You know, I have been watching Coming To America lately. It's been on cable a few times in the last week. I had forgotten how truly funny that movie actually is. Certainly I pick up on a lot more humor than I did when I first saw it when I was 8.

That shit's got some great scenes in it. Like the one featuring Randy Watson & Sexual Chocolate.

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoS8j9eNMZU" target="sexualchocolate"><img src="http://www.waldoland.com/images/blogimages/sexualchocolate.jpg" /></a>

Every time I leave a group of people, that's how I'm going to do it. I know my Uncle Wayne already does it, but that's way too funny for him to keep all for himself. I know the white people at work won't get it, but that's half the fun. :)

Wow, the girl that played Lisa in it, Shari Headley, my god what a stunningly gorgeous woman. Oh, my god she is beautiful. Why haven't we seen more of her? I just looked her up on IMDB. It looks like she's done a lot of one-times on TV episodes here and there over the years. And a lot of Soaps. Stuff I don't admit I watch. I don't understand why she didn't do more feature films. As beautiful as she is, she could have been a great star.

Hehe, and Eriq LaSalle. Forever playing a prick. At least in ER, he's a magnanimous prick.

Labels: Comedy, Fun, Hot Bitches, Movies

Have you seen the commercials for Nutrisystem with Jillian Barberie?

They say she lost 41 pounds. Did you hear me, butterfly? 41 pounds!!! When was she EVER that big? Don't you think we would have noticed that shit (and complained about it) by now? As much as she's on TV? Come on.

Did you see that photoshopped-ass before picture? There's no frikkin' way She could have snuck and got that big. Who are you trying to bullshit? Maybe you lost 41 pounds in your tits!


Even better is the one with Larry The Cable Guy. "I lost 50 pounds with Nutrisystem" I got news for ya, Larr. Yer still a fatshit.


Who says there's no truth in advertising?

Labels: Advertising, Fitness, Health, Hot Bitches, Rants, TV

Damn, Salma Hayek has a killer body. Every time I see it, it's just a thing of beauty. Makes me damn near want to cry sometimes.

Every time From Dusk Till Dawn comes on, I am compelled to tune in if for nothing else than the table dance of Santanico Pandemonium. Ooooooowieee! Now that's what I call a fucking show!

<a href="http://youtube.com/watch?v=zvCTkBKRggc" target="youtube"><img src="http://www.waldoland.com/images/blogimages/salmadusktilldawn.jpg" alt="Salma Hayek" /></a>

Labels: Hot Bitches, Movies

Of all people, my mother sent this one to me.

MediaTakeOut.com just got its hands on an excerpt from the tell-all book of Philadelphia-based radio personality Goldengirl (whose real mane is Lisa Natson) entitled Sex & Celebrities: The Truth, the Whole Truth, The Naked Truth.

...

Lil Kim and I were touching, rubbing, and before I knew it, we were playing in each other's pussy with our fingers. Her ass was so soft, I kept touching and grabbing it. I'd never felt anybody's ass as soft as mine, and her titties were huge and pretty. Her nipples got hard instantly as I licked all over them. She was rubbing my clit and grabbing my ass.

She pulled me on top of her, and somehow made her clit press a button on mine. We were grinding clits, and it felt unbelievably good. I figured she knew what she was doing, cause my pussy was dripping wet. We were both moaning, and I didn't think she could feel my pussy juices, because as she slid her fingers between my lips.

When she felt how wet she had gotten me, she got a surge of adrenaline and said, "Oh my God, girl, you're so wet, let me..." and she leaned up and grabbed my leg to motion me to turn my ass to her face. I did, and we were in the sixty-nine position, with her on the bottom.

...

LAWD HAVE MERCY!!!

True or not. I don't care. This was the best story ever told. Hallelujah! Holy shit!

Read the rest of this excerpt here. I swear to God, you'll grizz your shorts.

EXPLOSIVE: FEMALE RADIO PERSONALITY WRITES ABOUT HER INTIMATE ENCOUNTER WITH LIL KIM (PARENTAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED)

Labels: Hot Bitches, Pop Culture

So I stopped in to my local Hooters last night after work and got a couple of beers and a burger.

Lo and behold, as I was sitting at my table enjoying my dinner and the view, a group of like 15-year old kids walk in. Two twerps and their little blonde girlfriends. They sit down and order and socialize like it's the fucking Denny's. WTF!?! First, if you're a girl, wouldn't you have a problem with your boyfriend going to Hooters? Much less joining him? Nothing caps off a long day of mall shopping like a trip to Hooters. Second, no one batted an eye when they came in. Not the servers, not the managers, no one. They just sat there, smoking cigarettes, eating their food, and giggling.

Pile on top of that, an entire family comes in to eat. Mom, Dad, three adolescent boys and one adolescent girl. They actually seemed excited to be there. I kept picturing a scenario in my mind where each member of the family got to choose where to eat and it was one of the boys' turn. The mom wasn't even taken aback at anything. Shouldn't you have some reservations about your family dining at Hooters?

The last time I was at this Hooters, we thought it was Bring Your Baby to Hooters Day. There were like two or three groups of guys swilling beer right next to their babies in high chairs.

I remember before that, this past summer, I was at Hooters for lunch with the guys at GHR and there was quite literally a busload of summer camp kids. All boys. Now this one I could understand. Some counselor was like, "Alright, nobody say nuthin'". I bet it was like some secret field trip that their parents' weren't supposed to find out about.


It's a different world. For sure. I'm not a prude. Far from it, but what the fuck is happening to our society? Hooters used to be a place where guys could go to escape their wives and go see some near-T'n'A. A pervert's paradise. One step up from the strip club, yet still socially close to acceptable. Nowadays it's an accepted practice. Huh? Where do we draw the line? In another ten years will it be Bring Your Daughter to the Strip Club Day? Why don't you fill out an application for her while you're at it?

What the hell?

Labels: Bars, Hot Bitches, Rants, Strip clubs

I had a revelation today.

I don't actually hate Jade.

As I was driving to Coyote Crossing in Conshohocken for lunch last Friday, I found myself flipping the finger down Elm/Hector street in the general direction of 7th Heaven.

I was thinking about the hate that I've been harboring all this time over Jade. Thinking about how it's poisoned my soul. The hate and anger and frustration has changed me. I've turned into a different person.

Though I haven't become completely bitter, it has changed my perspective on quite a few things. It's actually become a positive influence on my life. Even though I'm still cleaning up the mess left behind in her wake, I can't let her turn me to the dark side. I can't let her change me.

I came to the conclusion that I don't need to waste any more time hating her. It's not healthy. I was indulging my own craziness. Yes, I hate what she did to me. Yes, It breaks my heart every time I think how much of a better life she would have if only she were a better person. It's been nearly a year now and I'm still thinking about her.

The hate held power over me. I don't let any one thing hold power over me like that. Why should I continue to hold on to something so negative? As someone very wise once told me, "If it ain't good for you, and it ain't good to you, there's no reason to continue doing it." The funny thing was that it was me perpetuating the hate. She stopped calling in August.

So why was I still holding on? Maybe it was some vain hope that she might change. If not for herself, then for her children. I would like to know that she's all right. More importantly, I would like to know that her daughter is all right. It breaks my heart every time I see a child with a joy of life like she had. I probably would have been the best father figure that she'll ever have.


But it's over now. I'm over her. She doesn't hold any more power whatsoever over me.

Labels: Dating, Hot Bitches, Life

You know, I was watching TV this weekend and saw the movie Money Train.

I was just thinking, remember how beautiful Jennifer Lopez used to be?

What I mean by that is back in 1995, she was this pretty down chick from the Bronx with curly hair. She was approachable even if you only had a little game. So attractive, and the apple of everyone's eye.

