You know, I have been watching Coming To America lately. It's been on cable a few times in the last week. I had forgotten how truly funny that movie actually is. Certainly I pick up on a lot more humor than I did when I first saw it when I was 8.

That shit's got some great scenes in it. Like the one featuring Randy Watson & Sexual Chocolate.

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoS8j9eNMZU" target="sexualchocolate"><img src="http://www.waldoland.com/images/blogimages/sexualchocolate.jpg" /></a>

Every time I leave a group of people, that's how I'm going to do it. I know my Uncle Wayne already does it, but that's way too funny for him to keep all for himself. I know the white people at work won't get it, but that's half the fun. :)

Wow, the girl that played Lisa in it, Shari Headley, my god what a stunningly gorgeous woman. Oh, my god she is beautiful. Why haven't we seen more of her? I just looked her up on IMDB. It looks like she's done a lot of one-times on TV episodes here and there over the years. And a lot of Soaps. Stuff I don't admit I watch. I don't understand why she didn't do more feature films. As beautiful as she is, she could have been a great star.

Hehe, and Eriq LaSalle. Forever playing a prick. At least in ER, he's a magnanimous prick.

Labels: Comedy, Fun, Hot Bitches, Movies

Have you seen the commercials for Nutrisystem with Jillian Barberie?

They say she lost 41 pounds. Did you hear me, butterfly? 41 pounds!!! When was she EVER that big? Don't you think we would have noticed that shit (and complained about it) by now? As much as she's on TV? Come on.

Did you see that photoshopped-ass before picture? There's no frikkin' way She could have snuck and got that big. Who are you trying to bullshit? Maybe you lost 41 pounds in your tits!


Even better is the one with Larry The Cable Guy. "I lost 50 pounds with Nutrisystem" I got news for ya, Larr. Yer still a fatshit.


Who says there's no truth in advertising?

Labels: Advertising, Fitness, Health, Hot Bitches, Rants, TV

Damn, Salma Hayek has a killer body. Every time I see it, it's just a thing of beauty. Makes me damn near want to cry sometimes.

Every time From Dusk Till Dawn comes on, I am compelled to tune in if for nothing else than the table dance of Santanico Pandemonium. Ooooooowieee! Now that's what I call a fucking show!

<a href="http://youtube.com/watch?v=zvCTkBKRggc" target="youtube"><img src="http://www.waldoland.com/images/blogimages/salmadusktilldawn.jpg" alt="Salma Hayek" /></a>

Labels: Hot Bitches, Movies

Of all people, my mother sent this one to me.

MediaTakeOut.com just got its hands on an excerpt from the tell-all book of Philadelphia-based radio personality Goldengirl (whose real mane is Lisa Natson) entitled Sex & Celebrities: The Truth, the Whole Truth, The Naked Truth.

...

Lil Kim and I were touching, rubbing, and before I knew it, we were playing in each other's pussy with our fingers. Her ass was so soft, I kept touching and grabbing it. I'd never felt anybody's ass as soft as mine, and her titties were huge and pretty. Her nipples got hard instantly as I licked all over them. She was rubbing my clit and grabbing my ass.

She pulled me on top of her, and somehow made her clit press a button on mine. We were grinding clits, and it felt unbelievably good. I figured she knew what she was doing, cause my pussy was dripping wet. We were both moaning, and I didn't think she could feel my pussy juices, because as she slid her fingers between my lips.

When she felt how wet she had gotten me, she got a surge of adrenaline and said, "Oh my God, girl, you're so wet, let me..." and she leaned up and grabbed my leg to motion me to turn my ass to her face. I did, and we were in the sixty-nine position, with her on the bottom.

...

LAWD HAVE MERCY!!!

True or not. I don't care. This was the best story ever told. Hallelujah! Holy shit!

Read the rest of this excerpt here. I swear to God, you'll grizz your shorts.

EXPLOSIVE: FEMALE RADIO PERSONALITY WRITES ABOUT HER INTIMATE ENCOUNTER WITH LIL KIM (PARENTAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED)

Labels: Hot Bitches, Pop Culture

So I stopped in to my local Hooters last night after work and got a couple of beers and a burger.

