OK, it's time somebody said something. I can't take it anymore.

Frank Caliendo should have stuck with MADtv. God almighty. I've had enough of him. I thought his John Madden impression was great. In fact no one did it better. That was his trademark. His signature. He was the 'Madden' guy. Fox Sports picked him up to do that impression for Sunday games which was awesome.

Frank then decided to expand his repertoire. He did a great Dubya impression. in fact one of the better ones I've seen. But quite honestly, he was too fat to portray the Prez. This is the point where he should have stopped and faded away into obscurity.

TBS decided to pick him and his impressions up for a few specials and a series...of nothing but sketches of him doing his impressions. Hold up. Stop right there. OK, he's good at one or two, but he's really stepping outside his ability. He added a few new ones that were not bad when they weren't totally generic like Robert DeNiro & Dr. Phil.

FrankTV was a colossal bust and yet, TBS insists that they are "very funny" More like "higly dubious"

But honestly, you cant build a sketch comedy show on one man's impressions alone. There simply isn't enough material.

Mostly his impressions all started to run together. When you can figure out exactly who it is he's trying to impersonate, you realize that all of his impressions sound the exact same.

The culmination of this genericism was when I saw a Dish Network commercial with him talking to himself as Charles Barkley (or so we're meant to believe). That impression sounded so mealy and generic and phoned in. At first, I genuinely couldn't tell who it was supposed to be. I thought with the makeup, maybe it could be the Round Mound of Rebound, but it just didn't sound like him. I've met Charles Barkley. I know his Alabama drawl. It doesn't sound anything like that. In fact, I think that impression was a little condescending. If it wasn't meant to be poking fun at him, I think Sir Charles should be a little offended. (Not that I'm defending Charles Barkley at all. I still think he's an ass.)

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2HWqM_gWEo" target="frankcaliendoyoutube"><img src="http://www.waldoland.com/images/blogimages/frankcaliendodishnetwork.jpg" alt="Frank Caliendo Dish Network Commercial 2"></a>


Nowadays, every time I see Frank Caliendo doing an impression, I'm like, "Yeah, ok. It's you. Ha ha. We get it. Whatever. <Click>" :|
Just give up. Go away.

Labels: Advertising, Comedy, TV

Have you seen the commercials for Nutrisystem with Jillian Barberie?

They say she lost 41 pounds. Did you hear me, butterfly? 41 pounds!!! When was she EVER that big? Don't you think we would have noticed that shit (and complained about it) by now? As much as she's on TV? Come on.

Did you see that photoshopped-ass before picture? There's no frikkin' way She could have snuck and got that big. Who are you trying to bullshit? Maybe you lost 41 pounds in your tits!


Even better is the one with Larry The Cable Guy. "I lost 50 pounds with Nutrisystem" I got news for ya, Larr. Yer still a fatshit.


Who says there's no truth in advertising?

Labels: Advertising, Fitness, Health, Hot Bitches, Rants, TV

God this commercial is imbecilic. Yet another in a long line of TV commercials that proves only one thing...America actually is as stupid as it looks.

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShWp1IbRKQE" target="dunkincommercial"><img src="http://www.waldoland.com/images/blogimages/dunkindonutscommercial.jpg" alt="Dunkin Donuts commercial on YouTube" style="border: 2px solid #666666;" /></a>

It seems like the latest trend in advertising is to produce the most asinine commercials possible. This can be seen in the broad variety of commercials that are prevalent today. Just turn on your TV and flip to any channel and I bet you will come across any number of these commercials. There's something to be said for the basic principle of advertising, AIDA (attract, interest, desire, action), but come on. Why stupid? If anything, it will Annoy, Irritate, Disgust, and Avert.

TV commercials for the past few years have become increasingly stupid. Do you remember the Quizno's commercials with the two singing rats (a.k.a. sponge monkeys)? Did that really make you want to buy a sandwich? Did that even amuse you a little bit? No. It made people want to vomit so much that Quizno's lost business and was forced to pull the spots due to increasing complaint.

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZrks-BPeLQ" target="quiznos"><img src="http://www.waldoland.com/images/blogimages/quiznoscommercial.jpg" alt="Quizno's commercial on YouTube" style="border: 2px solid #666666;" /></a>

It's like advertising companies aren't even trying anymore. They're just taking money to produce commercials that a first-grader could (and probably did) come up with. "Hey, my son Josh cam up with a great campaign for your product last night after he took a poopie like a big boy" Is it only going to get worse from here?

Remember the HeadOn Apply directly to forehead spots? Where they would chain the same irritating commercial together three times in a row? And then the had the balls to produce yet another SERIES of commercials where people would interrupt the commercial and spout off how much they couldn't stand the commercial, but loved the product! What balls!

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_SwD7RveNE" target="headon"><img src="http://www.waldoland.com/images/blogimages/headoncommercial.jpg" alt="HeadOn commercial on YouTube" style="border: 2px solid #666666;" /></a>

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0HAmqYTJqo" target="headon"><img src="http://www.waldoland.com/images/blogimages/headoncommercial2.jpg" alt="HeadOn anti-commercial on YouTube" style="border: 2px solid #666666;" /></a>


Please tell me that this trend will stop sometime soon.




Quizno's spokes-rats grab attention
Your Most Irritating TV Commercial?
What is the most irritating television commercial that you've ever seen?

Labels: Advertising, TV

I know this has been out for a long while, but I just felt that I had to comment on it. Have you seen that new Boost Mobile commercial?

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1PLvuwKRBj4" target="youtube"><img src="http://www.waldoland.com/images/blogimages/boostmobile2.jpg" alt="Boost Mobile Commerical with Jemaine Dupri, Young Jeezy, and Mickey Avalon on YouTube" style="border: 2px solid #666666;" /></a>

I'm not mad at all about Jermaine Dupri or Young Jeezy in the song. They're alright. Not nearly as hot a track as the first one with Kanye West, Ludacris, and The Game, though. I actually downloaded that and played it constantly. I memorized the lyrics. I even learned how to play it on the bass. The track was hot. This one's kinda weak and commercial, but ... it's a commercial.



Anyway ... What the hell is that skinny transgendered-looking white dude(?) that thinks he can rap at the end of the commercial? It's no wonder this thing only got 2 lines. Whatever the hell it is, it spits out two lines of the weakest, second grade shit I've ever heard. Who the fuck are you and why did you think that was appealing? Who's dick did you suck at Boost Mobile to get in this commercial? I mean seriously.

I'm that dude that got whatchya need.
Eyes on the prize. Pickin' Up speed

I'm not sure, but I think dude(?)'s got a perm, makeup, hip-hugger jeans, platforms, and has midriff showing. He couldn't be more feminine if he were actually a woman. Who actually thought that this would sell phones? It's another in a long line of stupid-ass advertising ploys that they believe that America will swallow like tripe. And sure enough, we do.



Come to find out that's Mickey Avalon. Dude, your shit is weak. What the fuck? I'm that dude that got whatchya need? I'm glad I don't need flow. Maybe I need hormone therapy.

You know, I had ONE track from this dude, Jane Fonda. I downloaded it because I thought it was pleasant and the little club rat kids seem to like it. But after seeing and hearing this dude(?), I assure you there will not be more.