Now she is the entity known as J.Lo, a millionairess with champagne tastes, who marries other celebrities at will. Yes, she's still got the onion booty (it may have even been enhanced since then), but basically a Hollywood starfucker.

I remember the lyric, "Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got. I'm still Jenny from the block.". Nothing could be further from the truth. With her makeup and hair product lines that people pay fortunes for, she is so superficial and artificial, it makes me wanna puke. And yet she has been deified as a Hollywood/Music industry diva, nay, queen, nay god. Her music isn't that good and neither is her acting. She ain't even all that cute anymore.

I would have preferred she remain humble. Every time I see those commercials for her new album, it makes me wanna gag and throw up in my mouth a little. I feel physically ill. She is so fake.

Labels: Hot Bitches, Movies, Music, Philosophizing, TV

God damn, I love Heroes!

All I got to say is Dr. Suresh...Damn! It take a dysfunctional muh fucka to bust somebody in they eye like that! Wooh! That was some wild-ass shit!

And by the way, damn Dania Ramirez is fine. She is so beautiful. But poor baby, she's always crying. I'm a sucker for a beautiful woman who crys.

Labels: Hot Bitches, TV

I DVR'ed an episode of Manswers on Spike the other night. It came on at midnight and I was too tired to stay up and watch it. It had one segment that kind of piqued my interest. How Do You Take a Stripper Home?.

Hmmm. I wonder what that's like? I wonder if they had any advice that paralleled my own experience with strippers.

Well, I watched it last night and here is the outcome. Let's compare it to real life.

1. Go on the slow nights. Your goal is to become a regular.

   Yeah. I'll buy into that one. On a busy night, you're just another face in the crowd. On a slow night, you're more likely to get noticed. Although you run the risk of appearing like (and becoming) that lonely perv that's in the club every night, a.k.a. a stalker.

2. The first place you don't sit is the stage. Post up at the bar like it's a regular bar. The one way you're gonna get a stripper's attention is by really not giving her a ton of attention.

   I don't agree with this one. In a lot of local joints the stage is the bar so you can't avoid it. In the bigger places, only the bartender will notice you at the bar. Although the reasoning behind this one is more sound than the actual method. Giving a stripper ALL your attention is deadly. They will have you hooked. You will become addicted and they will run you dry. Once she has you hooked, she will know it and all you become to her is a money source. Once that happens, Game over. Now there is something to be said about playing hard to get. Feigning interest. Don't overdo it. Strippers can smell bullshit like a fart in a car.

3. Bring a chick with you. Any time a girl is around another girl, there's always a little bit of competition.

   I don't know about this one. Yes, it's true about the competition, but that's all women. First, where are you going to find a straight chick who will go to a strip club with you? Second, if you do find one, why aren't you banging her? Third, in my experience a stripper is more exited at the prospect of giving another chick a lapdance than you. They see horny guys all day. This move will not work to your advantage.

4. Don't tip the strippers. Strippers are in it for one thing: money. The moment that money changes hands, you're a source of income. You'll never be seen as anything else.

   That's partially true. Don't show your roll. Break out a few singles at a time. If a stripper sees that your money is long, then it's all said and done. Not tipping a stripper can lead to venomous consequences. In a big place like Delilah's, where a stripper can clear hundreds a night, they won't miss your couple dollars. In a dive joint, the strippers there are working hard for the money, so every dollar counts. Snubbing a stripper in these places will actually get you the opposite result. Bring enough money to make sure every stripper that comes around for a tip get some money. It's just respectful. If there's one that actually interests you, make it a point to have her come over to you to get a little something extra. She'll then start to recognize you and begin to engage you. Yes, it's to get more money from you, but it gets your foot in the door. This is your opportunity to start chatting her up.

5. Throw a party. Girls love to party, and these girls love to party.

   Yes, they do. All of them love to get lit. This is not a guarantee of anything, though. Don't think you're like the guy in the clip and just say, "Oh, I'm having a party," and walk out the door with them. Strippers are not likely to leave the club with you. If you're going to party with strippers, make an announcement. Set a date. Make an event out of it. Invite a few of them for a little fun. Don't be the only one there. You're more likely to end up with a stripper if you see her outside the club, than in. So the objective here is to get them to willingly interact with you outside the club. So a party is a good way to do it. Your friends will have fun, they will have fun, and most importantly, you will have fun.

Anyway, it doesn't seem like Spike has the ultimate answer to picking up strippers. It seems no one does. Ultimately, strippers are people, too. They have needs and wants just like the rest of us ... only adjusted. Contrary to what one might think, strippers are usually very sexually repressed. Either from some sexual trauma, or the fact that they grind in guys' laps all day. The likelihood is that they won't go home with you for a one night stand, though it does happen. The more you can see them outside the club, the more likely they are to see you as someone they might continue to see outside the club. My couple of tips should help to keep your game strong and continue to keep your money long.

Just so I can say I warned you, just be aware, you are taking a stripper home (or attempting, anyway). If you're the jealous type, this is not an adventure for you. You have to deal with strippers giving sexual attention to another guy. Also nearly every last one of them is crazy in some way (or many ways).

Other links:

• SpikeTV: How Do You Take a Stripper Home?
• wikiHow: How to Date a Stripper

Labels: Bars, Comedy, Hot Bitches, Life, Night life, Strip clubs, TV

I had the weirdest dream last night. Just an unnecessarily erotic dream. If you're offended by this kind of stuff, read no further.

OK, here goes. I don't quite remember the context of the dream, but I remember the setting was like the VIP room at a club. Only it was like after hours or something. Most of the people had gone home. The house lights had come up. There were about eight of us hanging around on couches while the staff cleaned up and shit. We were drinking red wine and talking shit. You know, philosophizing.

There was this girl. This hot little brunette with a very short, red cocktail dress. Very reminiscent of Jodi Lyn O'Keefe in Prison Break. She was on my arm, but I really didn't know her. She never said a word, but I knew she was mine.

So we're continuing to philosophize, when she subtly takes my left hand and places it on her inner thigh. I'm intrigued. I'm aroused. I break mid-sentence but no one seems to notice. I look at her longingly. She moves my hand farther up her creamy thigh and under her skirt. I look around to see who's noticing her behavior. No one seems to notice, but still I withdraw. She grabs my wrist. With steely eyes she fires me a piercing look. She doesn't care who's watching. This girl has balls of steel. I'm aroused even further. I go along.

I begin to finger this chick. I can feel how warm and silky her pussy was. She begins to moan. No one notices. I go deeper. She gets wet. She starts to writhe in ecstasy. God, I can feel that pussy even now. She quietly moans so that only I can hear. Still no one notices. People around me continue talking shit as if nothing's going on. How can these people not know? The excitement was palpable. The thrill of fingering this chick in front of all these people was incredible. I continued for an hour. I could feel her in my dream every minute of it.


Sounds like it's straight out of a supermarket romance novel, huh? Well that's how it went down. Damn, I got all hot and bothered just writing this. This dream was so intense. I could genuinely feel things. That kind of tactile response is pretty uncommon even in the most intensely erotic dreams. Kind of freaked me out a little bit, but in a good way. Kind of like in Hackers, when Angelina Jolie had the dream about Johnny Lee Miller, and woke up with a big smile on her face. She let out this moan. "Ohhhhh!" That's how I woke up.

I don't know where that came from, but it was great. I don't know what the hell prompted it, but damn that was a good dream.

Labels: Dreams, Hot Bitches, Insomnia

The Heroes marathon continues. The 2nd season continues on G4 and I've been watching non stop. I don't know if I can only watch one episode a week starting Monday. Hehe.