Lo and behold, as I was sitting at my table enjoying my dinner and the view, a group of like 15-year old kids walk in. Two twerps and their little blonde girlfriends. They sit down and order and socialize like it's the fucking Denny's. WTF!?! First, if you're a girl, wouldn't you have a problem with your boyfriend going to Hooters? Much less joining him? Nothing caps off a long day of mall shopping like a trip to Hooters. Second, no one batted an eye when they came in. Not the servers, not the managers, no one. They just sat there, smoking cigarettes, eating their food, and giggling.

Pile on top of that, an entire family comes in to eat. Mom, Dad, three adolescent boys and one adolescent girl. They actually seemed excited to be there. I kept picturing a scenario in my mind where each member of the family got to choose where to eat and it was one of the boys' turn. The mom wasn't even taken aback at anything. Shouldn't you have some reservations about your family dining at Hooters?

The last time I was at this Hooters, we thought it was Bring Your Baby to Hooters Day. There were like two or three groups of guys swilling beer right next to their babies in high chairs.

I remember before that, this past summer, I was at Hooters for lunch with the guys at GHR and there was quite literally a busload of summer camp kids. All boys. Now this one I could understand. Some counselor was like, "Alright, nobody say nuthin'". I bet it was like some secret field trip that their parents' weren't supposed to find out about.


It's a different world. For sure. I'm not a prude. Far from it, but what the fuck is happening to our society? Hooters used to be a place where guys could go to escape their wives and go see some near-T'n'A. A pervert's paradise. One step up from the strip club, yet still socially close to acceptable. Nowadays it's an accepted practice. Huh? Where do we draw the line? In another ten years will it be Bring Your Daughter to the Strip Club Day? Why don't you fill out an application for her while you're at it?

What the hell?

Labels: Bars, Hot Bitches, Rants, Strip clubs

I had a revelation today.

I don't actually hate Jade.

As I was driving to Coyote Crossing in Conshohocken for lunch last Friday, I found myself flipping the finger down Elm/Hector street in the general direction of 7th Heaven.

I was thinking about the hate that I've been harboring all this time over Jade. Thinking about how it's poisoned my soul. The hate and anger and frustration has changed me. I've turned into a different person.

Though I haven't become completely bitter, it has changed my perspective on quite a few things. It's actually become a positive influence on my life. Even though I'm still cleaning up the mess left behind in her wake, I can't let her turn me to the dark side. I can't let her change me.

I came to the conclusion that I don't need to waste any more time hating her. It's not healthy. I was indulging my own craziness. Yes, I hate what she did to me. Yes, It breaks my heart every time I think how much of a better life she would have if only she were a better person. It's been nearly a year now and I'm still thinking about her.

The hate held power over me. I don't let any one thing hold power over me like that. Why should I continue to hold on to something so negative? As someone very wise once told me, "If it ain't good for you, and it ain't good to you, there's no reason to continue doing it." The funny thing was that it was me perpetuating the hate. She stopped calling in August.

So why was I still holding on? Maybe it was some vain hope that she might change. If not for herself, then for her children. I would like to know that she's all right. More importantly, I would like to know that her daughter is all right. It breaks my heart every time I see a child with a joy of life like she had. I probably would have been the best father figure that she'll ever have.


But it's over now. I'm over her. She doesn't hold any more power whatsoever over me.

Labels: Dating, Hot Bitches, Life

You know, I was watching TV this weekend and saw the movie Money Train.

I was just thinking, remember how beautiful Jennifer Lopez used to be?

What I mean by that is back in 1995, she was this pretty down chick from the Bronx with curly hair. She was approachable even if you only had a little game. So attractive, and the apple of everyone's eye.

Now she is the entity known as J.Lo, a millionairess with champagne tastes, who marries other celebrities at will. Yes, she's still got the onion booty (it may have even been enhanced since then), but basically a Hollywood starfucker.

I remember the lyric, "Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got. I'm still Jenny from the block.". Nothing could be further from the truth. With her makeup and hair product lines that people pay fortunes for, she is so superficial and artificial, it makes me wanna puke. And yet she has been deified as a Hollywood/Music industry diva, nay, queen, nay god. Her music isn't that good and neither is her acting. She ain't even all that cute anymore.

I would have preferred she remain humble. Every time I see those commercials for her new album, it makes me wanna gag and throw up in my mouth a little. I feel physically ill. She is so fake.

