pool -- $20Splish splash, baby. ;-)Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10Alright once, but only to mess with his mind. Yecch!Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20HEEEELLLLLLLs NO!Cheated on your significant other -- $10I never cheat.Masturbated -- $10Come on. I'm masturbating right now.Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend --$20Again, I've never cheated.Done oral -- $5I eat pussy with chopsticks.Got oral -- $5Hells yes.Done / got oral in a car while it was moving -- $25Wow. That would be hard to give oral in a moving car. Unless it wasn't the driver.Stole something -- $10I used to be a master thief. Only ever got caught a handful of times. And on the stupidest stuff, though. $150 fine for a bottle of Yoohoo.Had sex with someone in jail -- $25No man-bitch prison he-sex. I hear there's no cuddling after. Just a lot of tears.Made a nasty home video -- $15Never got freaky with a camera.Had a threesome -- $50In my youth.Had sex in the wild -- $20The wild? I guess Valley Forge Park counts. With the deer onlooking.Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25Sadly, yes.Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $20Damn straight.Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20No Mrs. Robinsons in my past.Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25No Woody Allen moments, either.Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50I'm pretty monagymousSaid you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25Yes. See above (stripper). Also didn't say I loved someone when I did.Went streaking -- $5I don't think you're ready for this jelly.Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15Never exactly had that particular urge.Been arrested -- $5Yes, fuckers.Spent time in jail -- $15Yes. Jail is not prison. There IS a difference.Peed in the pool -- $0.50Welcome to our OOL. You'll notice that there is no 'P' in it. Please keep it that way.Played spin the bottle -- $5I remember the first time I played that. In the parking lot behing the Denny's in King of Prussia. I got to kiss Kelly Blaugh. Damn she was hot. Fuck I'm a good kisser. Made my millennium.Done something you regret -- $20Falling in love with a stripper.Had sex with your best friend -- $20An interesting quandary. I think your lover should be your best friend. So yes.Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $25Never dip my pen in the company ink. Thought about it. But never did it.Had anal sex -- $80NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!Lied to your mate -- $5Only the standard little lies. You know. No, that dress doesn't make you look fat.Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25It's never bad! (That's not necessarily true)O. K , now tally up your answers, then, click forward to send to the all of the people you want to take the test...... In the subject of you forward put your "My Bar Tab Is... (your total) Now send to all your friends and back to the person who sent it to you. Labels: Blogging, Comedy, Games, Hot Bitches, MySpace, Strip clubs
So, do you have a MySpace page or something?
It just makes me laugh sometimes how technology is so well integrated into popular culture today. I was watching TV the other day and the commercial for the new episode of Psych on USA, featuring Lou Diamond Phillips came on. He just blythely leans in to someone and says, "So, do you have a MySpace page or something?" Has MySpace become the new substitute for getting digits? Did I miss this memo? Phenomenons like MySpace and Friendster and blogging in general have become so pervasive to modern society. So prolific that it's difficult to imagine a kid surviving without the ability to text his buddy in the next room. Have I gotten so old that I think all of this is just silly? Oh, yeah. BTW - Check out MY MySpace pageLabels: Comedy, Pop Culture, Rants, Society, Technology, TV
Yo, this clip is too funny! My uncle sent it to me. Check it out. Labels: Comedy, Music, Videos
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