Now, if Tawny Cypress was fine, Heroes is additionally enhanced with the addition of Dania Ramirez, playing Maya, a Guatemalan girl (though she's Dominican but sounds like she's straight up from the Bronx) who's power manifest when she becomes upset. She bleeds from the eyes and everyone around her begins to die. She cannot control it and the only thing that can stop it is her twin brother Alejandro. Y'all already know how hot Dania Ramirez is. God the hot women factor alone is enough to watch this show. Although, I don't necessarily like the fact that G4 took a poll of who's hotter, comparing Hayden Panettiere to Ali Larter. Not because they're both white, but because Hayden is like 16. Grown ass men are replying "She's so much hotter". Dude, she's a child! I could understand teenage boys, but not grown-ass men. The better poll question is Who's hotter: Tawny or Dania? Nice.

I really hope that she gets away from Sylar safely so that I can see more of her. Nice.

Hiro is so adorable. He's just so hard up. He's like a little Japanese teddy bear that can't get none.

Check out the Star Trek links to Heroes. First, Sulu, then Uhura, then the guy playing Sylar, Zachary Quinto, is going to play Spock in the forthcoming Star Trek XI movie. If you look at him, he is perfect to play the part of a young Lenny Nimoy. For now, he is doing a fantastic job as a sociopath. Show creator, Tim Kring discusses on the first live post show on G4 how it started as a cpmolete and total coincidence.

Here's a thought for people who have already seen season 1. If Simone Deveaux's father (Richard Roundtree) is part of this first generation of heroes that's slowly being revealed, shouldn't she have powers too? It's seems that these powers are hereditary. So the question is...Is she really dead?

Also, did anyone else notice that when Peter Petrelli had his vision of the evacuation at the end of this week's episode, that there was a billboard of Isaac Mendez' painting depicting the Muscle Mimic girl from New Orleans (Micah's cousin) in the background? If you look even closer several of the billboards in the scene were Isaac Mendez' paintings. You think that could be a clue? Hehe.

Something I've been missing. Why do they call Mr. Bennet H.R.G.? I haven't seen any scene where they tell me what that means or even anyone in the show call him that. Maybe I just missed it. Nevermind. I just caught it on the replay of the live post show on G4 as I'm writing this post. Stands for Horned Rimmed Glasses.

A side note to G4. Please get some more commercials. I've watched a total of 24 hours of G4 in the last two weeks, and they've only ever played like the same four commercials. Do you know how annoying that is? I'm starting to see them in my dreams now. G4 is now becoming my own personal Nightmare Man. Seriously, though.

Labels: Hot Bitches, Rants, TV

When did this happen? I was driving home from work last night down North Gulph and saw a sign that looked like it read 'Hooters'. I thought to myself, "Did they open a new Hooters in King of Prussia?" Are there now two? As I got close, sure enough, it did say Hooters. It seems that there's a new Hooters where KoP Denny's used to be. In my travels last night, I drove past the existing Hooters site, only to find that that bitch was closed the fuck down. Light off. DUN! Dayum!

Evidently, they moved the location off 202. It would seem like this was as of yesterday. Who knew?

It's funny to think that the place that I spent so much of my youth terrorizing (KP Denny's), is now the place which I terrorize in my adult life. It might be interesting because as far as I know, the new location is smaller. I can recall stories of us sticking forks in the drop ceilings and people setting their faces on fire (Sydd). To think, that was nearly ten years ago.

Labels: Bars, Hot Bitches

Since I've been watching the Heroes marathon on G4, I missed what the premier movies on cable were tonight. As I'm flipping through the channels after midnight looking for replays, I caught Smokin' Aces on Cinemax.

I must admit, I had been wanting to see this movie. I like the occasional bang-bang shoot-em-up. It's a relief from the truly cinematic films I watch. I saw with this one, that it not only had a huge cast of names and faces that I know, but that cast included two of my favorite musicians in bad-ass roles; Common and Alicia Keys. I love it when my people like Mos Def and Jill Scott, become actors and do it well. I have yet to see Talib Kweli in a role, but I suspect he's out there.

Common was just a bad ass muh fucka named Ivy. Just a do-dirt nigga. Bad to the bone. I love it.

My Sexy beautiful girl Alicia Keys plays a hit man, er, hit woman named Georgia who comes ready for war. Not only is she ultra sexy, posing as a hooker to infiltrate security, but she carries some mean guns, and cusses like a man.

I'm already in love with Alicia Keys, but hearing her cuss like that, turned me on like a switch. Sometimes I like a girl with a really dirty mouth. Not so much because it's a part of her everyday speech pattern because it's part of her environment (A.K.A. - Ghetto Mouf), but because she's confident enough and comfortable in her own skin, enough to not have to censor herself around those she's comfortable with. My one caveat to that is you must be a lady in the streets.

That's the kind of shit I could roll with.

Labels: Hot Bitches, Movies, Music, TV

This is my barely coherent, rant on tattoos and piercings in popular culture today. Feel free to sound off on this. This is just my opinion.

You know, I remember exactly when it was that tattoos became a fashion statement. It was around 1997. I remember I was a junior in high school. I was sitting in Chemistry class and Dave Lacey, a 16-year old sophomore football player came into class with a blue & gold tattoo around his bicep.

This was it. Tattoos had officially become part of popular culture. When a 16-year old's parents authorize him to get a tattoo, it's no longer tabooo.

Right around then, the popularity of body art had really exploded. Camryn Manheim (The Practice) had eighty-nine earrings in her ear, Rosanna Arquette (Pulp Fiction) had 16 various piercings. Kids wanted to follow along. Tribal tattoos, barbed wire tattoos, and nipple, eyebrow, nose, belly button, clitoral piercings and tongue studs were the latest trends in the mid-to-late nineties.

I remember there was this wannabe rebel freshman girl who was in the choir. She was a really excellent soprano. She had every chance to excel, but somehow had that mental wiring that made her sabotage everything good. She started hinting to the choir director that she wanted to get a piercing. She would drop questions like, "If I get a tongue stud, how will that affect my voice?" The response was, "If you get a tongue stud, you're out of my choir." So of course she got the stud.

Anyway, back to the point. It used to be that a tattoo was a badge of rebellion. If you were a dude and you got a tat, you were a bad ass, hands down. Before then, you only got a tattoo if you were in prison or in the Navy.

If you were a chick and you had a tattoo (which was almost unheard of), you were a total slut. Usually in the good way. If it was on your ass, you could be that librarian/secretary in public, but a wildcat behind closed doors. You know what I mean?

That's how it used to be, anyway.

In the nineties, every drunken fratboy had a barbed wire tattoo or tribal patterns. Every chick had a flower or a dolphin in the small of her back or her ankle.

Nowadays, it's out of control. Tattoos used to mean something. Whether it was a badge of honor, or a display of passion or self expression. It was something.

Today everyone and their momma has a tattoo. Kids have nothing better to do. Tattoos are nothing more than an accessory. Something to go with their Prada handbag. 10 years ago the concept of having a cuff or a sleeve was reserved for those who were truly hardcore. Today, everyone is covered in tats. It's not uncommon to see people with more ink than skin.

It's just that tats and piercings are so commonplace in the new millennium, that they've lost all value. If someone says, "I have a tattoo" Yeah, well so does everybody. There's no shock value in anything anymore.

Tats would have gotten you disowned from your family ten years ago. Today, you could sit down at the family dinner table and discuss your fresh ink. It's so commercial that there are multiple television shows around tattoos artists.

PLEASE don't get me wrong.

I'm not against tattoos or piercings. I even have a few, myself. I have a treble clef on my left bicep, which means a great deal to me. It wasn't just a whim like people get. I had been planning on getting this symbol of my passion since I was a teenager. I have three piercings in my left ear, one in my right, and I've had my right eyebrow pierced more times than I can remember.

Anyone has the right to do whatever they want with their body. It's not my place to say what anyone else should do. It's just that people are getting more and tats which mean nothing to them. just because they saw something on TV. People get Chinese writing on their necks because it's trendy.