Labels: Hot Bitches, Movies, Music, Philosophizing, TV

God damn, I love Heroes!

All I got to say is Dr. Suresh...Damn! It take a dysfunctional muh fucka to bust somebody in they eye like that! Wooh! That was some wild-ass shit!

And by the way, damn Dania Ramirez is fine. She is so beautiful. But poor baby, she's always crying. I'm a sucker for a beautiful woman who crys.

Labels: Hot Bitches, TV

I DVR'ed an episode of Manswers on Spike the other night. It came on at midnight and I was too tired to stay up and watch it. It had one segment that kind of piqued my interest. How Do You Take a Stripper Home?.

Hmmm. I wonder what that's like? I wonder if they had any advice that paralleled my own experience with strippers.

Well, I watched it last night and here is the outcome. Let's compare it to real life.

1. Go on the slow nights. Your goal is to become a regular.

   Yeah. I'll buy into that one. On a busy night, you're just another face in the crowd. On a slow night, you're more likely to get noticed. Although you run the risk of appearing like (and becoming) that lonely perv that's in the club every night, a.k.a. a stalker.

2. The first place you don't sit is the stage. Post up at the bar like it's a regular bar. The one way you're gonna get a stripper's attention is by really not giving her a ton of attention.

   I don't agree with this one. In a lot of local joints the stage is the bar so you can't avoid it. In the bigger places, only the bartender will notice you at the bar. Although the reasoning behind this one is more sound than the actual method. Giving a stripper ALL your attention is deadly. They will have you hooked. You will become addicted and they will run you dry. Once she has you hooked, she will know it and all you become to her is a money source. Once that happens, Game over. Now there is something to be said about playing hard to get. Feigning interest. Don't overdo it. Strippers can smell bullshit like a fart in a car.

3. Bring a chick with you. Any time a girl is around another girl, there's always a little bit of competition.

   I don't know about this one. Yes, it's true about the competition, but that's all women. First, where are you going to find a straight chick who will go to a strip club with you? Second, if you do find one, why aren't you banging her? Third, in my experience a stripper is more exited at the prospect of giving another chick a lapdance than you. They see horny guys all day. This move will not work to your advantage.

4. Don't tip the strippers. Strippers are in it for one thing: money. The moment that money changes hands, you're a source of income. You'll never be seen as anything else.

   That's partially true. Don't show your roll. Break out a few singles at a time. If a stripper sees that your money is long, then it's all said and done. Not tipping a stripper can lead to venomous consequences. In a big place like Delilah's, where a stripper can clear hundreds a night, they won't miss your couple dollars. In a dive joint, the strippers there are working hard for the money, so every dollar counts. Snubbing a stripper in these places will actually get you the opposite result. Bring enough money to make sure every stripper that comes around for a tip get some money. It's just respectful. If there's one that actually interests you, make it a point to have her come over to you to get a little something extra. She'll then start to recognize you and begin to engage you. Yes, it's to get more money from you, but it gets your foot in the door. This is your opportunity to start chatting her up.

5. Throw a party. Girls love to party, and these girls love to party.

   Yes, they do. All of them love to get lit. This is not a guarantee of anything, though. Don't think you're like the guy in the clip and just say, "Oh, I'm having a party," and walk out the door with them. Strippers are not likely to leave the club with you. If you're going to party with strippers, make an announcement. Set a date. Make an event out of it. Invite a few of them for a little fun. Don't be the only one there. You're more likely to end up with a stripper if you see her outside the club, than in. So the objective here is to get them to willingly interact with you outside the club. So a party is a good way to do it. Your friends will have fun, they will have fun, and most importantly, you will have fun.

Anyway, it doesn't seem like Spike has the ultimate answer to picking up strippers. It seems no one does. Ultimately, strippers are people, too. They have needs and wants just like the rest of us ... only adjusted. Contrary to what one might think, strippers are usually very sexually repressed. Either from some sexual trauma, or the fact that they grind in guys' laps all day. The likelihood is that they won't go home with you for a one night stand, though it does happen. The more you can see them outside the club, the more likely they are to see you as someone they might continue to see outside the club. My couple of tips should help to keep your game strong and continue to keep your money long.

