OK, it's time somebody said something. I can't take it anymore.

Frank Caliendo should have stuck with MADtv. God almighty. I've had enough of him. I thought his John Madden impression was great. In fact no one did it better. That was his trademark. His signature. He was the 'Madden' guy. Fox Sports picked him up to do that impression for Sunday games which was awesome.

Frank then decided to expand his repertoire. He did a great Dubya impression. in fact one of the better ones I've seen. But quite honestly, he was too fat to portray the Prez. This is the point where he should have stopped and faded away into obscurity.

TBS decided to pick him and his impressions up for a few specials and a series...of nothing but sketches of him doing his impressions. Hold up. Stop right there. OK, he's good at one or two, but he's really stepping outside his ability. He added a few new ones that were not bad when they weren't totally generic like Robert DeNiro & Dr. Phil.

FrankTV was a colossal bust and yet, TBS insists that they are "very funny" More like "higly dubious"

But honestly, you cant build a sketch comedy show on one man's impressions alone. There simply isn't enough material.

Mostly his impressions all started to run together. When you can figure out exactly who it is he's trying to impersonate, you realize that all of his impressions sound the exact same.

The culmination of this genericism was when I saw a Dish Network commercial with him talking to himself as Charles Barkley (or so we're meant to believe). That impression sounded so mealy and generic and phoned in. At first, I genuinely couldn't tell who it was supposed to be. I thought with the makeup, maybe it could be the Round Mound of Rebound, but it just didn't sound like him. I've met Charles Barkley. I know his Alabama drawl. It doesn't sound anything like that. In fact, I think that impression was a little condescending. If it wasn't meant to be poking fun at him, I think Sir Charles should be a little offended. (Not that I'm defending Charles Barkley at all. I still think he's an ass.)

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2HWqM_gWEo" target="frankcaliendoyoutube"><img src="http://www.waldoland.com/images/blogimages/frankcaliendodishnetwork.jpg" alt="Frank Caliendo Dish Network Commercial 2"></a>


Nowadays, every time I see Frank Caliendo doing an impression, I'm like, "Yeah, ok. It's you. Ha ha. We get it. Whatever. <Click>" :|
Just give up. Go away.

Labels: Advertising, Comedy, TV

Have you seen the commercials for Nutrisystem with Jillian Barberie?

They say she lost 41 pounds. Did you hear me, butterfly? 41 pounds!!! When was she EVER that big? Don't you think we would have noticed that shit (and complained about it) by now? As much as she's on TV? Come on.

Did you see that photoshopped-ass before picture? There's no frikkin' way She could have snuck and got that big. Who are you trying to bullshit? Maybe you lost 41 pounds in your tits!


Even better is the one with Larry The Cable Guy. "I lost 50 pounds with Nutrisystem" I got news for ya, Larr. Yer still a fatshit.


Who says there's no truth in advertising?

Labels: Advertising, Fitness, Health, Hot Bitches, Rants, TV

God this commercial is imbecilic. Yet another in a long line of TV commercials that proves only one thing...America actually is as stupid as it looks.

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShWp1IbRKQE" target="dunkincommercial"><img src="http://www.waldoland.com/images/blogimages/dunkindonutscommercial.jpg" alt="Dunkin Donuts commercial on YouTube" style="border: 2px solid #666666;" /></a>

It seems like the latest trend in advertising is to produce the most asinine commercials possible. This can be seen in the broad variety of commercials that are prevalent today. Just turn on your TV and flip to any channel and I bet you will come across any number of these commercials. There's something to be said for the basic principle of advertising, AIDA (attract, interest, desire, action), but come on. Why stupid? If anything, it will Annoy, Irritate, Disgust, and Avert.

TV commercials for the past few years have become increasingly stupid. Do you remember the Quizno's commercials with the two singing rats (a.k.a. sponge monkeys)? Did that really make you want to buy a sandwich? Did that even amuse you a little bit? No. It made people want to vomit so much that Quizno's lost business and was forced to pull the spots due to increasing complaint.

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZrks-BPeLQ" target="quiznos"><img src="http://www.waldoland.com/images/blogimages/quiznoscommercial.jpg" alt="Quizno's commercial on YouTube" style="border: 2px solid #666666;" /></a>

It's like advertising companies aren't even trying anymore. They're just taking money to produce commercials that a first-grader could (and probably did) come up with. "Hey, my son Josh cam up with a great campaign for your product last night after he took a poopie like a big boy" Is it only going to get worse from here?