Ordinarily, I think tattoos on a woman can be ultra sexy if done tastefully and discreetly. One or two only. Small and somewhere like an ankle or the small of the back, or even on a hip. It's kind of like a little treasure. Not a friggin' billboard across your stomach.

I was at orientation for YellowBook and there was this girl with at least four tattoos below the sleeve line and two more on her neck. No one batted an eye.

I just wonder where we'll be in another ten years. Less and less shocks us. What is left? I've gone to strip clubs and seen strippers that were literally covered in tats. I wasn't even shocked. It's not so much about the tats themselves, but about how easily people will get them and the fact that it's of little or no consequence.

I don't know. That's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

Labels: Hot Bitches, Life, Philosophizing, Pop Culture, Rants, Society, Tattoos

I was downloading some music the other day And if any of you know me, I MUST have my album artwork for every track.

So I got some Alicia Keys remixes. To be more specific, Dance Vault Remixes - Diary. That's when I saw it. Oooooh.

The cover to this album has Alicia Keys topless (with her back to the camera). In the small of her back, which incidentally is THE sexiest part of a woman, next to the nape of her neck, she has a tattoo of two bass clefs opposing each other to form the shape of a heart.

Oh. My. God.

Damn, that's sexy. By now you should know my personal policy on female tattoos: in moderation. That's perfect. Already I'm in love with Alicia Keys, because Lawd Jeezus she's beautiful, and she's an amazing musician with a beautiful soul. The tattoo was merely the culmination. It matches perfectly with my treble clef on my own arm. Doesn't that sound like a match made in heaven? Alicia just made the top of the wifey list.

Now it would seem that the tattoo isn't real. Still. Just the thought of it is damn sexy. Here's another example of a temporary tattoo she was sporting in the small of her back that reads THINK 4 URSELF.

God Damn she is sexy. Think of the kind of person that would get a tattoo (permanent, magic marker, or otherwise) that would make a bold intellectual statement, not just a fashion statement.

Labels: Hot Bitches, Music, Tattoos

Man, I love British black chicks. There's just something about them that's just so damn sexy. Most of the hottest ones are half Nigerian. Don't know what I'm talking about? Check out these hotties:

Carmen Ejogo

I first saw Carmen in Metro alongside Eddie Murphy. God she was beautiful. So sweet and charming. Maybe it was the accent, but I could see how anyone could fall in love with her. Carmen later appears in the series Kidnapped. I haven't seen that series yet, only because I didn't know she was in it. I may have to start watching it now.

Pics of Carmen Ejogo

Marsha Thomason

Man, I saw this hottie first in Black Knight alongside Martin Lawrence. There was this scene where he and Marsha were both faking intercourse for the benefit of two guards posted outside Lawrence's chamber. She let out this moan that made me shiver. Even Martin had to pause and go, "Damn." Further hotness includes being a regular cast member on the NBC series, Las Vegas, now in syndication on TNT. She played a croupier, which all that was required of her was to deal cards and look sexy. The culmination of the hotness though, was her feature in the N.E.R.D. video She Wants to Move. Dammit, I say let her! She just tore that shit up!

The only complaint I have about her is that a few years ago, she got one or two tattoos. Ordinarily, I think tattoos on a woman can be ultra sexy if done tastefully and discreetly. One or two only. Small and somewhere like an ankle or the small of the back, or even on a hip. It's kind of like a little treasure. Not a friggin' billboard across the stomach. No question that her tats are demure, I just think it's a shame to decorate that flawless body.

You know come to think of it, I recall seeing her name credited alongside Eddie Murphy's for The Haunted Mansion, but I've never seen it. Kids movie.

Pics of Marsha Thomason

Scary Spice

And speaking of Eddie Murphy...how about his new baby momma, Scary Spice. You know, that guy must have the same affinity for British black chicks that I do. I remember back to like '95 when the Spice Girls came out. Everything about them sickened me. Their only redeeming quality in my eyes was merely the membership of Scary Spice. I didn't give a damn about any of the others; not Slut Spice, Stupid Spice, Dyke Spice, or Golddigger Spice-Beckham.

I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want... If I wanna be your lover, and i gotta get with your friends, I just may take the bullet for the team. Man, I remember she had great tits. no bra and a great ass. And the best part of all was a tongue stud, which in '95, may have been the reason for the moniker Scary Spice. Tongue studs were new and either you were with them or you were afraid of them.

She also had this kind of sweet charm when she wore her glasses. Kind of the school-teacher bookworm timid charm. But when the glasses came off, I bet she was a beast in the sack!

Pics of Scary Spice

Freema Agyeman

Playing Dr. Who's current companion Martha Jones, Freema Agyeman is just a gorgeous girl next door. She is the only thing that makes me watch Dr. Who. (Don't tell my dad) I've never been a Dr. Who fan, but my dad has been a fan since stone knives.

Pics of Freema Agyeman

Ebony Thomas

Ebony Thomas is a hot ass British Maxim model. She is known for her work on the soap, Family Affairs. I don't know her from that, or even what the hell that is, but just...look at her!

Pics of Ebony Thomas

Labels: Hot Bitches, Movies, Tattoos, TV

I was fooling around on the web today, and I stumbled across this hot Japanse model, Harumi Nemoto. I had never heard of her before. Granted I haven't been keeping up on my men's magazines, but thus far the name had eluded me.

Needless to say she is damn hot. Typically, Asians aren't my thing (more of a latino/mulatto man), but for this one I'll make an exception. She is seriously stacked. She's got at least E cups, which is really atypical for asians. She does a lot of these nice biker-type, leather & lace lingerie outfits. Really nice, dude.

Easy boys. She's just a model, so you probably won't see her on BustyAsians.com.

Labels: Hot Bitches

This is fun to do. It was just passed around MySpace. Just read the "offense" and if you've done it, you owe that fine. Keep going until you've read each "offense" and added up your total fine. Title your bulletin "My Bar Tab is $........" You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.

Smoked pot -- $10
Fo' shizzle, my nizzle. The stickiest of the icky, baby.

Did acid -- $5
Only once in Valley Forge Park. I swear I thought that bear was talking to me. He had some profound shit to say.

Ever had sex at church -- $25
Um, No. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Go directly to hell.

Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40
One day I'll tell you about the time I woke up in Voorhies, NJ.

Had sex with someone on My Space -- $25
Have never gotten the MySpace lay.

Had sex for money -- $100
Sadly I'm not a whore. Oh, who am I kidding? If you've got the money, honey...

Ever had sex with the a Puerto Rican -- $20
She was half Puerto Rican. Does that count? Do I only add $10?

Vandalized something -- $20
You know how it says 'AEON' on that overpass on 202 N around Devon? Yet, despite what people think, I was NOT the one tagging BPT all over town and I did NOT spray paint "Kiss my Black Ass!" on the side of the High School building.

Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Ewww! No.

Beat up someone -- $20
Stomped the ever-lovin monkey shit out of someone.

Been jumped -- $10
Been jumped for so many reasons. Mistaken identity, random drunken beating...

Crossed dressed -- $10
Hey, it was powder puff football. Everybody did it. The football team, the cheerleaders, and the marching band. ;-)

Given money to stripper -- $25
Everything I had and more. Damn you.

Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Yeah. What was I thinking?

Kissed some one who's name you didn't know --$10
Yeah that's happened. ...And what's your name?

Hit on someone of the same sex while at work-- $15
Sorry, don't swing that way. Whether it's at work or not.

Ever drive drunk -- $20
Not too drunk. Sure after I've had a few, I've noticed my judgement's impaired. I'm a little more careful. Never pissy drunk, though.

Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
Used to do that every Friday. Still would If I still worked there.

Used toys while having sex -- $30
No ass clowns, please.

Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
I refer back to the Voorhies, NJ story.

Went skinny dipping -- $5
Nah, no pools (at the time)

Had sex in a pool -- $20
Splish splash, baby. ;-)

Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Alright once, but only to mess with his mind. Yecch!

Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
HEEEELLLLLLLs NO!

Cheated on your significant other -- $10
I never cheat.

Masturbated -- $10
Come on. I'm masturbating right now.

Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend --$20
Again, I've never cheated.

Done oral -- $5
I eat pussy with chopsticks.

Got oral -- $5
Hells yes.

Done / got oral in a car while it was moving -- $25
Wow. That would be hard to give oral in a moving car. Unless it wasn't the driver.

Stole something -- $10
I used to be a master thief. Only ever got caught a handful of times. And on the stupidest stuff, though. $150 fine for a bottle of Yoohoo.

Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
No man-bitch prison he-sex. I hear there's no cuddling after. Just a lot of tears.

Made a nasty home video -- $15
Never got freaky with a camera.

Had a threesome -- $50
In my youth.

Had sex in the wild -- $20
The wild? I guess Valley Forge Park counts. With the deer onlooking.

Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
Sadly, yes.

Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $20
Damn straight.

Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
No Mrs. Robinsons in my past.

Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25
No Woody Allen moments, either.

Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
I'm pretty monagymous

Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
Yes. See above (stripper). Also didn't say I loved someone when I did.

Went streaking -- $5
I don't think you're ready for this jelly.

Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
Never exactly had that particular urge.

Been arrested -- $5
Yes, fuckers.

Spent time in jail -- $15
Yes. Jail is not prison. There IS a difference.

Peed in the pool -- $0.50
Welcome to our OOL. You'll notice that there is no 'P' in it. Please keep it that way.

Played spin the bottle -- $5
I remember the first time I played that. In the parking lot behing the Denny's in King of Prussia. I got to kiss Kelly Blaugh. Damn she was hot. Fuck I'm a good kisser. Made my millennium.

Done something you regret -- $20
Falling in love with a stripper.

Had sex with your best friend -- $20
An interesting quandary. I think your lover should be your best friend. So yes.

Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $25
Never dip my pen in the company ink. Thought about it. But never did it.

Had anal sex -- $80
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Lied to your mate -- $5
Only the standard little lies. You know. No, that dress doesn't make you look fat.

Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25
It's never bad! (That's not necessarily true)


O. K , now tally up your answers, then, click forward to send to the all of the people you want to take the test...... In the subject of you forward put your "My Bar Tab Is... (your total) Now send to all your friends and back to the person who sent it to you.

Labels: Blogging, Comedy, Games, Hot Bitches, MySpace, Strip clubs

Just saw my girl Nathalie Kelley in a Schick Quattro for women commercial. Looking just as cute as ever. She doesn't say anything but she just walks across a room and looks at herself in thee mirror.

I think the commercial is just a few years old which explains why I thought I saw her before.

I was pleasantly surprised to see her.

Labels: Advertising, Hot Bitches, TV

Yeesh.

I have been downloading far too much porn lately. Although, is that really a bad thing?

I find one actress and it becomes an obsessive search. I must have ALL her work. I must have her. OK, maybe that's pushing it ;)

Lately I've been using BitTorrent, Kazaa, anything I can, finding works from the following starlets:

• Nautica Thorn
• Adriana Sage
• Aliana Love
• Aurora Jolie
• Sativa Rose

I think I've actually burnt myself out on pron for a good long while. Didn't think that could actually happen.

Labels: Hot Bitches

I love summer. :)

Boy, the women are out today. I was out having a smoke break today and this Asian woman with great tits walks out of the gym that's next to my job today. She had just got out of the shower so she was still wet. She was wearing this low-cut jogging outfit. Nice. Really nice, dude. Typically, Asians aren't my thing, but this one was exceptional.

Later, I was out having another smoke break, and this older broad walks out of the gym with the firmest ass I've ever seen on a white woman. She was wearing this tight blue sweatsuit. Man, oh man!

When the women are out wearing less and less...I love summertime. :)

Labels: Hot Bitches, Summer, Work

OK, I had been ever hesitant to write about this subject, but this is enough!

So, as some of you know, I had been seeing this stripper. You will recall reading about it in my December 2006 blog entry titled, "Out with Jade".

God she was amazing. But she drove me frikkin nuts. I knew the risks getting involved with a stripper from the start. I chose to do it anyway as an altruistic gesture. I wanted to help put her life back together. There were many things that (I won't go into detail here, because that's her personal business) she needed help with. She sincerely wanted to get out of the life and become a productive member of society.

The first month together was beautiful. God it was a love fest. We would spend hours just talking. There was this diner that we used to go to every night. We would stay there till 6 in the morning some nights. We would watch movies together and go shopping and act a fool in the Giant together. I was intoxicated by this girl. Everyone said we were such a cute couple.

I had always remained somewhat skeptical about us, though. I mean, what the hell is this fine-ass girl doing with the likes of me? I was always cautious of if she was playing me for my money. So of course, yes, I was giving her money. But money always for a purpose, not to spend frivolously. I helped her get her car fixed. I helped her get an apartment that she could afford. I helped her find a 9-5 gig. I helped her with her child. I "helped" her so much, that I damn near went broke myself. It takes a lot to start a life from scratch. I never ever got the sense that she was actively playing me for my money. I mean, let's be real. There's easier and quicker ways for a stripper to get all my money, you know? I gave a lot of myself so that this girl could have her second chance at a life that everyone dreams about.

OK, so now we're into the second month (February), and I'm effectively living with this girl. This month was a complete mirror image of the first. There was so much that I did for her that went unappreciated. I'll just leave it at that. There were too many things to enumerate. The arguments that made no sense. The needless fights. I had reached my breaking point. I grabbed only the shit that was important to me from her apartment (my laptop, my cell phone, a couple of DVD's) and I was out. I had enough. I didn't even care about the stuff that I left behind. Furniture, TV, Playstation(s). I was that fed up. I couldn't take the emotional roller coaster anymore.

This relationship was bad for me. I was helping her, but way at the expense of myself. There was a saying that I always used to say to her, "If it ain't good for you, and it ain't good to you, there's no reason you should be doing it." I had always used the fact that I was helping her put together a life to keep that from applying to me. I had really lowered my threshold, but there was only so much I could take.

I left that night, and I was alright if I would never see her again. We had a big fight, she threw things, but ultimately, I was gone. Just to mark the date, this was March 3rd. Remember this date.

After a couple of days, she had gotten a hold of a cell phone and started calling me incessantly. I would ignore all calls coming in. She would call me every day about 4 times a day. She would leave me different voicemail messages. Some were "Please come back.", some were "I miss you", some were "I love you", and some were "This is childish how you're not speaking to me". She would even get her friends to call me and leave voicemails. I deleted them. Why? Because in absolutely none of those messages were the words, "I'm sorry."

Let me explain some of this, because it makes me sound like a dick for not speaking to her. This girl never took responsibility for her own actions. It was never her own fault. It was always someone else's. This girl had never developed an emotional maturity past age 16. Everything I tried to do for her, she reacted like a 16-year old. She rebelled against everything that would have made sense to an adult. In this role, I became Daddy, the father that she never had. First, I'm not anybody's daddy. Second I'm certainly not a grown woman's daddy. The only thing that she understands is to be treated like a 16-year old, so that's what I did. I never picked up the phone when she called. Not once.

I figured she'd get the hint that I was through after a while. I wanted nothing further to do with her. I genuinely didn't care that she didn't have money, or that her rent was due. Yes, I felt guilty, but I could not sacrifice any more of myself. She had blown a good thing.

So this calling every day thing went on for about another month. That takes us through the end of March. There were times when I wouldn't receive a call for a couple of days and I though she got the hint. No such luck.

So now it's April and the call frequency had gotten smaller, but nevertheless, SHE'S STILL CALLING! Now she only calls on the weekends. Oy vey! I can't take any more of this. I changed my cell phone number. That should put an end to it.