Labels: Advertising, Music, TV, Videos

Lifetime TV is launching a new show this season called How To Look Good Naked. A new type of makeover show in the vein of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, hosted by Carson Kressley.

I love the concept of this show. It teaches full-sized women to love their bodies. That they shouldn't have to resort to extreme dieting or cosmetic surgery, trying to look like magazine models. Self-image is one of the biggest psychological issues among full-sized women. No matter how beautiful these women are, they never see themselves as such. As long as they see that they are not a size zero, they won't believe that they are beautiful. It's a crying shame.

Did you know that four out of five American women today say they are are dissatisfied with their bodies?

I hate that fashion industry-driven projection that women should look like toothpicks and Barbie dolls. In fact I hate a bony bitch. Women are subjected to this barrage of imagery that tells them that their bodies aren't good enough. I have news for you, ladies. Even those sacks of anorexia aren't as thin as they appear. Repeat the following words after me, "Airbrush, Photoshop, CGI, Digital Enhancement, Eating Disorder"

Something else I saw to this effect was the release of a photography book by Leonard Nimoy (yes, Mr. Spock) called "The Full Body Project" in which he used very Rubenesque full-figured nude models. The book can be viewed as almost an indictment of Hollywood and the glamour machine that spoon feeds the message that women should be a size zero. I'm very proud of him for doing such bold work.



I'm not a chubby-chaser or anything, but I do appreciate a full-figured woman. I like a woman with a little meat on her bones. Nothing wrong with that. More than that, I like a woman that's got a little size, but is confident with her shit. There's nothing more sexy than confidence. There's nothing less sexy to me than insecurity. I know that's a backwards-ass statement coming from my fat ass, who's very insecure about my weight.

On the other hand, though I'd love nothing more than to drop like a hundy, I also have self-image expectations set in reality. I work with what I've got. Sometimes I don't always dress the best for my body, but I do clean up good. especially lately. I make the sexy work for me.

There's nothing wrong with thinking you're sexy. If you think it, you will project it. If you believe that you are, then you are.


Bottom line, be proud of what you have. If you could lose a few pounds, well ok. Couldn't we all? Just don't let Cosmo tell you what your body should look like.



'How To Look Good Naked' Becomes Most-Watched Reality Series Premiere in Lifetime...
How To Look Good Naked by Leonard Nimoy
The Full Body Project by Leonard Nimoy

Labels: Fitness, Life, Pop Culture, Society, TV

Thank God! We finally got a much needed win in Dallas against the Cowboys last night.

Absolutely a brutal game. Just physical football. I was actually terrified that there was no score at the end of the first quarter, but at least three injuries. Roy Williams, the same muh fucka that they invented the horse collar tackle rule for, pulled one on Donovan McNabb. That was some bullshit!

We were in prime fuckup territory with a small lead and only a few minutes left on the clock in the fourth quarter. Slow it down, Andy! Brian Westbrook actually did right when he broke free near the 2-minute warning. He had a shot to go into the end zone and he sat his ass down on the 1 yard line. Way to go! Don't give them the opportunity to get the ball back and score.

Typically we fuck up games that we should have won by throwing an interception in the final minutes of a winning game. True Philly style. But we pulled it out. The Eagles are showing very much a NO QUIT attitude. Well done, boys!

REGULAR - Week 15 Dec 16, 2007  4:15 pm ET Texas Stadium   1 2 3 4 F Eagles 0 7 0 3 10 Cowboys 0 3 3 0 6

Labels: Sports, TV

I love a good donging!

Let's be clear. A donging has nothing to do with any kind of he-bitch man sex. A donging is when you're watching a movie, usually comedy or action, and a character gets smacked in the head area with a large, usually metallic, object which makes a great sound. DONG!
e.g. - Frying pan to the back of the skull.

I love that shit! Cartoon violence. It's the greatest. Especially when it's really unexpected. If you can see it coming, it loses a lot of its value.

Labels: Comedy, Fun, Movies, TV

God Damn I hate that commercial!

There's this Pantene commercial out there that I can't f'ing get away from. It's got this ultra-fem emo jingle that drives me insane.

Here is a snippet of the lyrics.

Standing in the bedroom
Before you open up the dirty window
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin.


Oh my god I want to commit homicide every time I hear it. It's not that the commercial is terribly unpleasant. It's not. It's that I hear it every fucking five minutes! I've heard it for the last three months and I can't escape it. I'll hear it on the TV in another room and I'll RUN across the house to turn the TV off.

Aaaarrrrrgh!!!!

Lord knows I've played my share of Emo. I've even played in a couple of predominantly female bands. Some were even man-hating feminazis. I have very little against Emo. If that's your thing, play your little heart out.
I just HATE THIS FUCKING SONG! Mostly because it's absolutely inescapable. It's on every channel. Every commercial break. Pantene, PLEASE find another commercial so that we no longer have to be subjected to this.

Labels: Advertising, Pop Culture, Rants, TV

WTF? Somebody was smoking some good LSD when they came up with this shit.


Yes, I know you don't smoke LSD.

Labels: Movies, TV

You know, I was watching TV this weekend and saw the movie Money Train.

I was just thinking, remember how beautiful Jennifer Lopez used to be?

What I mean by that is back in 1995, she was this pretty down chick from the Bronx with curly hair. She was approachable even if you only had a little game. So attractive, and the apple of everyone's eye.

Now she is the entity known as J.Lo, a millionairess with champagne tastes, who marries other celebrities at will. Yes, she's still got the onion booty (it may have even been enhanced since then), but basically a Hollywood starfucker.

I remember the lyric, "Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got. I'm still Jenny from the block.". Nothing could be further from the truth. With her makeup and hair product lines that people pay fortunes for, she is so superficial and artificial, it makes me wanna puke. And yet she has been deified as a Hollywood/Music industry diva, nay, queen, nay god. Her music isn't that good and neither is her acting. She ain't even all that cute anymore.

I would have preferred she remain humble. Every time I see those commercials for her new album, it makes me wanna gag and throw up in my mouth a little. I feel physically ill. She is so fake.

Labels: Hot Bitches, Movies, Music, Philosophizing, TV

God damn, I love Heroes!

All I got to say is Dr. Suresh...Damn! It take a dysfunctional muh fucka to bust somebody in they eye like that! Wooh! That was some wild-ass shit!

And by the way, damn Dania Ramirez is fine. She is so beautiful. But poor baby, she's always crying. I'm a sucker for a beautiful woman who crys.

Labels: Hot Bitches, TV

I waited with baited breath for the premiere of Battlestar Galactica: Razor

I was not disappointed.

The story centered around a young female officer, Kendra Shaw (doesn't that sound like a sista's name?) and how she is shaped into a "Razor", an instrument of war, during her service on the Battlestar Pegasus. Under the command of the ruthless Admiral Cain (played by Michelle Forbes), she is witness and participant to the atrocities that occurred on the Pegasus after the Cylon Holocaust.

And by the way, she's a little badass. Little hottie with an Australian accent that's tough as nails. Nice. Of course she goes head to head with Starbuck. Do I sense a catfight?

The cool part of the TV movie is the tie-in to the present-day Pegasus with the Cylons of the original series. You'll have to watch to understand that.