Remember the HeadOn Apply directly to forehead spots? Where they would chain the same irritating commercial together three times in a row? And then the had the balls to produce yet another SERIES of commercials where people would interrupt the commercial and spout off how much they couldn't stand the commercial, but loved the product! What balls!

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_SwD7RveNE" target="headon"><img src="http://www.waldoland.com/images/blogimages/headoncommercial.jpg" alt="HeadOn commercial on YouTube" style="border: 2px solid #666666;" /></a>

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0HAmqYTJqo" target="headon"><img src="http://www.waldoland.com/images/blogimages/headoncommercial2.jpg" alt="HeadOn anti-commercial on YouTube" style="border: 2px solid #666666;" /></a>


Please tell me that this trend will stop sometime soon.




Quizno's spokes-rats grab attention
Your Most Irritating TV Commercial?
What is the most irritating television commercial that you've ever seen?

Labels: Advertising, TV

I know this has been out for a long while, but I just felt that I had to comment on it. Have you seen that new Boost Mobile commercial?

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1PLvuwKRBj4" target="youtube"><img src="http://www.waldoland.com/images/blogimages/boostmobile2.jpg" alt="Boost Mobile Commerical with Jemaine Dupri, Young Jeezy, and Mickey Avalon on YouTube" style="border: 2px solid #666666;" /></a>

I'm not mad at all about Jermaine Dupri or Young Jeezy in the song. They're alright. Not nearly as hot a track as the first one with Kanye West, Ludacris, and The Game, though. I actually downloaded that and played it constantly. I memorized the lyrics. I even learned how to play it on the bass. The track was hot. This one's kinda weak and commercial, but ... it's a commercial.



Anyway ... What the hell is that skinny transgendered-looking white dude(?) that thinks he can rap at the end of the commercial? It's no wonder this thing only got 2 lines. Whatever the hell it is, it spits out two lines of the weakest, second grade shit I've ever heard. Who the fuck are you and why did you think that was appealing? Who's dick did you suck at Boost Mobile to get in this commercial? I mean seriously.

I'm that dude that got whatchya need.
Eyes on the prize. Pickin' Up speed

I'm not sure, but I think dude(?)'s got a perm, makeup, hip-hugger jeans, platforms, and has midriff showing. He couldn't be more feminine if he were actually a woman. Who actually thought that this would sell phones? It's another in a long line of stupid-ass advertising ploys that they believe that America will swallow like tripe. And sure enough, we do.



Come to find out that's Mickey Avalon. Dude, your shit is weak. What the fuck? I'm that dude that got whatchya need? I'm glad I don't need flow. Maybe I need hormone therapy.

You know, I had ONE track from this dude, Jane Fonda. I downloaded it because I thought it was pleasant and the little club rat kids seem to like it. But after seeing and hearing this dude(?), I assure you there will not be more.

Labels: Advertising, Music, TV, Videos

Lifetime TV is launching a new show this season called How To Look Good Naked. A new type of makeover show in the vein of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, hosted by Carson Kressley.

I love the concept of this show. It teaches full-sized women to love their bodies. That they shouldn't have to resort to extreme dieting or cosmetic surgery, trying to look like magazine models. Self-image is one of the biggest psychological issues among full-sized women. No matter how beautiful these women are, they never see themselves as such. As long as they see that they are not a size zero, they won't believe that they are beautiful. It's a crying shame.

Did you know that four out of five American women today say they are are dissatisfied with their bodies?

I hate that fashion industry-driven projection that women should look like toothpicks and Barbie dolls. In fact I hate a bony bitch. Women are subjected to this barrage of imagery that tells them that their bodies aren't good enough. I have news for you, ladies. Even those sacks of anorexia aren't as thin as they appear. Repeat the following words after me, "Airbrush, Photoshop, CGI, Digital Enhancement, Eating Disorder"

Something else I saw to this effect was the release of a photography book by Leonard Nimoy (yes, Mr. Spock) called "The Full Body Project" in which he used very Rubenesque full-figured nude models. The book can be viewed as almost an indictment of Hollywood and the glamour machine that spoon feeds the message that women should be a size zero. I'm very proud of him for doing such bold work.



