So I was buying some new clothes last night at the Casual Male XL. I'm just looking around. I usually know what I want.

In walk these three South Philly Guidos. Three loud, fat, sloppy-looking bastards. They come blustering in the door like, "Yo, I heard you gots dem underwears for us!" They were loud, rude, ignorant, and obnoxious. They wandered around the store like they had never been in a Big & Tall store, much less a Men's Store before. I could smell the cheesesteaks seeping through their pores.

They would drop little gems, like, "Yeah, we needs to get summadem thermal underwears. We're freezing our asses off. I'm gonna put summa dese on right now. I need some underwears on." and "Do yous gots summadem diuretic socks?"
"Look at these ties they made for us!"

They kept trying to finagle coupons and discounts out of the clerk.
"They mailed me a coupon, so it should be in the system"
    "Sir, you have to bring in the coupon so I can honor it. I can't do anything if you don't bring it in."
"Well, it should be 75% off. The sign out front says You gots 75% off on things."
    "Yes sir, the things marked as 75% off have tickets stating so."

So I'm politely waiting for these guys to leave so I can make my purchases. The entire time I'm laughing my ass off quietly at how ignorant these guys are.

Anyway, Once these guys leave, I make my way to the register. As I'm ringing out, I start flirting with the clerk that was working. You know, my little charming act. You know me, smooth as hell. ;-)
"Will there be anything else today, sir?"
    "Actually, I was looking at these patent leather loafers over here. I was wondering if you had them in a size 11?"
"Oh, you like these? These are nice. Let me look in the back for you."
...
"Well, I'm afraid I don't, but I do have these other loafers in an 11."
    "Well, I really liked these patent leather ones."
"Oh, you like the patent leather, huh? Yeah I like the shiny, too."
    "Yeah, well, you know. I got to keep it shinin'"

Oh, she was eating it up.

"Yeah, you have good taste."
    "Well, I know what I like."
"I can tell by your purchases, you know how to dress. And you're not afraid of a little splash of color."
    "Yeah, I can put a little something together."
"Ooh, and look at these pants and this belt. You really know what's good."
    "Yeah, I've been looking for a grommet belt for a while. You know what would really be fly, is if you guys had a pyramid studded belt."
"Well, let me know what you'd like, and I'll tell my manager. We'll see what we can do about getting that in for you."

We also spent a little time laughing at those Guidos who just left.

"Did you see how they were trying to get over on me?."
    "Yeah, I saw that."
"I can't do anything about the prices marked."
    "I know, they just can't read."
"Let me see if I can hook you up with a couple of 'specials'."
    "Bet."
...
    "So what's your name?"
"Oh, my name's ******"
    "It was good to meet you."
"Oh, I hope you come back soon. I'll be here all week. Let me carry those bags for you."

Now she could have just let me pay full price for my purchases, seeing as she was a little aggravated it how those Guidos were trying to squeeze out nonexistent discounts for ultimately $50 worth of underwear. But because I was flirting with her, engaging her like a person not a clerk, she hooked me up with five $50 shirts for $19.99 each. That's a hookup.

So what did we learn from this?

A little flirting, a little nicety goes a long way. People in the retail and service industries are typically treated like tools; even nuisances. They are ignored or mistreated by the impatient masses. They appreciate it so much. I had no interest in this girl. And I certainly wasn't trying to pick someone up in the Casual Male XL. But look at how the Guidos treated her. Rude, crass, ignorant. She just wanted to get them out of the store as fast as she could. Now me, a little flirting and she was hooking me up left and right, even carried my bags out the store. Look at the mileage I got from it. That certainly wasn't my intent, either. I was simply being myself, who is a nice engaging guy to talk to.

The next time you're in a restaurant, or in a retail store, show some kindness. Talk to the person who's taking care of you. See what a difference treating someone like a person makes. They will bend over backwards to make you satisfied. My mother is the exact same way. She makes friends everywhere she goes out of the wait staff or salespeople. Because of that, they remember her everywhere she goes and they go out of their way to ensure she's taken care of.