I was a little disappointed at how brief it was. Yes it was two hours, but I want more. I can't wait until friggin' April for more Battlestar. If you listen to the writer's meeting podcast for this, there's so much that they wrote that for whatever reason got axed from the final cut. Damn, all of that would have been great television.


All of this has happened before and all of this will happen again.
Kara Thrace is the harbinger of doom :|
Cool

Labels: Movies, TV

You know, I still can't turn on the TV without seeing Martha Stewart's fucking face. It was bad enough during all that insider trading horseshit. But now, she's still going at it full force. With lines of products in not only KMart AND Macy's stores, her commercials are freaking EVERYWHERE. I can't escape her. I will admit, I bought a set of her sheets, but it's because they were the brand that was in the store.

I so do not care if her name is on a product line. If anything, it will make me want to shop at your store even less if I see her.

Stinking media whore.

Labels: Rants, TV

I DVR'ed an episode of Manswers on Spike the other night. It came on at midnight and I was too tired to stay up and watch it. It had one segment that kind of piqued my interest. How Do You Take a Stripper Home?.

Hmmm. I wonder what that's like? I wonder if they had any advice that paralleled my own experience with strippers.

Well, I watched it last night and here is the outcome. Let's compare it to real life.

1. Go on the slow nights. Your goal is to become a regular.

   Yeah. I'll buy into that one. On a busy night, you're just another face in the crowd. On a slow night, you're more likely to get noticed. Although you run the risk of appearing like (and becoming) that lonely perv that's in the club every night, a.k.a. a stalker.

2. The first place you don't sit is the stage. Post up at the bar like it's a regular bar. The one way you're gonna get a stripper's attention is by really not giving her a ton of attention.

   I don't agree with this one. In a lot of local joints the stage is the bar so you can't avoid it. In the bigger places, only the bartender will notice you at the bar. Although the reasoning behind this one is more sound than the actual method. Giving a stripper ALL your attention is deadly. They will have you hooked. You will become addicted and they will run you dry. Once she has you hooked, she will know it and all you become to her is a money source. Once that happens, Game over. Now there is something to be said about playing hard to get. Feigning interest. Don't overdo it. Strippers can smell bullshit like a fart in a car.

3. Bring a chick with you. Any time a girl is around another girl, there's always a little bit of competition.

   I don't know about this one. Yes, it's true about the competition, but that's all women. First, where are you going to find a straight chick who will go to a strip club with you? Second, if you do find one, why aren't you banging her? Third, in my experience a stripper is more exited at the prospect of giving another chick a lapdance than you. They see horny guys all day. This move will not work to your advantage.

4. Don't tip the strippers. Strippers are in it for one thing: money. The moment that money changes hands, you're a source of income. You'll never be seen as anything else.

   That's partially true. Don't show your roll. Break out a few singles at a time. If a stripper sees that your money is long, then it's all said and done. Not tipping a stripper can lead to venomous consequences. In a big place like Delilah's, where a stripper can clear hundreds a night, they won't miss your couple dollars. In a dive joint, the strippers there are working hard for the money, so every dollar counts. Snubbing a stripper in these places will actually get you the opposite result. Bring enough money to make sure every stripper that comes around for a tip get some money. It's just respectful. If there's one that actually interests you, make it a point to have her come over to you to get a little something extra. She'll then start to recognize you and begin to engage you. Yes, it's to get more money from you, but it gets your foot in the door. This is your opportunity to start chatting her up.

5. Throw a party. Girls love to party, and these girls love to party.

   Yes, they do. All of them love to get lit. This is not a guarantee of anything, though. Don't think you're like the guy in the clip and just say, "Oh, I'm having a party," and walk out the door with them. Strippers are not likely to leave the club with you. If you're going to party with strippers, make an announcement. Set a date. Make an event out of it. Invite a few of them for a little fun. Don't be the only one there. You're more likely to end up with a stripper if you see her outside the club, than in. So the objective here is to get them to willingly interact with you outside the club. So a party is a good way to do it. Your friends will have fun, they will have fun, and most importantly, you will have fun.

Anyway, it doesn't seem like Spike has the ultimate answer to picking up strippers. It seems no one does. Ultimately, strippers are people, too. They have needs and wants just like the rest of us ... only adjusted. Contrary to what one might think, strippers are usually very sexually repressed. Either from some sexual trauma, or the fact that they grind in guys' laps all day. The likelihood is that they won't go home with you for a one night stand, though it does happen. The more you can see them outside the club, the more likely they are to see you as someone they might continue to see outside the club. My couple of tips should help to keep your game strong and continue to keep your money long.

Just so I can say I warned you, just be aware, you are taking a stripper home (or attempting, anyway). If you're the jealous type, this is not an adventure for you. You have to deal with strippers giving sexual attention to another guy. Also nearly every last one of them is crazy in some way (or many ways).

Other links:

• SpikeTV: How Do You Take a Stripper Home?
• wikiHow: How to Date a Stripper

Labels: Bars, Comedy, Hot Bitches, Life, Night life, Strip clubs, TV

I caught a little bit of Battlestar Galactica: Razor on Monday night when I went with Dad to see American Gangster. Evidently, the IMAX theater in KoP was having some sneak preview. Dad and I snuck into the theater before and after American Gangster. Dad was all trying to convince me, "We'll come back and see it when we pay" I was like, "Fuck dat shit, puto!" I stuck around for a few.

Wouldn't you know it? Son of a bitch! Even in the theater, it's got fucking commercials!

Well, I won't reveal anything. I'm waiting for the SciFi premiere on the 24th.

Labels: Movies, TV

The Heroes marathon continues. The 2nd season continues on G4 and I've been watching non stop. I don't know if I can only watch one episode a week starting Monday. Hehe.

Now, if Tawny Cypress was fine, Heroes is additionally enhanced with the addition of Dania Ramirez, playing Maya, a Guatemalan girl (though she's Dominican but sounds like she's straight up from the Bronx) who's power manifest when she becomes upset. She bleeds from the eyes and everyone around her begins to die. She cannot control it and the only thing that can stop it is her twin brother Alejandro. Y'all already know how hot Dania Ramirez is. God the hot women factor alone is enough to watch this show. Although, I don't necessarily like the fact that G4 took a poll of who's hotter, comparing Hayden Panettiere to Ali Larter. Not because they're both white, but because Hayden is like 16. Grown ass men are replying "She's so much hotter". Dude, she's a child! I could understand teenage boys, but not grown-ass men. The better poll question is Who's hotter: Tawny or Dania? Nice.

I really hope that she gets away from Sylar safely so that I can see more of her. Nice.

Hiro is so adorable. He's just so hard up. He's like a little Japanese teddy bear that can't get none.

Check out the Star Trek links to Heroes. First, Sulu, then Uhura, then the guy playing Sylar, Zachary Quinto, is going to play Spock in the forthcoming Star Trek XI movie. If you look at him, he is perfect to play the part of a young Lenny Nimoy. For now, he is doing a fantastic job as a sociopath. Show creator, Tim Kring discusses on the first live post show on G4 how it started as a cpmolete and total coincidence.