You would think. Evidently she got a hold of my home phone number, which I didn't even have a land line when I was seeing her. I guess I should have made the number unpublished when I signed up for service with Verizon. Not ten days after I change my cell phone number, I get a voicemail on my home phone. Guess who.

So now we're up to May. She's taken only to calling around the 1st of the month. Gee, I wonder why. The money well has dried up. Bear in mind, I haven't seen or spoken to her since the night I left...in March! Around June 1st, when she called, I had developed a theory. Let's see if she only calls around the 1st of the month. Sure enough...

I get a call this morning at 6AM! I recognize the number on the caller ID. It's her! I hear the voicemail. "Oh, hey. It's me. Just wanted to see if you were up. Call me. Bye"

Un-fucking-believable!

All casual and shit. Just like, "Hey". Do you believe this bullshit!?!?

That was the last straw. I don't need this bullshit. Especially with my father in the hospital and shit. I'm changing my home phone number, and having it unlisted just as soon as I pay my bill. I can't believe how long this has gone on. It's damn near JULY! Why doesn't this girl get the message? It's like every time I start thinking about moving on with my life and going out again, dammit, she shows back up. I can't have her looming over my head anymore. I have to excise her entirely from my life.

Some would say, you play with fire, you're going to get burned. I had always kept the hope that I could change her because she wanted to be changed. I see now that there's just no hope for her. I wish there was something more I could do for her, but there's little I can do other than making sure she sees a mental health professional.

I would like to personally thank bloggers Mike I. and Derrick W. for their advice and their experiences in this type of situation. They, among others, warned me. Even though I knew what I was getting into, avoiding getting played, I got played in other ways.

My mother has a saying, "Sometimes, the juice ain't worth the squeeze."
My father has a saying, "Sometimes, the fucking you're getting, ain't worth the fucking you're getting."

Labels: Dating, Hot Bitches, Rants, Strip clubs

After spending the last month or two upgrading the infrastructure/architecture of my sites which include waldoland.com and robertmayo.com, I've finally reached the point where I can officially say I'm at a stable release point. .Net 2.0: code complete! Woo Hoo!

As some of you may know, I've been working feverishly on new content and features for my site. I had spent so much time coding, that I forgot to have fun on the site. Of course for me, coding is fun so, there you have it. Here's a sneak peek at some of the new features forthcoming.

• Hottie of the week

  Every week I'm going to post about who is the hottest little number in music, movies, & television. You can check out a brief bio, vote and rate the hottie.

• Drunk movie of the week

  Everyone needs to know what the best movie to watch on a Friday night when you're drunk is.

• MP3 Library

  I'm going to list EVERY track in my vast MP3 collection. Guests will be able to browse and search the tracks in my collection. Registered users will be able to build personal playlists of tracks which I might compile for them.

• Surveys

  I frequently see surveys out there, for example on MySpace, which are just fun to read. I've decided I'm going to take some of them and share with the world. A preview of one of my favorite surveys is here.

• Polls

  I'm going to put up opinion polls, shooting for about one a week. Topics would range from personal experiences to the latest trends in media, fashion, & entertainment.

• Reviews

  I'm going to give my reviews of the latest movies, music, & video games I've acquired. People need to know if things are a good buy or not.

Labels: Hot Bitches, Movies, Music, Web Development

...but Gene Simmons' daughter, Sophie is not that bad lookin'. Although she is like 15.

Labels: Hot Bitches, TV

Why isn't the chick from The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, Nathalie Kelley, in more stuff. God, she is gorgeous.

It looks like she is slated to do some more work this year, but it's just mindboggling why we haven't seen more of her. Maybe she's done more foreign film work. She appears to be Australian.

Good lawd. I tell you what, If I ever make a movie, she's number one on my cast list.

Labels: Hot Bitches

So I watched X-Men III: The Last Stand about fifty times over the weekend. I had forgotten exactly how sexy that movie was.

Man, the fight scenes between Callisto (Dania Ramirez) and Storm (Halle Berry)...just fucking hot! That sweet ass Dominican with the Bronx accent against that fine ass Halle Berry all clad in tight-ass leather. Truly the times when I'm thankful for the rewind button.

Mmm. Just a whole lotta sexy.

Watch the video of Callisto vs. Storm on YouTube

Vs.

Labels: Hot Bitches, Movies

What the hell am I doing?

OK, so I had settled in for a nice night of XBOX 360. I had some really tender and juicy ribs made for dinner that I was about to tear into. Just an average Tuesday.

I decided to give Jade a call around 7:30, just because she had called me earlier that day on my cell and I had missed the call. I wanted to get in touch with her before she possibly went in to work that night. I stepped outside and dialed her up on my cell. I don't know, I find there's more privacy outdoors than inside sometimes.

So we made small talk for a little bit. You know, how are you?, how's your day been going?, oh, nothing much, just fine. Then she drops a bomb on me.

OK, so maybe not a bomb, but definitely a surprise. She told me that she might be getting fired from Double Visions. I asked her why. She told me that she was having problems with the management and some of the other girls there. She told me she worked at 7th Heaven on day shift and only made a stinking $20. I sympathized with her. The next thing I know, she's asking me out for coffee or dinner.

Shhyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

On the outside, I politely said, "Sure, I'd love to."
On the inside, I shouted, "HELL MUTHA FUCKIN' YES, GAT DAMMIT!!!"

I could tell she just needed someone to talk to. Hey, strippers are people, too. She even offered to pay for dinner. She suggested we meet at Casablanca. I had never had Moroccan food, but I didn't really give a shit.

I hung up with her and fucking RACED upstairs to go freshen up some. I flew out the door like a bat out of hell. Left the ribs out, the TV & XBOX on, all the lights in the house on. I got some gas and was screaming down the turnpike. Damn near took out a tractor-trailer. I told Jade to look for me around 9. What can I say, the place is in Warrington. That's kind of a hump. But honestly, If you knew this girl like I know this girl, you'd fucking walk the 35 miles to be with her. The whole way I was driving thinking, "I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but I'm exciteder than a mutha fucker to find out."

So I met up with her at Casablanca. It was a very cozy atmosphere. Our waiter was the best. He was so friendly. He did his thing washing our hands with rose water. You could really tell he enjoyed what he did. They gave us sooooo much food. Good thing I left those ribs behind.

BTW, the Moroccan food was great if you're looking for something exotic. But it's f***ing expensive. Expect to pay like $35/person. Also, you traditionally have to eat everything with your hands, but they were kind enough to give us forks at this place.

We talked for hours. We just sat close to each other and talked. I was on my guard, knowing her profession, but it was relaxing knowing that what we do and say when she's working could be left at work. We could be ourselves. Outside of work she was so sweet and vulnerable. She was so cute picking up the food with her hands and giggling. I was my usual charming self. We sat comfortably for hours well after the place closed. I couldn't take my eyes off her. And I don't mean her ass. I did want to hold her close and lay her head on my chest and kiss her. Something told me she would have gone for it, but that wasn't what she was looking for. I had to resist that urge.

I kept my guard up looking for some of the usual signs of being manipulated. I'm happy to report that Jade seemed very genuine. Believe me, I'm very skeptical and cynical. Remember stupid, but not that stupid. And besides, there are much easier ways to get money or anything else from me.

After we left, I walked her to her car and gave her a hug and a kiss goodnight. I told her to call me tomorrow. I wanted to see her again. All in all, I didn't know what to expect going in, but it actually turned out to be one of the better dates I've had.

Labels: Dating, Hot Bitches, Night life

This post contains adult-related material.

So I decided to check out 7th Heaven in Conshohocken last night (and before you ask, no, not the gay-ass tv show).
Not bad. Not bad at all.

Let me tell you. There's nothing that will make you feel better than the company of a really good stripper or two. Nothing that will boost your ego or your self esteem like that.