DISCLAIMER:
I make no aspersions on the Italian people as a whole. Italians are a rich beautiful people with a deep cultural heritage.
I do not think of all Italians in the way described in this post, nor do I casually use the term 'Guido'.
In fact, some of my favorite people are Italian. Gina, you know I love ya :)
The slobs in this particular case were truly deserving of the term, 'Guido'.
Please don't hold that against me, but rather against those three guys that could embarrass an entire race of people.
    - Read, the Management

Labels: Clothes, Life, Society

My crazy-ass mother just called me. God I love her, but sometimes talking to her is like having a voluntary stroke.

She called to tell me that she was flipping through the channels and happened to come across the 2008 Pennsylvania Farm Show. She was watching the youth squaredancing events and was laughing her ass off because the caller was shouting out Country versions of KC and the Sunshine band type shit.

My father, who happened to be at my house doing laundry at the time, was present when she called and I put her on speakerphone. My mother was tickled pink that she was watching fucking squaredancing. At one point in this surreal moment, she uttered the phrase, "That's what the kids need today, more squaredancing, less blowjobs."

First off, why are you watching the fucking PA Farm Show? Is there really that little on? Is life really that boring? I mean, seriously.

Secondly, what the fuck? I'm not laughing my ass off. Not at the surreality of the farm show, but the absurdity of the moment. I can't believe those words actually fell out of my own mother's mouth. I think I had a small mini-stroke.


OK, that being said, the point is actually valid. I remember when I left Upper Merion Area Middle School to go to the high school, every year I would hear these reports of how the middle school students were getting progressively worse. The kids were fucking animals. I would miss the bus to go home and mosey my ass down to the middle school to take their buses home (which left a half hour later). I was terrified to ride the bus home with these maniacs. I don't know what happened to the administration after I left, but they needed to get a serious grip on these kids.

More to the point, amongst those middle school horror tales, I would hear stories of these middle school kids getting caught giving blowjobs and handjobs for money in the hallways and stairwells. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?

I could sense every year in high school that the middle school was getting worse. That was ten years ago. I can only imagine what adolescent kids are like today.

I think part of the problem is that kids today have far too much, gotten way too easily. They are in a word, spoiled. They YouTube generation is taking over. Kids today have cellphones, texting, and the internet at their fingertips. Kids today are being raised without a sense of work ethic. They don't have to work at all for the things they want. They just say "I want, I want! Gimme, gimme!" Couple that with parents becoming less and less "hands-on", kids have no sense of consequence to their actions. "I do what I want, when I want, and fuck you for asking!"

Kids today have no healthy preoccupations. Organized sports and activities are taking a nosedive nation-wide. Kids have nothing better to do than to contemplate ever-more inventive ways ways of getting into trouble. Is it any fucking wonder kids are giving blowjobs in the halls. Do you remember that colored bracelet shit? Where each color represented some sexual act performed. Jeeeezus Fucking Christ! Maybe they should take up squaredancing. At least it would give them some structure in their lives.

I've said it before, I'll say it again. I'm no prude, but where the hell do we go from here? How much farther can society drop? God I sound old, but what the hell? You know what's funny? I sound like that typical You don't understand my generation parent. It's funny because my parents absolutely were NOT that type of parent. I just want that when I have children, that they don't have the means, or the facilities to fuck up to this magnitude.

As Chris Rock said, "They don't grade fathers, but if your daughter's a stripper, you fucked up."

Labels: Pop Culture, Rants, Society

Lifetime TV is launching a new show this season called How To Look Good Naked. A new type of makeover show in the vein of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, hosted by Carson Kressley.

I love the concept of this show. It teaches full-sized women to love their bodies. That they shouldn't have to resort to extreme dieting or cosmetic surgery, trying to look like magazine models. Self-image is one of the biggest psychological issues among full-sized women. No matter how beautiful these women are, they never see themselves as such. As long as they see that they are not a size zero, they won't believe that they are beautiful. It's a crying shame.

Did you know that four out of five American women today say they are are dissatisfied with their bodies?