Here's a thought for people who have already seen season 1. If Simone Deveaux's father (Richard Roundtree) is part of this first generation of heroes that's slowly being revealed, shouldn't she have powers too? It's seems that these powers are hereditary. So the question is...Is she really dead?

Also, did anyone else notice that when Peter Petrelli had his vision of the evacuation at the end of this week's episode, that there was a billboard of Isaac Mendez' painting depicting the Muscle Mimic girl from New Orleans (Micah's cousin) in the background? If you look even closer several of the billboards in the scene were Isaac Mendez' paintings. You think that could be a clue? Hehe.

Something I've been missing. Why do they call Mr. Bennet H.R.G.? I haven't seen any scene where they tell me what that means or even anyone in the show call him that. Maybe I just missed it. Nevermind. I just caught it on the replay of the live post show on G4 as I'm writing this post. Stands for Horned Rimmed Glasses.

A side note to G4. Please get some more commercials. I've watched a total of 24 hours of G4 in the last two weeks, and they've only ever played like the same four commercials. Do you know how annoying that is? I'm starting to see them in my dreams now. G4 is now becoming my own personal Nightmare Man. Seriously, though.

Labels: Hot Bitches, Rants, TV

I've recently become addicted to the show, Heroes.

When it first aired, I couldn't watch it. Not because I didn't like it, but because I didn't catch it from the beginning of the series. I'm funny that way. If I don't catch something from the beginning, I can't watch it because I have no context of what's going on.

Everyone I talked to, especially Bob Hackett said to watch this show. This past Saturday and Sunday G4 started showing a marathon of all the season one episodes in preparation for the new season (which to the best of my understanding will air on NBC, MOJO, and G4). I decided to take a look. I must admit. Damn, I'm hooked.

The show itself is so well done. It's fucking fascinating. I couldn't stop watching it. It actually has characters with depth, plotlines you can follow, and an oh-so engaging story.

I won't go too deep into the story because I just watched the entire first season over two days. But I will share some notes and impressions.

First, fan-bloody-tastic show! I will admit, there are one or two scenes stolen directly from X-Men comics, but we can overlook that.

Two, well done Hayden Panettiere. She's really grown up. She's a great actress, especially for being so young. I remember when she was on Guiding Light playing little Lizzie with leukemia (as we used to call her) like back in 1999. YES, I WATCHED GUIDING LIGHT! Deal with it. I worked nights and there was nothing on but soaps during the day. I knew then that she was a remarkable young actress. She was so sickeningly sweet that I wanted to punch her in the face. Most child actors don't have that depth to play a role so accurately. I find that if I want to punch them in the face, that they are usually quite a talented performer. Other examples are Haley Joel Osment, Dakota Fanning, and that Welch's grape juice bitch. All punchworthy.

Third, Tawny Cypress...YEAH! Oh, shit. This girl is hot! I first saw her on K'Ville as Ginger 'Love Tap' Lebeau. A S.W.A.T. officer that you wouldn't mind having her kick your ass a little. Finally, a reason to support police brutality. With that light mulatto skin, curly hair, sparkling blue/green eyes, and big luscious lips...ooh, dat's my shit! Y'all know I like them bitches of dubious ethnicity. She only shows up every couple of episodes as an ancillary character, but it's reason enough to watch the show. But then I saw her in Heroes. She plays an art dealer named Simone Deveaux, girlfriend of the tortured, junkie artist, Isaac Mendez (played by Santiago Cabrera) who paints the future, and love interest of hospice nurse Peter Petrelli (played by Milo Ventimiglia) who absorbs the powers of those around him. My god! In K'Ville, she's tough as nails. In Heroes, she's gorgeous and vulnerable. I'd like to see more from this actress, and not just because she make my penis happy.

Fourth (and final comment). Please please, please don't let Heroes go the way of Lost, where they took a fantastic and revolutionary idea and turned it into incomprehensible shit in the second season. I couldn't even watch lost halfway through the second season because it jumped the shark so many times.

America, I urge you to watch Heroes. And if you're like me, you can't watch something from the middle, pick up the first season on DVD today.

Labels: TV

Since I've been watching the Heroes marathon on G4, I missed what the premier movies on cable were tonight. As I'm flipping through the channels after midnight looking for replays, I caught Smokin' Aces on Cinemax.

I must admit, I had been wanting to see this movie. I like the occasional bang-bang shoot-em-up. It's a relief from the truly cinematic films I watch. I saw with this one, that it not only had a huge cast of names and faces that I know, but that cast included two of my favorite musicians in bad-ass roles; Common and Alicia Keys. I love it when my people like Mos Def and Jill Scott, become actors and do it well. I have yet to see Talib Kweli in a role, but I suspect he's out there.

Common was just a bad ass muh fucka named Ivy. Just a do-dirt nigga. Bad to the bone. I love it.

My Sexy beautiful girl Alicia Keys plays a hit man, er, hit woman named Georgia who comes ready for war. Not only is she ultra sexy, posing as a hooker to infiltrate security, but she carries some mean guns, and cusses like a man.

I'm already in love with Alicia Keys, but hearing her cuss like that, turned me on like a switch. Sometimes I like a girl with a really dirty mouth. Not so much because it's a part of her everyday speech pattern because it's part of her environment (A.K.A. - Ghetto Mouf), but because she's confident enough and comfortable in her own skin, enough to not have to censor herself around those she's comfortable with. My one caveat to that is you must be a lady in the streets.

That's the kind of shit I could roll with.

Labels: Hot Bitches, Movies, Music, TV

The Boondocks is back on Adult Swim and is as good as ever.

My man Huey is still the young revolutionary. Striving to destroy the system from within. Huey is everything I was when I was 16. Hyperintelligent with an afro and generally disenchanted with everything around him.
Granddad is still an old coot. Who reminds me very much of my own father.
Riley is still the flaming ghetto id.

I always thought The Boondocks was the best shit for black people on television. It crosses so many lines without being totally damaging to the perception of black folks in America. Instead, it highlights our flaws and shows them for just what they are...flaws. Just like everyone else has. Rather than glorifying our flaws like most other shuckin' and jivin'-ass black television shows today, Boondocks takes a rye look at them and states the need for change, or at least change of perception.

You know, the fact that they will drop the "N-Bomb" at least a dozen times per episode doesn't even bother me. It's so revolutionary. It's just what the industry needs. Also the fact that it makes white people cringe because they know that only we could get away with it, makes me smile.

Thank you Aaron McGruder

Webster defines the "nigga moment" as a moment when ignorance overwhelms the mind of an otherwise logical Negro male. Causing him to act in an illogical, self-destructive manner... i.e. like a nigga.
If Nigga Moments had their own category, Nigga Moments would be the third leading killer of black men behind pork chops and F.E.M.A. It's a fact.

The following is the definitive list of the top ten killers of black men, according to the Bob Mayo Clinic:

1. F.E.M.A.
2. Pork chops
3. Nigga Moments
4. HIV/AIDS
5. L.A.P.D.
6. N.Y.P.D.
7. The 'Itis
8. Bitches
9. Malt Liquor
10. White People

Oddly enough, Tonight's episode of The Boondocks made a scary parallel to my life.

