I've been eating nothing but salads this week for dinner. I'm actually alright with that.

I go to my local Giant every night on my way home and make myself a little salad from the salad bar. I start with a bed of Romaine lettuce. Top it with a pile of shredded carrots. Then top the carrots with some shredded cheese. Very colorful in its simplicity. I swing around to the other side of the bar and grab some Fajita chicken strips. Maybe a pinch of real bacon bits for garnish and color. Top it all off with a light splash of Thousand Island dressing and, voila! We have salad.

Once my salad is made, I go over to the beverage aisle and pick up a bottled water or a tea or something like. That. Not because it's any healthier than anything else. Just because I like it. Now that I've got dinner and a beverage, I'm out.

This has been perfect for me. Not only is it better for me than the shit that I usually end up eating for dinner, but it's very cheap (only like $3-4), and it's surprisingly enough food to satisfy me up and keep me filled. The chicken is enough protein to keep my carnivorous bloodlust at bay. The lettuce and carrots are just enough filler to keep me full and not attempt to go out and find dinner #2 like a damn Hobbit. (I know, LOTR reference. I don't even like those movies. Shoot me now). There are enough components in my salad that I like that outweigh my argument for not eating salad in the first place; which is there are too many things I don't like.

I usually don't eat salads because of the three primary ingredients, lettuce, tomato, and onion, I despise two of them and merely tolerate the third. I can't stand a raw tomato. Not on anything. Not ever. No hoagies, not zeps, no salads, no nothing. If they're there, I pick them out or off. It's something about the consistency of a cold squishy tomato. I don't like that slimy, pulpy feeling. They even taste different than a cooked tomato. Now a cooked tomato. I'll eat a cooked tomato in nearly anything. Tomato soup (my favorite meal), Tomato sauce, Tomato paste, Salsa (Yes, with the exception of Pico De Gallo, salsa uses cooked tomatoes), Chili (stewed tomatoes), Pizza sauce, etc. Nearly anything. I even put diced tomatoes into most of my own culinary delights. I feel the same way about onions. Raw: eccchh!!! I can stand that acidic, acerbic crunch. God they taste just as bad as they smell. P-U! But a cooked onion. Especially sauteed. A little caramelized. Ooh, baby. I could eat them bitches by themselves. Some dishes I make, like a good steak for example, start with some frozen onions that I sautee in butter with some button mushrooms. Oh, god I just want to eat that part before the steak is even done.

Anyway...

You might be asking yourself why I've been eating like this. A couple of reasons, actually. First, the 15 pounds I lost in the last month, I found them. They were orbiting my ass. So that was a big shock to my system. Plus I've seen the pattern of what, or more importantly how much, I've been eating and it's not good. I've also gotten lazy about lifting in the morning, and noticed that my arms have turned into jelly. So I'm trying to eat better this week because I know I'm going to eat like shit (or at least drink like a fish) both Thursday and Friday of this week. I'm trying to preemptively counter-balance that. I've also gotten back on the stick with lifting in the mornings now. Plus, even though I'm not doing a weight-loss bet with a coworker like we planned, then cancelled, I'm still tryin to lose as if we were. So I figure, let's keep it pushin'. After all, that was my motto for the New Year.

The salads are ok with me. I could probably still eat them for another good while. They're tasty enough not to bore me for a little bit. In a week, who knows? It's just funny. Me eating salad with no prompting. This from they guy who cosigned on, "Why ruin a perfectly good barbecue with salad?" The guy who usually says, "Skip the rabbit food." Who'd a thunk it? My mother thinks there's something going on, like I found a new woman and I'm trying to slim down for her. That's just how she thinks. I should be so lucky. :)

Labels: Fitness, Food, Health

Have you seen the commercials for Nutrisystem with Jillian Barberie?

They say she lost 41 pounds. Did you hear me, butterfly? 41 pounds!!! When was she EVER that big? Don't you think we would have noticed that shit (and complained about it) by now? As much as she's on TV? Come on.

Did you see that photoshopped-ass before picture? There's no frikkin' way She could have snuck and got that big. Who are you trying to bullshit? Maybe you lost 41 pounds in your tits!


Even better is the one with Larry The Cable Guy. "I lost 50 pounds with Nutrisystem" I got news for ya, Larr. Yer still a fatshit.


Who says there's no truth in advertising?

Labels: Advertising, Fitness, Health, Hot Bitches, Rants, TV

I was out last night at the Fox And Hound for an impromptu happy hour. I just didn't feel right drinking and not smoking. Almost two weeks without one and I caved. Like a schlep I bummed cigarettes off of everyone there. I must have had at least six last night. My brain just wouldn't let me drink and not smoke.

So it's a new day. And I still have no desire to smoke. If I can limit myself to just while I'm drinking, I think even that is an improvement. I think I'll be ok, "quitting" As Mark Twain said, "Quitting smoking is easy. I've done it a thousand times."

I'll quit again tomorrow. :)

Labels: Health

Yeah, so I haven't smoked in like a week. Not since Andy Kemp's farewell party. Mostly because I got sick with a cold right after that. I was coughing so hard I couldn't even think about cigarettes. Even when I got better (I'm still not completely well) The desire to smoke wasn't even there.

So I just simply made the decision to quit cold turkey. I know what everyone says, "Oh, it won't work. It'll fail. You can't quit cold turkey." Eat Me. Fuck You I can.

I haven't had a cigarette in a week now. So far, so good. Although it is tough. My body's not craving the smoke, but it is craving the nicotine. My brain is sending me messages while I'm driving like, "Shouldn't you be smoking? You mostly smoke when you drive." But my will to defy and resist even my own urges is strong. I'm having nic fits, but I'm replacing them with drinking water.