I hate that fashion industry-driven projection that women should look like toothpicks and Barbie dolls. In fact I hate a bony bitch. Women are subjected to this barrage of imagery that tells them that their bodies aren't good enough. I have news for you, ladies. Even those sacks of anorexia aren't as thin as they appear. Repeat the following words after me, "Airbrush, Photoshop, CGI, Digital Enhancement, Eating Disorder"

Something else I saw to this effect was the release of a photography book by Leonard Nimoy (yes, Mr. Spock) called "The Full Body Project" in which he used very Rubenesque full-figured nude models. The book can be viewed as almost an indictment of Hollywood and the glamour machine that spoon feeds the message that women should be a size zero. I'm very proud of him for doing such bold work.



I'm not a chubby-chaser or anything, but I do appreciate a full-figured woman. I like a woman with a little meat on her bones. Nothing wrong with that. More than that, I like a woman that's got a little size, but is confident with her shit. There's nothing more sexy than confidence. There's nothing less sexy to me than insecurity. I know that's a backwards-ass statement coming from my fat ass, who's very insecure about my weight.

On the other hand, though I'd love nothing more than to drop like a hundy, I also have self-image expectations set in reality. I work with what I've got. Sometimes I don't always dress the best for my body, but I do clean up good. especially lately. I make the sexy work for me.

There's nothing wrong with thinking you're sexy. If you think it, you will project it. If you believe that you are, then you are.


Bottom line, be proud of what you have. If you could lose a few pounds, well ok. Couldn't we all? Just don't let Cosmo tell you what your body should look like.



'How To Look Good Naked' Becomes Most-Watched Reality Series Premiere in Lifetime...
How To Look Good Naked by Leonard Nimoy
The Full Body Project by Leonard Nimoy

Labels: Fitness, Life, Pop Culture, Society, TV

The Boondocks is back on Adult Swim and is as good as ever.

My man Huey is still the young revolutionary. Striving to destroy the system from within. Huey is everything I was when I was 16. Hyperintelligent with an afro and generally disenchanted with everything around him.
Granddad is still an old coot. Who reminds me very much of my own father.
Riley is still the flaming ghetto id.

I always thought The Boondocks was the best shit for black people on television. It crosses so many lines without being totally damaging to the perception of black folks in America. Instead, it highlights our flaws and shows them for just what they are...flaws. Just like everyone else has. Rather than glorifying our flaws like most other shuckin' and jivin'-ass black television shows today, Boondocks takes a rye look at them and states the need for change, or at least change of perception.

You know, the fact that they will drop the "N-Bomb" at least a dozen times per episode doesn't even bother me. It's so revolutionary. It's just what the industry needs. Also the fact that it makes white people cringe because they know that only we could get away with it, makes me smile.

Thank you Aaron McGruder

Webster defines the "nigga moment" as a moment when ignorance overwhelms the mind of an otherwise logical Negro male. Causing him to act in an illogical, self-destructive manner... i.e. like a nigga.
If Nigga Moments had their own category, Nigga Moments would be the third leading killer of black men behind pork chops and F.E.M.A. It's a fact.

The following is the definitive list of the top ten killers of black men, according to the Bob Mayo Clinic:

1. F.E.M.A.
2. Pork chops
3. Nigga Moments
4. HIV/AIDS
5. L.A.P.D.
6. N.Y.P.D.
7. The 'Itis
8. Bitches
9. Malt Liquor
10. White People

Oddly enough, Tonight's episode of The Boondocks made a scary parallel to my life.

A Pimp Named Slickback states the following:

"Your friends have reason to believe that you are suffering from Chronic Bitch Dependency. Bitch dependency is no laughing matter. Addiction to a bitch can fuck with your friends, your health, and scary enough, even your money. It's a disease, Tom."

"Did you know that scientists believe that some people are born with a genetic predisposition to bitch dependency?"

Sound familiar?

Labels: Comedy, Life, Society, TV

This is my barely coherent, rant on tattoos and piercings in popular culture today. Feel free to sound off on this. This is just my opinion.

You know, I remember exactly when it was that tattoos became a fashion statement. It was around 1997. I remember I was a junior in high school. I was sitting in Chemistry class and Dave Lacey, a 16-year old sophomore football player came into class with a blue & gold tattoo around his bicep.

This was it. Tattoos had officially become part of popular culture. When a 16-year old's parents authorize him to get a tattoo, it's no longer tabooo.