A Pimp Named Slickback states the following:

"Your friends have reason to believe that you are suffering from Chronic Bitch Dependency. Bitch dependency is no laughing matter. Addiction to a bitch can fuck with your friends, your health, and scary enough, even your money. It's a disease, Tom."

"Did you know that scientists believe that some people are born with a genetic predisposition to bitch dependency?"

Sound familiar?

Labels: Comedy, Life, Society, TV

Welcome to Eagles football, ladies & gentlemen. Opening day for the Eagles and I couldn't be more excited. I got my chips & dip, cold beer in the fridge, and my roster/stat sheets up on my laptop. Fly Eagles Fly!

A great game overall, despite a few typical Eagles' errors, like Greg Lewis muffing that punt 20 yards into the end zone, resulting in a Packers recovery and a touchdown. Greg Lewis wanted to make it clear to everyone that he had never returned a punt before. It's pretty clear that he will not be returning punts again. Needless to say G.Lew was NOT returning the next kick. Instead it made me happy to see the return of J.R. Reed, who if Eagles fans will remember, on opening day, not too long ago, returned the openoing kickoff 90+ yards for a touchdown. Unfortunately, with less than a minute in the 4th quarter, Reed also muffed a punt which allowed Green Bay the opportunity for a field goal to win the game. Way to go special teams. 2nd year linebacker/defensive end Chris Gocong had a few blown assignments that almost resulted in significant receptions. Joselio Hansen got knocked all over the field as usual, but I so admire his effort. Sean Considine has no bsuiness playing safety and trying to cover guys that are way faster than him. They need to stick him back at Linebacker, build his strength and hit sombody!

Aside from that other great highlights of the game were tentatively injuring ex-Eagle cornerback Al Harris' elbow. Aw, Al. Why you on the sidelines crying like a bitch? Oh that's right. Because you're a woman. Holla atcha girl. Jevon Kearse and Trent Cole jointly sacked Brett Favre so hard in the first half that they both landed on opposite ends of Favre, whose helmet was plowed into the turf, heels over head, ass in the air. Cole and Kearse teamed up again in the fourth quarter to strip the ball from Favre and recover for the Eagles.

I will give credit to Brett Favre, who in the second half, recovered from a busted play and a near sack to toss the ball about a yard to DeShawn Wynn on the line of scrimmage, who then ran for about 18 yards. The very next play, as he's being bring down around the neck by Jaqueh Thomas, pitches to Brandon Jackson who takes it for another big gain. Truly, Favre's longevity in this sport cannot be questioned. With 250+ consecutive starts, he's not going anywhere.

I think overall the Eagles played better football than Green Bay. The first 10 points scored by the Pack were a direct result of Eagles turnovers. Had it not been for those, they would not have scored in the first half at all. I'm lovin' Sav Rocca, the 6'6" Australian rugby player kicking monstrous punts with about ten minutes of hang-time. Sheldon Brown had an unbelievable interception in the first quarter that was quite literally plucked from the receiver's hands. Jason Avant had at least two major catches today, one for a touchdown. Donald Driver had been getting pounded all day. He's the only real threat in this type of game where the Eagles' defense is playing so well that the Pack rarely put the ball on the ground.

I was surpirsed to not hear as much Hater-ade spewed from Moose & Goose; Jay Jonhston and Tony Siragusa. In former years, Fox Sports usually sticks us with either Troy Aikman and Joe Buck, or Johnston and Siragusa. Aikman, a former Dallas Cowboy Quarterback has been a long-time Eagles hater. Johnston, also an ex-Cowboy, along with Aikman always seem to give commmentary that is patently anti-Eagles. Siragusa, usually has nothing intelligent to contribute, and Joe Buch just has negative things to say about every team, so whatever. It was just pleasing to see the lack of Hater-ade today. Next week, who knows?

I haven't been this excited about football in a while. I think it may have something to do with this being the first game in my house, being just MY house. You know I said in January, it would be August before my life started getting back on track. I quit my job at Metavante in Agust and things have been getting better. I'm loving being able to watch the game in MY house. It's a good sensation.

REGULAR - Week 1 Sep 9, 2007  1 pm ET Lambeau Field   1 2 3 4 F Eagles 0 10 3 0 13 Packers 10 0 3 3 16

Labels: Sports, TV

Man, I love British black chicks. There's just something about them that's just so damn sexy. Most of the hottest ones are half Nigerian. Don't know what I'm talking about? Check out these hotties:

Carmen Ejogo

I first saw Carmen in Metro alongside Eddie Murphy. God she was beautiful. So sweet and charming. Maybe it was the accent, but I could see how anyone could fall in love with her. Carmen later appears in the series Kidnapped. I haven't seen that series yet, only because I didn't know she was in it. I may have to start watching it now.

Pics of Carmen Ejogo

Marsha Thomason

Man, I saw this hottie first in Black Knight alongside Martin Lawrence. There was this scene where he and Marsha were both faking intercourse for the benefit of two guards posted outside Lawrence's chamber. She let out this moan that made me shiver. Even Martin had to pause and go, "Damn." Further hotness includes being a regular cast member on the NBC series, Las Vegas, now in syndication on TNT. She played a croupier, which all that was required of her was to deal cards and look sexy. The culmination of the hotness though, was her feature in the N.E.R.D. video She Wants to Move. Dammit, I say let her! She just tore that shit up!

The only complaint I have about her is that a few years ago, she got one or two tattoos. Ordinarily, I think tattoos on a woman can be ultra sexy if done tastefully and discreetly. One or two only. Small and somewhere like an ankle or the small of the back, or even on a hip. It's kind of like a little treasure. Not a friggin' billboard across the stomach. No question that her tats are demure, I just think it's a shame to decorate that flawless body.

You know come to think of it, I recall seeing her name credited alongside Eddie Murphy's for The Haunted Mansion, but I've never seen it. Kids movie.

Pics of Marsha Thomason

Scary Spice

And speaking of Eddie Murphy...how about his new baby momma, Scary Spice. You know, that guy must have the same affinity for British black chicks that I do. I remember back to like '95 when the Spice Girls came out. Everything about them sickened me. Their only redeeming quality in my eyes was merely the membership of Scary Spice. I didn't give a damn about any of the others; not Slut Spice, Stupid Spice, Dyke Spice, or Golddigger Spice-Beckham.

I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want... If I wanna be your lover, and i gotta get with your friends, I just may take the bullet for the team. Man, I remember she had great tits. no bra and a great ass. And the best part of all was a tongue stud, which in '95, may have been the reason for the moniker Scary Spice. Tongue studs were new and either you were with them or you were afraid of them.

She also had this kind of sweet charm when she wore her glasses. Kind of the school-teacher bookworm timid charm. But when the glasses came off, I bet she was a beast in the sack!

Pics of Scary Spice

Freema Agyeman

Playing Dr. Who's current companion Martha Jones, Freema Agyeman is just a gorgeous girl next door. She is the only thing that makes me watch Dr. Who. (Don't tell my dad) I've never been a Dr. Who fan, but my dad has been a fan since stone knives.

Pics of Freema Agyeman

Ebony Thomas

Ebony Thomas is a hot ass British Maxim model. She is known for her work on the soap, Family Affairs. I don't know her from that, or even what the hell that is, but just...look at her!