I decided to go on a whim. I needed something to get my mind off Jenn (yes, I was still thinking about her). I didn't dress up much at all, but I still looked good. Threw on my new Flyers (Gagne) shirt, my leather jacket and my Kangol. Damn I'm sexy! :) I get more ass from that Kangol than a car seat.

First, if you don't know your way around Conshy, don't go. I hadn't been in a while and I was tired to begin with when I left. Stupid me, I missed the turn for Elm Street (Which I knew was right after you cross the bridge on Fayette street, but for some reason, my brain decided not to activate). I ended up in Ambler before I realized that I was nowhere near my turn. I had to flip a U-ie into Plymouth Meeting, come down Chemical Road and head back into Conshy. The bar is on Hector Street, which if you don't know is one-way (in the opposite direction) for most of it, so you have to go down Elm Street (which runs parallel and is also partially one-way) until it ends, then turn left and right to get to Hector Street at a point where it is 2-way. You go like a block or two and there it is on the left with a big red and green neon sign. Hard to miss.

Anyway, I got there, I parked. Cool. I got out of the truck and headed for the front door. I figure an establishment such as this isn't going to have a big grand entrance with velvet ropes and shit. It's in the middle of Conshy. I walked up to what seemed to be the front door (a nondescript door on the front side of the building, right?), but it was locked. This can't be. It's Saturday night and it's only 11 o'clock. I walked around the building to what appeared to be an equally nondescript kitchen door and voila! Door opened. Damn, could the entrance be any harder to find?

I walked into the bar and the first thing I saw was a tall old black dude asking me for an $8 cover. Not bad. I handed him a twenty and he handed me two ones, a five, and a very tight bundle of five singles that seemed ready for something. He had a stack of singles that were manicured (bundled into packs of five) like this. This was a good sign.

The place itself was kind of a dive. But no different than any other local dive you may go to (except for the strippers). It's not classy or upscale. If you're looking for that, then don't go here. Go to Delilah's or somewhere like that. I kept hearing awful things about it, but it's the same shit everywhere you go, really. One of the things I heard were that the bathrooms were atrocious. They weren't nearly that bad. I wouldn't drop a deuce there, but there was nothing sickening about them.

So I saddled up to the bar and staked out a spot right on the corner. It was a Saturday night, so it was crowded. There wasn't really an empty chair in sight. There was a chair directly to the left of me with no one sitting in it, but it looked like someone's seat. There were cigarettes, a beer, and some money still on the bar. I waited for a couple minutes just standing, but it didn't look like he was coming back anytime soon, so I stole his chair and got comfy. Of course two minutes later, here he comes. I immediately offered to return his seat, but he was insistent on me keeping it. Nice guy. Old white guy. About 50's, very drunk and very friendly. He babbled something incoherent about the Eagles and I just placated him until he stopped talking to me.

I ordered myself a brew and got comfortable. BTW, there were two bartenders and they were both looking pretty good. There was one that was really friendly. She was nice, but only mildly hot. There was the other one, who had a little bit of an attitude, but she was shit hot! God she was really nice. Nice little Italian body, dark hair cute as hell. She kind of had that stank attitude like she had been on her feet all day, been serving dumbasses, sleazes, and drunk pervs all day, and was just waiting for her shift to be over. I saw these two college-age drunken dumbasses immediately to my right bothering her, trying to get her to smile and I could see the attitude rising to the surface. She was doing her best to ignore them. The other, not quite as hot, bartender came over and was like, "Don't worry. She's like that to everyone." I don't know. That kind of made her even hotter to me.

OK, so I've got a seat at the bar, I've got a brew, and I'm readly to enjoy myself. Ladies and gentlemen, direct your eyes to center stage, please. The bar is this kind of a ring and the stage is in the center of the bar. They had about a dozen or more girls dancing in a rotation. Two girls dancing on stage at all times. Here's how the rotation works:

Two girls onstage at all times. Girl 1 and Girl 2. After one song is over, Girl 1 collects her things off the stage and comes off. Girl 2 moves into position 2 on the stage and a new dancer, Girl 3 gets on stage into position 1. The next song plays and when it's over Girl 2 collects her things and Girl 3 moves into position 2. A new dancer comes on into posiiton one. They keep going like this all night unless a dancer gets requested for a private dance, in which case the dancer behind her moves up in the rotation.

I know WAY too much about this.

Anyway, So I'm enjoying the show. Of the first two dancers on stage, one was a sista with a bangin' little body and the other was a tall white blonde with pretty big tits. When a dancer is through with her two songs and rotates offstage, she then circulates around the bar trying to get tips. Because of where I was situated at the bar, I was prime for getting hit up for tips. The dancers leave the bar and right at the exit is the old guy from whom I stole his chair. He's a bit of a dirty old coot, mooching kisses and grabbing the girls, but it's kind of harmless and I think the girls liked making him happy. One girl would grind on him, then grind on me while he watched. Kind of took me by surprise, but who's complaining. He seems like a real regular, like he's in there every day.

Well if he's first, guess who's next. Every girl would walk behind me and touch me in some way. You know rub my back or massage my shoulders and neck or something and just saddle up right next to me. You know I like that kind of touch, and they could probably sense that about me. All the girls were very friendly and personable. I mean I know it's their job, they're trying to get tips, but I didn't feel like I was being harassed just for a dollar, you know? They would ask me personal questions like, "What's your name?" and "How have your holidays been going?" "Doing a lot of shopping?" They would tell me something about themselves. They were very nice girls. None of them had attitudes or anything like they expext you to give them a dollar. It's those subtle things that I appreciate. Knowing I'm getting hustled but not feeling like I'm getting hustled.

I was very polite. I gave every girl a dollar when she came around to me and engaged them in a little bit of conversation, even if I didn't find their show all that great. There were a couple of girls who I just didn't find appealing. Not that there was anything wrong with them, they just didn't appeal to me. You know I don't like the skinny ones too much.

Although there was one dancer who was a complete pig. She must have been about 40. Big gut, little tits, white. Just ecch! But I gave her a dollar anyway. I tried not to engage her in too much conversation. The less I talk to you, the sooner you'll go away.

There was also this one other white girl, must have been about 19. She wasn't altogether terrible. She would have been kind of pretty in aother setting. Had kind of a girl next door quality, Sweet, you know?. Unfortunately she had the Suicide Girl/goth/Rob Zombie white-girl dreadlocks down to her butt that were dyed red. Such a turn-off in general, but especially for a stripper. When she came up to me looking for tips, I was already trying to ignore her. She was telling me this sob story about how this guy was trying finger her earlier that night. Oh poor little stripper girl. Boo hoo. Comes with the job. I could tell she was just trying to get the feel-sorry-for-me tips. I gave her a dollar just to get away from me and went back to watching the stage show.

Don't get me wrong. The other dozen or two girls were great. Just one or two that were bowsers. What do you expect from a club in Conshy?

There was also this one clumsy bitch that tried to do a pole trick and fucking fell and lost a shoe. There's nothing funnier than a clumsy stripper. I think I was the only one who saw her fall, though. She quickly recovered and tossed the other shoe away (Much like the ketchup at the Sixers game incident). She writhed on the floor like she meant to be down there. You and I both know the truth. :) That shit was funny.

So at first when dancers would come up to me for tips, I was really careful. I didn't know the club's policy about touching. The first couple dancers that hit me up, I placed a dollar in their bra strap being sure not to touch anything else. Since every dancer was showing me their cleavage to accept the tip, I tried to sneak in an extra touch. No one blinked. Evidently at this club it's ok. It's just part of getting the tip, allowing the guy a quick feel, not a grope, as he slips you a tip. Some girls would even turn around and lift up there skirts and let me put it in their G-String. One of them even let me put in one "for the kitty".