Right around then, the popularity of body art had really exploded. Camryn Manheim (The Practice) had eighty-nine earrings in her ear, Rosanna Arquette (Pulp Fiction) had 16 various piercings. Kids wanted to follow along. Tribal tattoos, barbed wire tattoos, and nipple, eyebrow, nose, belly button, clitoral piercings and tongue studs were the latest trends in the mid-to-late nineties.

I remember there was this wannabe rebel freshman girl who was in the choir. She was a really excellent soprano. She had every chance to excel, but somehow had that mental wiring that made her sabotage everything good. She started hinting to the choir director that she wanted to get a piercing. She would drop questions like, "If I get a tongue stud, how will that affect my voice?" The response was, "If you get a tongue stud, you're out of my choir." So of course she got the stud.

Anyway, back to the point. It used to be that a tattoo was a badge of rebellion. If you were a dude and you got a tat, you were a bad ass, hands down. Before then, you only got a tattoo if you were in prison or in the Navy.

If you were a chick and you had a tattoo (which was almost unheard of), you were a total slut. Usually in the good way. If it was on your ass, you could be that librarian/secretary in public, but a wildcat behind closed doors. You know what I mean?

That's how it used to be, anyway.

In the nineties, every drunken fratboy had a barbed wire tattoo or tribal patterns. Every chick had a flower or a dolphin in the small of her back or her ankle.

Nowadays, it's out of control. Tattoos used to mean something. Whether it was a badge of honor, or a display of passion or self expression. It was something.

Today everyone and their momma has a tattoo. Kids have nothing better to do. Tattoos are nothing more than an accessory. Something to go with their Prada handbag. 10 years ago the concept of having a cuff or a sleeve was reserved for those who were truly hardcore. Today, everyone is covered in tats. It's not uncommon to see people with more ink than skin.

It's just that tats and piercings are so commonplace in the new millennium, that they've lost all value. If someone says, "I have a tattoo" Yeah, well so does everybody. There's no shock value in anything anymore.

Tats would have gotten you disowned from your family ten years ago. Today, you could sit down at the family dinner table and discuss your fresh ink. It's so commercial that there are multiple television shows around tattoos artists.

PLEASE don't get me wrong.

I'm not against tattoos or piercings. I even have a few, myself. I have a treble clef on my left bicep, which means a great deal to me. It wasn't just a whim like people get. I had been planning on getting this symbol of my passion since I was a teenager. I have three piercings in my left ear, one in my right, and I've had my right eyebrow pierced more times than I can remember.

Anyone has the right to do whatever they want with their body. It's not my place to say what anyone else should do. It's just that people are getting more and tats which mean nothing to them. just because they saw something on TV. People get Chinese writing on their necks because it's trendy.

Ordinarily, I think tattoos on a woman can be ultra sexy if done tastefully and discreetly. One or two only. Small and somewhere like an ankle or the small of the back, or even on a hip. It's kind of like a little treasure. Not a friggin' billboard across your stomach.

I was at orientation for YellowBook and there was this girl with at least four tattoos below the sleeve line and two more on her neck. No one batted an eye.

I just wonder where we'll be in another ten years. Less and less shocks us. What is left? I've gone to strip clubs and seen strippers that were literally covered in tats. I wasn't even shocked. It's not so much about the tats themselves, but about how easily people will get them and the fact that it's of little or no consequence.

I don't know. That's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

Labels: Hot Bitches, Life, Philosophizing, Pop Culture, Rants, Society, Tattoos

It just makes me laugh sometimes how technology is so well integrated into popular culture today. I was watching TV the other day and the commercial for the new episode of Psych on USA, featuring Lou Diamond Phillips came on.

He just blythely leans in to someone and says, "So, do you have a MySpace page or something?"

Has MySpace become the new substitute for getting digits? Did I miss this memo? Phenomenons like MySpace and Friendster and blogging in general have become so pervasive to modern society. So prolific that it's difficult to imagine a kid surviving without the ability to text his buddy in the next room.

Have I gotten so old that I think all of this is just silly?
Oh, yeah. BTW - Check out MY MySpace page

Labels: Comedy, Pop Culture, Rants, Society, Technology, TV