Just so I can say I warned you, just be aware, you are taking a stripper home (or attempting, anyway). If you're the jealous type, this is not an adventure for you. You have to deal with strippers giving sexual attention to another guy. Also nearly every last one of them is crazy in some way (or many ways).

Other links:

• SpikeTV: How Do You Take a Stripper Home?
• wikiHow: How to Date a Stripper

Labels: Bars, Comedy, Hot Bitches, Life, Night life, Strip clubs, TV

I had the weirdest dream last night. Just an unnecessarily erotic dream. If you're offended by this kind of stuff, read no further.

OK, here goes. I don't quite remember the context of the dream, but I remember the setting was like the VIP room at a club. Only it was like after hours or something. Most of the people had gone home. The house lights had come up. There were about eight of us hanging around on couches while the staff cleaned up and shit. We were drinking red wine and talking shit. You know, philosophizing.

There was this girl. This hot little brunette with a very short, red cocktail dress. Very reminiscent of Jodi Lyn O'Keefe in Prison Break. She was on my arm, but I really didn't know her. She never said a word, but I knew she was mine.

So we're continuing to philosophize, when she subtly takes my left hand and places it on her inner thigh. I'm intrigued. I'm aroused. I break mid-sentence but no one seems to notice. I look at her longingly. She moves my hand farther up her creamy thigh and under her skirt. I look around to see who's noticing her behavior. No one seems to notice, but still I withdraw. She grabs my wrist. With steely eyes she fires me a piercing look. She doesn't care who's watching. This girl has balls of steel. I'm aroused even further. I go along.

I begin to finger this chick. I can feel how warm and silky her pussy was. She begins to moan. No one notices. I go deeper. She gets wet. She starts to writhe in ecstasy. God, I can feel that pussy even now. She quietly moans so that only I can hear. Still no one notices. People around me continue talking shit as if nothing's going on. How can these people not know? The excitement was palpable. The thrill of fingering this chick in front of all these people was incredible. I continued for an hour. I could feel her in my dream every minute of it.


Sounds like it's straight out of a supermarket romance novel, huh? Well that's how it went down. Damn, I got all hot and bothered just writing this. This dream was so intense. I could genuinely feel things. That kind of tactile response is pretty uncommon even in the most intensely erotic dreams. Kind of freaked me out a little bit, but in a good way. Kind of like in Hackers, when Angelina Jolie had the dream about Johnny Lee Miller, and woke up with a big smile on her face. She let out this moan. "Ohhhhh!" That's how I woke up.

I don't know where that came from, but it was great. I don't know what the hell prompted it, but damn that was a good dream.

Labels: Dreams, Hot Bitches, Insomnia

The Heroes marathon continues. The 2nd season continues on G4 and I've been watching non stop. I don't know if I can only watch one episode a week starting Monday. Hehe.

Now, if Tawny Cypress was fine, Heroes is additionally enhanced with the addition of Dania Ramirez, playing Maya, a Guatemalan girl (though she's Dominican but sounds like she's straight up from the Bronx) who's power manifest when she becomes upset. She bleeds from the eyes and everyone around her begins to die. She cannot control it and the only thing that can stop it is her twin brother Alejandro. Y'all already know how hot Dania Ramirez is. God the hot women factor alone is enough to watch this show. Although, I don't necessarily like the fact that G4 took a poll of who's hotter, comparing Hayden Panettiere to Ali Larter. Not because they're both white, but because Hayden is like 16. Grown ass men are replying "She's so much hotter". Dude, she's a child! I could understand teenage boys, but not grown-ass men. The better poll question is Who's hotter: Tawny or Dania? Nice.

I really hope that she gets away from Sylar safely so that I can see more of her. Nice.

Hiro is so adorable. He's just so hard up. He's like a little Japanese teddy bear that can't get none.

Check out the Star Trek links to Heroes. First, Sulu, then Uhura, then the guy playing Sylar, Zachary Quinto, is going to play Spock in the forthcoming Star Trek XI movie. If you look at him, he is perfect to play the part of a young Lenny Nimoy. For now, he is doing a fantastic job as a sociopath. Show creator, Tim Kring discusses on the first live post show on G4 how it started as a cpmolete and total coincidence.

Here's a thought for people who have already seen season 1. If Simone Deveaux's father (Richard Roundtree) is part of this first generation of heroes that's slowly being revealed, shouldn't she have powers too? It's seems that these powers are hereditary. So the question is...Is she really dead?