I gave everyone a dollar. If the dancer gave an above average or spectacular show on stage, or her body looked really good, I gave her a little more. There were some girls whose bodies were just bananas. Just didn't make no damn sense how good looking thse girls were. Way more than I expected for a club in Conshy.

Remember the girls I mentioned were first onstage when I walked in? The sista saddled up to me about 45 minutes later after she danced again. Oh I could tell she liked me. Damn this sista was bangin'! About 5'3". Sexy little chocolate drop. I don't usually go for darker-skinned sistas, I usually like the caramel/mocha colored sistas, but I couldn't resist this one. Beautiful smile. Cute as shit. No flies on her. Tight, sexy ass. And she knew how to make it clap. Breasts were a little smaller than I like (You all should know I like big tits, C/D cup by now), but shit who cares? They were nice and perky B-cups. She told me her name was Carly. She saw me when I walked in. She told me little cute personal things about herself. You could tell she liked what she did. She offered to private dance for me a little later. I said, "Shit, yeah"

So she disappeared for a while. There was another little honey dip that had a bangin' body. She was flat-chested, but otherwise beatiful. Mocha skin. Cute little thin lips. I found her fascinating because when she would dance, she would hardly ever take off her clothes. She also wore a lot of lingerie, as opposed to your typical stripper fare. Very sexy. She had a killer ass on her, though. When she got off stage and circulated over to me, she kicked up a nice little bit of conversation. Her name was Jade. When I talked to her, she was kind of ho-hum about being there. I found if I asked how a dancer's night was going, I tended to get that ho-hum answer. I guess being a dancer is kind of a grind (No pun intended). I stopped asking that question. I made her laugh a little and put a smile on her face. I asked her if I could get a private dance from her. She asked me to let her dance one more time and then we'll go. Cool. Bear in mind Carly hasn't come back yet.

So, I've got two private dances in the cue. Carly gets called back to the stage. It's her slot in the rotation. When she gets off, she circulates around the bar, but goes the other way, which would end with me. I think she got held up by a bunch of brothas on the other side of the bar. Jade gets back on stage and dances her two songs. (Her slot in the rotation is only a couple after Carly's) Jade comes off and approaches me. She says, I'm gonna go upstairs and change and I'll be right with you. I was intrigued at the promise of new sexy lingerie.

Errgh! More waiting. Shit I'm ready to go. Not that I'm terribly mad. How can you be in a place like that? :) So for the next 10 mins. I'm eyeballing the staircase leading to the dressing rooms, waiting for Jade to come down. Every dancer that came down got my hopes up. Let me tell you, when you're waiting for a private dance, 10 minutes seems like an eternity.

By the time Jade came down, Carly had grabbed me. Oh well. I didn't actually know how much the private dances were in this joint, but I was expecting $25. I was pleasantly surprised when they were only $20. Carly was great. She took me into the private dance lounge, sat me down in a chair and went to work. God she had a sexy body. I knew the rules, sit there and keep your hands to yourself. I couldn't help turning up my hands and trying to feel something when she would rub herself on me. Oh, god her skin was so soft. At least it wasn't overt. She would grind all over me and moan. Aww shit. She would tell me how she loved big men and that she loved to climb all over me. I was in heaven. She would do little things that drove me nuts like play with my ears or give me ever so subtle moans. They were almost cat-like purrs. She would tell me how I made her nipples so hard. God damn I was turned on. She had such a perfect little chocolate body. The curves in her back and her perfect little belly button, mmm. I wanted to lick her all over, but I behaved myself.

Then there were the extras she would do to me. She would basically sit on my face and pop her ass. She would turn around and pound her ass into my crotch. This was the best dry hump ever. She would basically give me an over-the-pants hand-job as she danced for me. She had no problems with grabbing my dick for just a lapdance.

Let me explain something right now. No stripper will EVER do this to you. Don't ever expect this type of thing from any strip bar. A private dance will get you some nice grinding, maybe, but no stripper will do anything more. This girl is one of the special ones that really enjoys what she does. I told you, Carly liked me a little more than just trying to get tips. Granted I'm dumb, but I ain't that dumb. Trust me on this.

During my private dance with Carly, another guy was getting one in a chair relatively close to me. His dancer was asking him personal questions like, "So what do you do?" I heard him answer, "I'm a school teacher. I teach high school." I though to myself...wouldn't it be some shit if someone you recognized caught your ass in here? I mean there's nothing wrong with getting a lapdance, but if your students found out, you'd never hear the end of it. I just had to chuckle.

After one dance, she asked me, "You want another one, baby?" to which I promptly replied, "Hell mutha-fuckin' yes!"

During my second dance with Carly, I saw Jade walk into the lounge with some other brotha. She sat him down right next to me. I was thinking to myself, "Don't worry. I'll get at you later. Right now, you can kind of audition for me. Free preview." As hard (difficult) as it was to take my eyes off Carly, I would glance over at Jade dancing with this brotha, workin' that ass!. I was having a hell of a time.

After a couple of dances with Carly. I went back to the bar and let Carly get back in the rotation. I told her don't worry. I was fittin' to run her, Jade, and this other dancer with an incredible ass named Fantasy all night. So I went back to my couple of drinks and watched the show. Jade finished with her dude and rolled back up on me. She playfully said, "You cheated on me.". I told her, "You left me high and dry." I couldn't wait forever, but I tried to make it up to her. I told her after she danced onstage next, I would be all hers.

I really did mean to.

When Carly was on stage she kept staring at me longingly. I know she was just throwing her attention my way to try and get me to get more dances, but shit, I didn't mind. When you think about it, you're trying to get tips from these guys at the bar when you're done on stage, but a private dance is guaranteed money for considerably less time and effort. When Carly got off stage this time, she took me into the lounge for more private dances. She was so good, especially with the extras that I was pretty convinced that no one else would do, how could I resist?

Carly would tell me more things like how much she loved to fuck and cum. She wanted me to tell her my fantasies because it turned her on. I knew it was bullshit, but I went along with it. I told her I wanted to eat her pussy like a peach and just suck on it for hours. She told me it tasted like vanilla. Good God, Magnum! She told me how one wold think that when she leaves the club, she could just go right out and fuck, but she just doesn't get the opportuninty. She ends up turning herself on and having to go home and finish herself off. I told her, "Shyiiiiiiiiiit. I'd be the first mutha fucker in line to help you with that."

Unfortunately, I ended up snubbing Jade again. I had Carly dancing for me until the place closed. Baby, I'm sorry. I will make it up to you I promise. Just let me know when you're working again. I will be back.

Overall I had a great fucking time. That was just what I needed. I was quietly going insane and I needed some kind of release (not just sexual).

Labels: Bars, Hot Bitches, Night life, Strip clubs

Labels: Geekdom, Hot Bitches, Star Wars

Good lord, the things I would do to Rosario Dawson if given half a chance.

Rosario, watch out. I'm gonna make you my wifey.
Insert stalker manifesto here.

Labels: Hot Bitches

I'm so jazzed. Not only are they releasing Clerks 2, but it also has Rosario Dawson. Shit yeah!! Boy, the things I would do to her. :P

This should be awesome. I can't wait to see how fat and old Jeff Anderson and Brian O'Halloran have gotten. Doesn't it bother you that I know the actors' names off the top of my head? I'm going to see this as soon as it comes out. World, are you with me?

To think, it's only been 10 years and Dante and Randall still work at the Quick-Stop and RST Video respectively. Well, at least it seems until Randall burns it down and they are forced to work at Mooby's. That's all I can gleen of the plot from the commercial, anyway.

It seems weird that they only started advertising this like a couple minutes before the premiere. Maybe I just hadn't seen it, but it seems that something that began such a large cult following (the 1st Kevin Smith film), would have a bigger advertising buzz. I guess it's early yet. We all know how Miramax is; they'll produce anybody's movie. ;)

Labels: Hot Bitches, Movies