I'm not a chubby-chaser or anything, but I do appreciate a full-figured woman. I like a woman with a little meat on her bones. Nothing wrong with that. More than that, I like a woman that's got a little size, but is confident with her shit. There's nothing more sexy than confidence. There's nothing less sexy to me than insecurity. I know that's a backwards-ass statement coming from my fat ass, who's very insecure about my weight.

On the other hand, though I'd love nothing more than to drop like a hundy, I also have self-image expectations set in reality. I work with what I've got. Sometimes I don't always dress the best for my body, but I do clean up good. especially lately. I make the sexy work for me.

There's nothing wrong with thinking you're sexy. If you think it, you will project it. If you believe that you are, then you are.


Bottom line, be proud of what you have. If you could lose a few pounds, well ok. Couldn't we all? Just don't let Cosmo tell you what your body should look like.



'How To Look Good Naked' Becomes Most-Watched Reality Series Premiere in Lifetime...
How To Look Good Naked by Leonard Nimoy
The Full Body Project by Leonard Nimoy

Labels: Fitness, Life, Pop Culture, Society, TV

Thank God! We finally got a much needed win in Dallas against the Cowboys last night.

Absolutely a brutal game. Just physical football. I was actually terrified that there was no score at the end of the first quarter, but at least three injuries. Roy Williams, the same muh fucka that they invented the horse collar tackle rule for, pulled one on Donovan McNabb. That was some bullshit!

We were in prime fuckup territory with a small lead and only a few minutes left on the clock in the fourth quarter. Slow it down, Andy! Brian Westbrook actually did right when he broke free near the 2-minute warning. He had a shot to go into the end zone and he sat his ass down on the 1 yard line. Way to go! Don't give them the opportunity to get the ball back and score.

Typically we fuck up games that we should have won by throwing an interception in the final minutes of a winning game. True Philly style. But we pulled it out. The Eagles are showing very much a NO QUIT attitude. Well done, boys!

REGULAR - Week 15 Dec 16, 2007  4:15 pm ET Texas Stadium   1 2 3 4 F Eagles 0 7 0 3 10 Cowboys 0 3 3 0 6

Labels: Sports, TV

I love a good donging!

Let's be clear. A donging has nothing to do with any kind of he-bitch man sex. A donging is when you're watching a movie, usually comedy or action, and a character gets smacked in the head area with a large, usually metallic, object which makes a great sound. DONG!
e.g. - Frying pan to the back of the skull.

I love that shit! Cartoon violence. It's the greatest. Especially when it's really unexpected. If you can see it coming, it loses a lot of its value.

Labels: Comedy, Fun, Movies, TV

God Damn I hate that commercial!

There's this Pantene commercial out there that I can't f'ing get away from. It's got this ultra-fem emo jingle that drives me insane.

Here is a snippet of the lyrics.

Standing in the bedroom
Before you open up the dirty window
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin.


Oh my god I want to commit homicide every time I hear it. It's not that the commercial is terribly unpleasant. It's not. It's that I hear it every fucking five minutes! I've heard it for the last three months and I can't escape it. I'll hear it on the TV in another room and I'll RUN across the house to turn the TV off.

Aaaarrrrrgh!!!!

Lord knows I've played my share of Emo. I've even played in a couple of predominantly female bands. Some were even man-hating feminazis. I have very little against Emo. If that's your thing, play your little heart out.
I just HATE THIS FUCKING SONG! Mostly because it's absolutely inescapable. It's on every channel. Every commercial break. Pantene, PLEASE find another commercial so that we no longer have to be subjected to this.

Labels: Advertising, Pop Culture, Rants, TV

WTF? Somebody was smoking some good LSD when they came up with this shit.


Yes, I know you don't smoke LSD.

Labels: Movies, TV

You know, I was watching TV this weekend and saw the movie Money Train.

I was just thinking, remember how beautiful Jennifer Lopez used to be?

What I mean by that is back in 1995, she was this pretty down chick from the Bronx with curly hair. She was approachable even if you only had a little game. So attractive, and the apple of everyone's eye.

Now she is the entity known as J.Lo, a millionairess with champagne tastes, who marries other celebrities at will. Yes, she's still got the onion booty (it may have even been enhanced since then), but basically a Hollywood starfucker.