Pics of Ebony Thomas

Labels: Hot Bitches, Movies, Tattoos, TV

OK, so I've been home watching a lot of TV lately. (Gosh, I wonder why)
There's a show that I just can't get enough of, Hell Date

Hell Date is a TV dating/reality/prank show that comes on BET. The premise is that a person goes on a date, under the auspices that they are on a reality dating show. The production crew will follow the young couple around with cameras to various date locales. The twist is that one of the people on the date is an actor working on the show. The actor's job is to make the date as miserable as possible for the other person. The other person has no idea that they're on the date from hell!

OK, so this is not my typical fare. Ordinarily, I never watch reality TV, in particular dating shows, but this one is just too good.

Hellish dates include the unsuspecting brotha that goes on a date with a pre-op trannie. At first they're kickin' it. Vibin', you know. In the car ride to their first locale, they're getting to know each other. She lets him know that she's just getting back into the dating game after a while, after recuperating from some health issues. One of the locales on their date was a ranch, taking horseback riding lessons. As both of them mount their horses, the dude was fine, but the sista was complaining that the saddle was hurting her <<stuff>>. The dude was starting to grow suspicious. Why would a woman be hurting there? The next locale was a wig shop. They were both fooling around trying on wigs. The girl starts mentioning that this is how she really wants to look. While trying on a wig in the mirror, she begins to chant to herself, "I am beautiful...I am pretty." The brotha grows more suspicious. Finally they are having a drink at a club. The girl mentions how much she likes his goatee and how she never could grow one, as much as she wanted to. She invites him to dance and he declines, stating he's not ready to dance right now. Finally, the brotha senses there's something amiss with her and tries to let her down easy. "I think maybe I would rather have you as a friend." Oh, that's when she went off! She started cussing him out and showing him her suspiciously growing bulge under her dress. "How you just gonna disrespect me!?! This ain't gonna be a problem! In another two months it won't even be there! You ain't gotta make no thing about it! Look at it!" When the brotha can't take no more, a midget in a devil suit comes out to tell him he's been on Hell Date.

This sista wasn't really a trannie, but the dude didn't know that. Just watching his expressions change when she would say certain things was comedy enough. To add more levity, they had a confessional where he would reveal his concerns.

Another great hell date was another unsuspecting brotha who met up with this kinda quiet, shy, but cute girl. He picked her up at her apartment. She invited him in for a drink before they went out to a club. Again, they're vibin' getting to know each other. After a little while, she says that she's going to go change and they'll leave. A couple of minutes later, she comes out and quietly mentions that she has something for him. Kind of a surprise. He turns around an holy shit! She's got on a latex dominatrix outfit and a whip! She goes from Dr. Jekyll to Mrs. Hyde. She's barking commands at him and cracking the whip. This dude is freaking the fuck out! Whoo!

Now see me, I would have been into it. That probably would have thrown her off her game. I'd have been all smooth with the shit. Oh, hell yes! But that's just me.

More dates from hell include the dude that gets just a little overly possessive on a first date. "You my woman now." Another is a dude that has a family emergency and has to pick up his retarded little (26-year old) brother and watch him on their date.

The one that really got me watching was this one. An unsuspecting brotha meets this fly ass girl. She gets this family emergency phone call and has to pick up her daughter from day care. The dude's face is a little disappointed because not only does she have a kid, but their date is interrupted because her ex-husband can't watch her. So they got to pick up her child. The kid is this pretty little girl who unbeknown to this dude is a child actor.

The kid starts asking questions like, "Don't you think we look a lot alike? Is it alright if I call you Daddy?" Just watching this dude sweat was HILARIOUS!

So check out Hell Date on BET. It comes on weekday @ 12:30 in the afternoon. I don't know when else it comes on, but catch it when you can. It's great!

Labels: Comedy, Dating, Night life, TV

I mean, seriously. I like this movie a lot. I wouldn't say it's Scorcese's greatest work, but it's damn good.

It's now Wednesday, and I've seen this movie 7 times since it premiered on Cinemax on Saturday. There's something to be said about oversaturation. This is why I find that there's nothing on, even though I have over 300 channels of TV to watch. It's because I've seen everything that they air because they show it nine hundred times before they decide they're sick of it.

Yeesh!

Labels: Movies, Rants, TV

Just saw my girl Nathalie Kelley in a Schick Quattro for women commercial. Looking just as cute as ever. She doesn't say anything but she just walks across a room and looks at herself in thee mirror.

I think the commercial is just a few years old which explains why I thought I saw her before.

I was pleasantly surprised to see her.

Labels: Advertising, Hot Bitches, TV

It just makes me laugh sometimes how technology is so well integrated into popular culture today. I was watching TV the other day and the commercial for the new episode of Psych on USA, featuring Lou Diamond Phillips came on.

He just blythely leans in to someone and says, "So, do you have a MySpace page or something?"

Has MySpace become the new substitute for getting digits? Did I miss this memo? Phenomenons like MySpace and Friendster and blogging in general have become so pervasive to modern society. So prolific that it's difficult to imagine a kid surviving without the ability to text his buddy in the next room.

Have I gotten so old that I think all of this is just silly?
Oh, yeah. BTW - Check out MY MySpace page

Labels: Comedy, Pop Culture, Rants, Society, Technology, TV

More than meets the eye!

Saw the Transformers movie last night. Two words...AWE-SOME!

You know when Michael Bay is attached to a movie, it ain't gonna be no Jerry Maguire. It's gonna have explosions and car chases and violence. You don't go see this kind of movie for its dramatic cinematic content or engaging plotlines. Let me tell ya. Transformers did not disappoint.

I went to the 10:40 showing in Oaks. I wanted to go to a midnight show, but there weren't any around. I go to midnight shows for movies like this because I hate sitting in a theater with 4,000 nine-year olds. I want to be able to curse and yell at the screen without having to worry if I'm pissing some angry soccer mom off. At midnight shows, there are people my age, who do the same thing and it enhances the movie experience, not ruins it. 10:40 would suffice. It's past their bedtimes.

You ever have one of those moments where you say to yourself, "I didn't just see that"? I did. I'm in the concession line buying nachos and out of the corner of my eye I see a guy walk past. Since what I saw, my brain couldn't interpret, I just dismissed it...until I saw him walk by again. I saw a dude that came to the theater decked out in a homemade Optimus Prime costume, composed entirely of beer cases. This dork had duct taped empty Budweiser packaging around his body and head and actually left the house like that. I'm not sure but I don't think there were any Drunkicons in the movie. I gotta give him credit, though. For a stupid idea, it was pretty ingenious. I could tell this was going to be fun.

Cut to theater interior.

I stake myself out a little spot in the middle of the theater and get comfortable with my $6.00 nachos and the bottled water I snuck in my pocket. (I'm not going to pay $4.00 for a bottle of water.) I came in mid-trailers. I saw the one for the new Adam Sandler/Kevin James movie, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry. Good God Jessica Biel's got a hot body. She strips down to her underwear and jiggles around a little bit. Man I gotta find video of that.

Anyway...