I still go out of the office with the smokers when they feel the need. Even though I'm not smoking. I can tolerate being around smoke. Most people it would make them want to smoke more. Not me. It's more of an endurance test. I go out just to get away from my desk for a while. My brain needs the break.

One thing I've noticed since I've stopped is my senses have become more acute. I can smell what my clothes really smelled like when I was smoking. Usually I'm pretty conscious of that. I try to keep the scent off of me to a degree, but sometimes it's pretty obvious. But now I can instantly tell when someone else has recently had a cigarette. I can go "He had one five minutes ago, and she had one ten." My father went through the same thing when he got out of the hospital this past summer. He lost the desire to smoke and when he stopped he realized what his clothes smelled like.

It's funny the lack of nicotine in my system has started to make me act weird(er). I'm walking around more silly and it's probably because I haven't had a smoke to mellow me out in a week.


Well, I don't know. We'll see how it goes. Wish me luck. Next thing you know, I'll be eating right and exercising.

Labels: Fitness, Health

So I thought I was just a little wrecked when I came in to work on Friday after being out until 3AM the previous night. I had some dehydration and a little nagging cough. I would speak to people and my voice would get more and more gravely. People thought, "Man, you must have tore it up last night. I can't believe you even bothered to show up today."
    "That's right. And on a snow day, too...bitches!"

As the day went on, the cough got worse. By the time I left work, I couldn't speak anymore. My throat was that irritated. By the time I got home, I was horking up little chunks of hurl and lung butter. I'd sit on the couch and cough so hard I would gag. This was fun. Thank God I didn't have to go to work in the morning. I kept thinking I must have caught the West Nile Virus, or at least the West Conshy Virus.

Here it is Saturday, and I can't bring myself to get out of bed. I'm not weak or anything, I simply know that If I sit up and breathe, that I'm gonna cough. Fuck that. I'll sleep all day. I ain't got shit else to do.

So Saturday's gone. Now for the fucked up shit. The cold has moved from primarily my chest to my head. I'm still coughing, but now I've got all kinds of shit happening. I've got a killer headache at the base of my skull. Every orifice on my head is closed up. I'm got so much sinus pressure that my eyeballs hurt, and on top of it all, I've got a fever of like 110.

Too fatigued to cook and to dizzy to even stand, I spent most of Sunday hungry until my Mom came over and brought me some Chicken and Dumplings. Nothin like that momma love when you're sick. Oh, that shit made my day.

I could feel the fever just radiating off of me. Anywhere skin was touching skin I could feel the heat. My balls were like this mist-laden, tropical, Evil Jungle Penis, forest fire. I was in a constant sweat. I'm sure I smelled great.

I couldn't even sleep with the fever. I had two blankets and a fan. I felt like an old menopausal woman. I'm HOOOOOOOTTT!!! I'm COOOOOOLLLLDD!!! I'm HOOOOOOOTTT!!! I'm COOOOOOLLLLDD!!! Yeesh!

Monday I wasn't even trying to feel work. I was still horking up chunks of things that didn't belong in my body. Awesome.

I truly didn't realize how sick I was until I tried to go to the store and get some supplies. I dragged my ass to the Giant and loaded up on cough drops, decongestants, and antihistamines. I filled my cart with microwavable soups and Gatorade. ('Cause it's got lectro-lights) I was so dehydrated I nearly passed out three times in the store. I'm walking around and my lips are so dry, I look like I've been giving blowjobs to powdered donuts all day. I wanted to kill the little aggravating checkout boy, who didn't have any change in his drawer. Ordinarily I'd have leapt over the counter and strangled him AND his manager after I floated him a C-Note and he looked at me like he was stupid, but I was far too weak. I just wanted to get back home.

And for some reason, the sunlight made me nauseous. Or maybe it was the fact that I hadn't eaten anything solid in the last three days.

I somehow made it back home. And nearly passed out on the couch. I didn't even bother to put the food away. OK, so now I've made my journey out into the world and hopefully once I get a little food in me, I'll feel better.

I'm online IM'ing people at work because I'm starved for entertainment. Nothing on TV. I ended up watching a lot of Lifetime. THERE WAS NOTHING ELSE ON! I was so eff'ing bored. Anyway, I'm IM'ing Gina when I made the biggest dumbass move I've made in a while. Never eat saltines and drink orange juice after your lips have split from being dehydrated. BIG MISTAKE! Oh, that sucked so bad!

I was hoping that people would send me entertaining e-mails and stuff because I was sick. No such luck. I was so bored!

The meds I took were enough to kill a horse, but I was feeling shitty so I doubled up on them. Jeezus, Mucinex are big fucking pills! Could choke a bull moose with them sons o' bitches! They say take them with a full glass of water. No shit! Wouldn't want to risk one of thtem getting lodged in your esophagus on the way down. It's like trying to swallow a football every twelve hours!

Anyway, Monday was spent. Tuesday I was feeling much better, but still not quite 100%. I still had a nagging cough, but my body was just trying to get phlegm out of my left lung. It wasn't like a hacking anymore. I still wasn't going to work. I decided that today I wasn't going in to the office, but at least I could get some work done from home.

Well, it's Wednesday. I'm dragging my ass into work like a wounded dog. I still can't really speak, and I'm a phlegm machine. Oh well. One good thing about being sick. I must have lost 5 pounds in sweat alone. Another is I haven't even thought about a cigarette since last week.

Labels: Health