I remember the lyric, "Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got. I'm still Jenny from the block.". Nothing could be further from the truth. With her makeup and hair product lines that people pay fortunes for, she is so superficial and artificial, it makes me wanna puke. And yet she has been deified as a Hollywood/Music industry diva, nay, queen, nay god. Her music isn't that good and neither is her acting. She ain't even all that cute anymore.

I would have preferred she remain humble. Every time I see those commercials for her new album, it makes me wanna gag and throw up in my mouth a little. I feel physically ill. She is so fake.

Labels: Hot Bitches, Movies, Music, Philosophizing, TV

God damn, I love Heroes!

All I got to say is Dr. Suresh...Damn! It take a dysfunctional muh fucka to bust somebody in they eye like that! Wooh! That was some wild-ass shit!

And by the way, damn Dania Ramirez is fine. She is so beautiful. But poor baby, she's always crying. I'm a sucker for a beautiful woman who crys.

Labels: Hot Bitches, TV

I waited with baited breath for the premiere of Battlestar Galactica: Razor

I was not disappointed.

The story centered around a young female officer, Kendra Shaw (doesn't that sound like a sista's name?) and how she is shaped into a "Razor", an instrument of war, during her service on the Battlestar Pegasus. Under the command of the ruthless Admiral Cain (played by Michelle Forbes), she is witness and participant to the atrocities that occurred on the Pegasus after the Cylon Holocaust.

And by the way, she's a little badass. Little hottie with an Australian accent that's tough as nails. Nice. Of course she goes head to head with Starbuck. Do I sense a catfight?

The cool part of the TV movie is the tie-in to the present-day Pegasus with the Cylons of the original series. You'll have to watch to understand that.

I was a little disappointed at how brief it was. Yes it was two hours, but I want more. I can't wait until friggin' April for more Battlestar. If you listen to the writer's meeting podcast for this, there's so much that they wrote that for whatever reason got axed from the final cut. Damn, all of that would have been great television.


All of this has happened before and all of this will happen again.
Kara Thrace is the harbinger of doom :|
Cool

Labels: Movies, TV

You know, I still can't turn on the TV without seeing Martha Stewart's fucking face. It was bad enough during all that insider trading horseshit. But now, she's still going at it full force. With lines of products in not only KMart AND Macy's stores, her commercials are freaking EVERYWHERE. I can't escape her. I will admit, I bought a set of her sheets, but it's because they were the brand that was in the store.

I so do not care if her name is on a product line. If anything, it will make me want to shop at your store even less if I see her.

Stinking media whore.

Labels: Rants, TV

I DVR'ed an episode of Manswers on Spike the other night. It came on at midnight and I was too tired to stay up and watch it. It had one segment that kind of piqued my interest. How Do You Take a Stripper Home?.

Hmmm. I wonder what that's like? I wonder if they had any advice that paralleled my own experience with strippers.

Well, I watched it last night and here is the outcome. Let's compare it to real life.

1. Go on the slow nights. Your goal is to become a regular.

   Yeah. I'll buy into that one. On a busy night, you're just another face in the crowd. On a slow night, you're more likely to get noticed. Although you run the risk of appearing like (and becoming) that lonely perv that's in the club every night, a.k.a. a stalker.

2. The first place you don't sit is the stage. Post up at the bar like it's a regular bar. The one way you're gonna get a stripper's attention is by really not giving her a ton of attention.

   I don't agree with this one. In a lot of local joints the stage is the bar so you can't avoid it. In the bigger places, only the bartender will notice you at the bar. Although the reasoning behind this one is more sound than the actual method. Giving a stripper ALL your attention is deadly. They will have you hooked. You will become addicted and they will run you dry. Once she has you hooked, she will know it and all you become to her is a money source. Once that happens, Game over. Now there is something to be said about playing hard to get. Feigning interest. Don't overdo it. Strippers can smell bullshit like a fart in a car.

3. Bring a chick with you. Any time a girl is around another girl, there's always a little bit of competition.

   I don't know about this one. Yes, it's true about the competition, but that's all women. First, where are you going to find a straight chick who will go to a strip club with you? Second, if you do find one, why aren't you banging her? Third, in my experience a stripper is more exited at the prospect of giving another chick a lapdance than you. They see horny guys all day. This move will not work to your advantage.

4. Don't tip the strippers. Strippers are in it for one thing: money. The moment that money changes hands, you're a source of income. You'll never be seen as anything else.