[Spoiler Alert! (but nod bad)]



The cool part about this movie is the perspective. Nowhere ever in the cartoon did they deal with the human response to the Transformers. It was always Autobot vs. Decepticon and maybe save some humans. In the movie, it's more about governmental response, terror threats, keeping it quiet, & military response. Very much a What the fuck!?! factor.

Car chases, explosions, guns, violence, dogfights, aliens, robots, a bigass battle in the middle of a city with billions of dollars in collateral damage; what more could one ask? Transformers was awesome.

OK, now it's bitch time. The bitching is numerous, but insignificant.

First, the Beetle thing. If you read above, you found out that in the movie Bumble Bee transformed into a Camaro instead of a VW Beetle. Nerd purists would say that's disingenuous. I agree, but you know what? You can't get the new hotness with a fucking '08 bug. Did you see that Camaro concept car? Damn that's hot!

Second, General Motors is a total whore. Just like the latter movies of the Matrix trilogy, every vehicle, save for two or three in the movie was a GM car. Chevy's, GMC's, Pontiacs, Saturns, Hummers, and Saabs permeate the movie. Barricade was a Ford/Saleen Mustang. There were a couple of Crown Vics used as cop cars and taxis (Of course, not without the appropriate sprinkling of Impalas as cop cars). Optimus Prime was a Freightliner, but that's because GM don't make 18-wheelers.

For me, they did a great job on the special effects in general. However the Transformers themselves could have used some work. In many cases I though they were TOO detailed. I'm sure almost everyone will disagree with me. I think they put way too much time and effort into giving the robots detail. So much so that your eye couldn't focus in and absorb any of those details. The just became a mess of machinery. In addition, every last one of the Decepticons was gray. That made them almost indistinguishable. Starscream and Megatron stood next to each other and I couldn't tell them apart. Also everyone had round eyes and mouths. A number of Transformers originally had masks over their mouths. I read that it was so the animators could make them emote more. I don't know, it just seemed wrong to me.

When it comes to the eye absorbing detail, the digital camerawork was too fast. This is where a good DP (that's Director of Photography for you neophytes) earns their stripes. With so much detail for the eye to absorb, the camera should slow down a bit. Things happen so fast that the eye can't perceive it, so the brain can't absorb it. This causes the effect of, "Damn, that looked cool, but what the fuck just happened?" Two Transformers fighting just becomes a blur and one of them ends up fragged in the end.

More bitching...

OK, this series of bitching is about cartoon-to-movie continuity. You read about the Bumble Bee thing already. In reading this article on Wikipedia, it is indicated that they wrote in more Decepticons than Autobots to add a greater element of terror. OK, but why did they use so many 2nd generation Decepticon characters, when they only use a handful of 1st generation Autobots? Most of these characters were never in the original ark. The Autobots were outnumbered 8 (at least) to 5. Scorponok was one of the city-sized Transformers, not introduced for years after the show was aired. Barricade and Blackout even later. Bonecrusher was one of the Contructicons, introduced in the second season. All 5 of the Constructicons joined to form a giant robot called Devastator, who is now a separate individual and also an M1 Tank. Frenzy was one of the tiny cassette Decepticons (remember cassettes?), brother in arms with Rumble, Ravage, and Laserbeak, all minions of Soundwave, who transformed into a cassette recorder. In the movie, they took away Frenzy's pile-driving capability, combined him with Soundwave's transformation, and made his robot form look really weird. And by the way, why did they make him a GPX boombox? Why did they have to make him the cheapest, most generic, Toys 'R' Us brand boombox they could find? Oh that's right. Product placement.

Autobots	Decepticons
Optimus Prime - Peterbilt 18-wheeler Bumble Bee - '74 Chevy Camaro/'09 Chevy Camaro Concept Jazz - Pontiac Solstice Ironhide - GMC Topkick Ratchet - Hummer H2 (Modified Search & Rescue)	Megatron - Cybertronian "Jet" Starscream - Lockheed/Martin F-22 Raptor Frenzy - GPX Boombox Barricade - '09 Ford/Saleen Mustang Blackout - Sekorsky Pave Low helicopter Scorponok - Scorpion robot Bonecrusher - Construction Vehicle Devastator - M1 Abrams Tank

Anyway...

I'm done bitching now. Get out and go see this movie. Forget all that shit I said. It's still a fun fucking time for any child of the eighties. Oh yeah, and the girl in this movie, Megan Fox...not bad.

Transformers rates a 9.5/10 (4 1/2 stars/5) in my book. Well worth the price of admission.

Oh, yeah. And wouldn't you know it? The movie's over, I'm leaving the theater, and I see that same guy with the beer case costume. Only he's got a gaggle of friends, ALL of whom are Drunkicons. I just had to laugh.

Labels: Geekdom, Movies, Rants, TV

So I just saw "The World's Fastest Man", Michael Johnson in a Coors Light commercial. Granted the man was a fantastic athlete 12 years ago. Truly the height of talent, but why the hell do we need to see him now? I'm sure he's not competing in anything right now, so why is he now the new Coors Light spokesman? Couldn't they get anyone better (more contemporary) to shill for their warm-piss-tasting beer?

I guess everybody's gotta pay the rent.

Labels: Advertising, Rants, TV

...but Gene Simmons' daughter, Sophie is not that bad lookin'. Although she is like 15.

Labels: Hot Bitches, TV

Did you see Kellie Pickler on American Idol tonight?

Holy Shit! Did she buy some knockers or what? I mean talk about jugs!

"So, Kellie, Did you buy anything with your money?"
    "I bought some shoes."
"Anything else?"
    "I bought a lot of shoes."

Bear in mind, she's still dumb as ever. I truly believe she didn't understand the question. That whole thing with the spider sushi was a genuine Pickler blonde moment.

"They actually put real spiders in the sushi."
    "No, they don't."
"Uh, huh. it's got the little legs and everything."
    "Yeah, not actual spiders."
"What do you mean?"
--Pregnant Pause--
    "It's a long story."

You can't script that kind of television. One of the few times I've actually seen Ryan Seacrest be genuinely witty.

And by the way, I don't believe that any album that she put out was certified gold. I think like ten people actually own that album and nine of them are her family. I think that qualifies as certified aluminum doesn't it?

Yes, sweetie. Look at the pickle. Oy vey! America? Nevermind.

Labels: TV

Somebody explain this to me.

I don't know if you already know what NuvaRing is, but put simply it's a birth control device.

One of the dislosed warnings to users of the NuvaRing is, "If you are already pregnant, you should not use NuvaRing."

Excuse me, but if you're already pregnant, isn't it a touch late to be thinking about birth control?

Labels: Rants, TV

You know, if Domino's Pizza were any good, they wouldn't need to hawk fucking brownies with their pizza.

And isn't that the kid from The Nanny delivering the pizza? I was pretty sure you needed work after that, but damn.

Link to the commercial on YouTube

I will give them credit for this, though. I am ashamed to admit this, but I have been having the Brooklyn-style pizzas and they're not bad. Kind of tasty in fact. I'm kind of sick of them now. (Partially because the delivery guy can't fucking count. My bill was like $21 and I handed him two $20 bills. The guy had a fucking meltdown.) I don't know what's different about them, but they aren't Domino's typical nasty fare. I'm sure whatever is different about them won't last and will return to being nasty.