Also, did anyone else notice that when Peter Petrelli had his vision of the evacuation at the end of this week's episode, that there was a billboard of Isaac Mendez' painting depicting the Muscle Mimic girl from New Orleans (Micah's cousin) in the background? If you look even closer several of the billboards in the scene were Isaac Mendez' paintings. You think that could be a clue? Hehe.

Something I've been missing. Why do they call Mr. Bennet H.R.G.? I haven't seen any scene where they tell me what that means or even anyone in the show call him that. Maybe I just missed it. Nevermind. I just caught it on the replay of the live post show on G4 as I'm writing this post. Stands for Horned Rimmed Glasses.

A side note to G4. Please get some more commercials. I've watched a total of 24 hours of G4 in the last two weeks, and they've only ever played like the same four commercials. Do you know how annoying that is? I'm starting to see them in my dreams now. G4 is now becoming my own personal Nightmare Man. Seriously, though.

Labels: Hot Bitches, Rants, TV

When did this happen? I was driving home from work last night down North Gulph and saw a sign that looked like it read 'Hooters'. I thought to myself, "Did they open a new Hooters in King of Prussia?" Are there now two? As I got close, sure enough, it did say Hooters. It seems that there's a new Hooters where KoP Denny's used to be. In my travels last night, I drove past the existing Hooters site, only to find that that bitch was closed the fuck down. Light off. DUN! Dayum!

Evidently, they moved the location off 202. It would seem like this was as of yesterday. Who knew?

It's funny to think that the place that I spent so much of my youth terrorizing (KP Denny's), is now the place which I terrorize in my adult life. It might be interesting because as far as I know, the new location is smaller. I can recall stories of us sticking forks in the drop ceilings and people setting their faces on fire (Sydd). To think, that was nearly ten years ago.

Labels: Bars, Hot Bitches

Since I've been watching the Heroes marathon on G4, I missed what the premier movies on cable were tonight. As I'm flipping through the channels after midnight looking for replays, I caught Smokin' Aces on Cinemax.

I must admit, I had been wanting to see this movie. I like the occasional bang-bang shoot-em-up. It's a relief from the truly cinematic films I watch. I saw with this one, that it not only had a huge cast of names and faces that I know, but that cast included two of my favorite musicians in bad-ass roles; Common and Alicia Keys. I love it when my people like Mos Def and Jill Scott, become actors and do it well. I have yet to see Talib Kweli in a role, but I suspect he's out there.

Common was just a bad ass muh fucka named Ivy. Just a do-dirt nigga. Bad to the bone. I love it.

My Sexy beautiful girl Alicia Keys plays a hit man, er, hit woman named Georgia who comes ready for war. Not only is she ultra sexy, posing as a hooker to infiltrate security, but she carries some mean guns, and cusses like a man.

I'm already in love with Alicia Keys, but hearing her cuss like that, turned me on like a switch. Sometimes I like a girl with a really dirty mouth. Not so much because it's a part of her everyday speech pattern because it's part of her environment (A.K.A. - Ghetto Mouf), but because she's confident enough and comfortable in her own skin, enough to not have to censor herself around those she's comfortable with. My one caveat to that is you must be a lady in the streets.

That's the kind of shit I could roll with.

Labels: Hot Bitches, Movies, Music, TV

This is my barely coherent, rant on tattoos and piercings in popular culture today. Feel free to sound off on this. This is just my opinion.

You know, I remember exactly when it was that tattoos became a fashion statement. It was around 1997. I remember I was a junior in high school. I was sitting in Chemistry class and Dave Lacey, a 16-year old sophomore football player came into class with a blue & gold tattoo around his bicep.

This was it. Tattoos had officially become part of popular culture. When a 16-year old's parents authorize him to get a tattoo, it's no longer tabooo.

Right around then, the popularity of body art had really exploded. Camryn Manheim (The Practice) had eighty-nine earrings in her ear, Rosanna Arquette (Pulp Fiction) had 16 various piercings. Kids wanted to follow along. Tribal tattoos, barbed wire tattoos, and nipple, eyebrow, nose, belly button, clitoral piercings and tongue studs were the latest trends in the mid-to-late nineties.