   That's partially true. Don't show your roll. Break out a few singles at a time. If a stripper sees that your money is long, then it's all said and done. Not tipping a stripper can lead to venomous consequences. In a big place like Delilah's, where a stripper can clear hundreds a night, they won't miss your couple dollars. In a dive joint, the strippers there are working hard for the money, so every dollar counts. Snubbing a stripper in these places will actually get you the opposite result. Bring enough money to make sure every stripper that comes around for a tip get some money. It's just respectful. If there's one that actually interests you, make it a point to have her come over to you to get a little something extra. She'll then start to recognize you and begin to engage you. Yes, it's to get more money from you, but it gets your foot in the door. This is your opportunity to start chatting her up.

5. Throw a party. Girls love to party, and these girls love to party.

   Yes, they do. All of them love to get lit. This is not a guarantee of anything, though. Don't think you're like the guy in the clip and just say, "Oh, I'm having a party," and walk out the door with them. Strippers are not likely to leave the club with you. If you're going to party with strippers, make an announcement. Set a date. Make an event out of it. Invite a few of them for a little fun. Don't be the only one there. You're more likely to end up with a stripper if you see her outside the club, than in. So the objective here is to get them to willingly interact with you outside the club. So a party is a good way to do it. Your friends will have fun, they will have fun, and most importantly, you will have fun.

Anyway, it doesn't seem like Spike has the ultimate answer to picking up strippers. It seems no one does. Ultimately, strippers are people, too. They have needs and wants just like the rest of us ... only adjusted. Contrary to what one might think, strippers are usually very sexually repressed. Either from some sexual trauma, or the fact that they grind in guys' laps all day. The likelihood is that they won't go home with you for a one night stand, though it does happen. The more you can see them outside the club, the more likely they are to see you as someone they might continue to see outside the club. My couple of tips should help to keep your game strong and continue to keep your money long.

Just so I can say I warned you, just be aware, you are taking a stripper home (or attempting, anyway). If you're the jealous type, this is not an adventure for you. You have to deal with strippers giving sexual attention to another guy. Also nearly every last one of them is crazy in some way (or many ways).

Other links:

• SpikeTV: How Do You Take a Stripper Home?
• wikiHow: How to Date a Stripper

Labels: Bars, Comedy, Hot Bitches, Life, Night life, Strip clubs, TV

I caught a little bit of Battlestar Galactica: Razor on Monday night when I went with Dad to see American Gangster. Evidently, the IMAX theater in KoP was having some sneak preview. Dad and I snuck into the theater before and after American Gangster. Dad was all trying to convince me, "We'll come back and see it when we pay" I was like, "Fuck dat shit, puto!" I stuck around for a few.

Wouldn't you know it? Son of a bitch! Even in the theater, it's got fucking commercials!

Well, I won't reveal anything. I'm waiting for the SciFi premiere on the 24th.

Labels: Movies, TV

The Heroes marathon continues. The 2nd season continues on G4 and I've been watching non stop. I don't know if I can only watch one episode a week starting Monday. Hehe.

Now, if Tawny Cypress was fine, Heroes is additionally enhanced with the addition of Dania Ramirez, playing Maya, a Guatemalan girl (though she's Dominican but sounds like she's straight up from the Bronx) who's power manifest when she becomes upset. She bleeds from the eyes and everyone around her begins to die. She cannot control it and the only thing that can stop it is her twin brother Alejandro. Y'all already know how hot Dania Ramirez is. God the hot women factor alone is enough to watch this show. Although, I don't necessarily like the fact that G4 took a poll of who's hotter, comparing Hayden Panettiere to Ali Larter. Not because they're both white, but because Hayden is like 16. Grown ass men are replying "She's so much hotter". Dude, she's a child! I could understand teenage boys, but not grown-ass men. The better poll question is Who's hotter: Tawny or Dania? Nice.

I really hope that she gets away from Sylar safely so that I can see more of her. Nice.

Hiro is so adorable. He's just so hard up. He's like a little Japanese teddy bear that can't get none.

Check out the Star Trek links to Heroes. First, Sulu, then Uhura, then the guy playing Sylar, Zachary Quinto, is going to play Spock in the forthcoming Star Trek XI movie. If you look at him, he is perfect to play the part of a young Lenny Nimoy. For now, he is doing a fantastic job as a sociopath. Show creator, Tim Kring discusses on the first live post show on G4 how it started as a cpmolete and total coincidence.

Here's a thought for