Labels: Advertising, Rants, TV

I am the king of Star Trek 2.0.

Just for shits & giggles, on Saturday morning I signed up to play along with Star Trek 2.0. For those of you that don't know, on G4 TV, they air an episode of Classic Trek, along with an interactive "Spock Market", news, and live statistics like the number of Dramatic Music Stabs, Uhura undie shots, Torn Kirk Shirts, and Ricardo Montalban. They also have an interactive chat which the show poses a question and users can respond and it shows up on the air. Neat, huh?

OK, so I'm a nerd.

So I sign up. I respond to the question, "What would interglactic space aliens look like?" to which I respond things like, "I think they would be furry.", "Mickey Rourke", and "Vivica Fox". :D

About five minutes later, I see my name pop up on screen with my first response. HOLY SHIT! IT WORKS!!!! I am a god! I control your air waves!

OK, so maybe not, but still it was pretty damn cool. Now I have a reason to watch Classic Trek. Another couple of minutes later I see my Mickey Rourke response show up. Obviously, there's a guy just monitoring this feed and deciding which responses make it to air. If there weren't could you just images what filth people would say?

Anyway, I thought that was some of the coolest shit I've seen in a while. And yes, I am a geek.

Labels: Geekdom, TV

And another one bites the dust.

I was watching the Dancing with the Stars results show last night. America voted to eliminate Harry Hamlin and professional dancer Ashly Del Grosso.

"Why?", you ask.

The answer, my sweeties, is because Harry dances like a walking toothpick. Even my fat ass could dance a tango with more passion than that. I'm sure when Harry and Ashly visited the Argentinian tango club earlier this week, the regulars looked at him like, "You must unclench...everything."

I feel so bad for Ashly Del Grosso, though. She's a fantastic dancer and the cutest little thing. Last season she had to contend with Master P (aka P. Miller), who danced like Frankenstein's Monster in basketball sneakers. For some reason, they weren't eliminated as early as they should have been (like week 1; "Kenny Mayne, you are safe!"). For about six weeks straight, poor little Ashly had to dance her tiny ass off around P. to compensate for for the "Frank factor". After each performance, America continued to vote them through to the next week, largely for entertainment value (watching P.), and also largely for sympathy value for Ashly. I lost faith in the American public a little more each week.

This season, she had to get the toothpick, Harry Hamlin, to loosen up. While as daunting a task as this might have been, Harry, couldn't you have taken some lessons from your wife Lisa Rinna in the off-season? Look how well she did. Well, America didn't have much sympathy for Harry. It's not that we didn't like you Harry, really. It's just that you're no Master P.

So we bid a fond farewell to Harry Hamlin and Ashly Del Grosso.


BTW - Speaking of mismatched dancing partners, this goes out to Louis van Amstel. Why when you're choreographing the Paso Doble (that's Double-Turn for all y'all ignant mo-fo's), would you partner Ashly, who I'd say is a diminutive 5'2", with Nick Kossovich (aka Wolfenstein), who stands at a towering 6'5" at least. That looked like some serious Master-Blaster/My Giant shit.

"Excuse me, Nick. It's a little difficult to dance with you when your dick's in my eye."



BTW - Yes I'm back again. What the fuck are the Scissor Sisters? That was they gayest shit I've seen in a while. How are you called Scissor Sisters whe there's only one woman (at least I'm pretty sure that was a woman, not a dude in drag) and she's not even the lead singer. And WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A BASS PLAYER!!?! (No, I'm not looking for a gig)

Labels: TV

Looks like Adult Swim just moved Pee-Wee's Playhouse to Midnight, which is OK by me. I usually stop watching about that time, anyway. That's when the anime begins and I'm really not all that into it. S-cry-ed, Inu Yasha, Ghost In The Shell and such.

Labels: TV

Oh, thank God.

Adult Swim failed to run any more Pee-Wee's Playhouse at 11:00. I don't know if this is just for tonight, but I'm so relieved.

For a time I was forced to watch Will & Grace on Lifetime. Not that I'm complaining terribly.

Labels: TV

I'm sorry. I meant to comment on this weeks ago, but I forgot.

Blade: The Series has been running for about five or six weeks now. So far, not so bad. It's not great, but not bad either.

I just find it completely ludicrous and funny at the same time, that the guy playing Blade is billing himself under his real name, Kirk Jones. I'm sorry but I don't care how legit you try and make yourself, we all know that mutha fucka is Sticky Fingaz. Like we wouldn't know.

Ain't this the same mutha fucka that said, "Kids, don't do drugs...without me."

Labels: TV

I didn't get my Venture Bros. fix tonight. Instead they showed a rerun of the Season 2 premiere. Although I watched it and it was funny as hell, I expeted a new episode. It's too early in the season to be pulling this type of crap. I think we're only like three or four weeks in.

Adult Swim: Please don't let this turn out to be another Lost: Season 2, where I completely lose interest because you won't show new episodes with any consistency.

Labels: Rants, TV

Someone tell me why a bloody TIRE needs a music video.

Labels: Rants, TV

Adult Swim has started showing Pee-Wee's Playhouse in the 11:00 PM timeslot.

I remember being an avid fan of Pee-Wee's playhouse. I would watch it every Saturday morning. I was 8, dammit!

I tried to watch one episode of that dreck last night. I'm not sure, but I think I experienced a stroke. All I have to say is that must be some good shit.

A brief analysis:

Labels: Rants, TV

Who can tell me the name of the song that's playing behind the commercial for Lifetime's Angela's Eyes?

I couldn't give two shits about the show itself (although I have been known to watch Lifetime for the occasional slice of white America a lá Will & Grace, Frasier, and The Nanny). I just want to know what that bleedin' song is.

It starts with a little double-bass figure for a couple of measures, then enters with (believe it or not) a triangle. It's just a cool little drum & bass tune that kinda reminds me of Fuckin' In The Bushes by Oasis.

Update 12/3/2006
Maybe it's Diamond by Klint, but I haven't seen the commercial in a while, so even I'm having difficulty remembering.

Labels: Music, TV

Why is it that whenever you see someone reading on television, they're reading books from back to front?

I was watching Battlefield Earth (only God knows why) and I watched Barry Pepper reading the Declaration of Independence. I noticed he was reading it backwards and remembered I had this quandary, so I posted it.

Labels: TV

Venture Bros.: Best show EVER!

Cartoon Network needs to stop screwing around and put Adult Swim on OnDemand® so I can watch Venture Bros. and the Oblongs whenever I want.

Labels: Rants, TV

So, I bought Venture Bros. Season 1 on DVD on Sunday. I spent all Sunday watching them. Of course, shmuck that I am, I was watching the DVDs right through the season 2 premiere on Adult Swim. I felt like I was being raped by King Gorilla, only I had done it to myself. D'oh!!!

Luckily I was able to catch the replay Thursday night. The mystery surrounding the Venture Bros.' death was revealed. The brothers are seemimngly "death prone". Go team Venture!

Labels: TV

They recently announced that Venture Bros. season 1 was just released on DVD. I am so getting that.

Is it me or is Dr. Girlfriend, the Monarch's assistant with the slightly masculine voice, sexy as hell or what? OK. Maybe it's me :)

Labels: TV