I remember there was this wannabe rebel freshman girl who was in the choir. She was a really excellent soprano. She had every chance to excel, but somehow had that mental wiring that made her sabotage everything good. She started hinting to the choir director that she wanted to get a piercing. She would drop questions like, "If I get a tongue stud, how will that affect my voice?" The response was, "If you get a tongue stud, you're out of my choir." So of course she got the stud.

Anyway, back to the point. It used to be that a tattoo was a badge of rebellion. If you were a dude and you got a tat, you were a bad ass, hands down. Before then, you only got a tattoo if you were in prison or in the Navy.

If you were a chick and you had a tattoo (which was almost unheard of), you were a total slut. Usually in the good way. If it was on your ass, you could be that librarian/secretary in public, but a wildcat behind closed doors. You know what I mean?

That's how it used to be, anyway.

In the nineties, every drunken fratboy had a barbed wire tattoo or tribal patterns. Every chick had a flower or a dolphin in the small of her back or her ankle.

Nowadays, it's out of control. Tattoos used to mean something. Whether it was a badge of honor, or a display of passion or self expression. It was something.

Today everyone and their momma has a tattoo. Kids have nothing better to do. Tattoos are nothing more than an accessory. Something to go with their Prada handbag. 10 years ago the concept of having a cuff or a sleeve was reserved for those who were truly hardcore. Today, everyone is covered in tats. It's not uncommon to see people with more ink than skin.

It's just that tats and piercings are so commonplace in the new millennium, that they've lost all value. If someone says, "I have a tattoo" Yeah, well so does everybody. There's no shock value in anything anymore.

Tats would have gotten you disowned from your family ten years ago. Today, you could sit down at the family dinner table and discuss your fresh ink. It's so commercial that there are multiple television shows around tattoos artists.

PLEASE don't get me wrong.

I'm not against tattoos or piercings. I even have a few, myself. I have a treble clef on my left bicep, which means a great deal to me. It wasn't just a whim like people get. I had been planning on getting this symbol of my passion since I was a teenager. I have three piercings in my left ear, one in my right, and I've had my right eyebrow pierced more times than I can remember.

Anyone has the right to do whatever they want with their body. It's not my place to say what anyone else should do. It's just that people are getting more and tats which mean nothing to them. just because they saw something on TV. People get Chinese writing on their necks because it's trendy.

Ordinarily, I think tattoos on a woman can be ultra sexy if done tastefully and discreetly. One or two only. Small and somewhere like an ankle or the small of the back, or even on a hip. It's kind of like a little treasure. Not a friggin' billboard across your stomach.

I was at orientation for YellowBook and there was this girl with at least four tattoos below the sleeve line and two more on her neck. No one batted an eye.

I just wonder where we'll be in another ten years. Less and less shocks us. What is left? I've gone to strip clubs and seen strippers that were literally covered in tats. I wasn't even shocked. It's not so much about the tats themselves, but about how easily people will get them and the fact that it's of little or no consequence.

I don't know. That's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

Labels: Hot Bitches, Life, Philosophizing, Pop Culture, Rants, Society, Tattoos

I was downloading some music the other day And if any of you know me, I MUST have my album artwork for every track.

So I got some Alicia Keys remixes. To be more specific, Dance Vault Remixes - Diary. That's when I saw it. Oooooh.

The cover to this album has Alicia Keys topless (with her back to the camera). In the small of her back, which incidentally is THE sexiest part of a woman, next to the nape of her neck, she has a tattoo of two bass clefs opposing each other to form the shape of a heart.

Oh. My. God.

Damn, that's sexy. By now you should know my personal policy on female tattoos: in moderation. That's perfect. Already I'm in love with Alicia Keys, because Lawd Jeezus she's beautiful, and she's an amazing musician with a beautiful soul. The tattoo was merely the culmination. It matches perfectly with my treble clef on my own arm. Doesn't that sound like a match made in heaven? Alicia just made the top of the wifey list.

Now it would seem that the tattoo isn't real. Still. Just the thought of it is damn sexy. Here's another example of a temporary tattoo she was sporting in the small of her back that reads THINK 4 URSELF.

God Damn she is sexy. Think of the kind of person that would get a tattoo (permanent, magic marker, or otherwise) that would make a bold intellectual statement, not just a fashion statement.

Labels: Hot Bitches, Music, Tattoos